Sunday, 30 November 2008

Cause and Effect

I had intended to write about the people in my ward, but i think that would be unfair to do so in too much detail. However, the lesson i learnt is more relevant.

I knew others would impact on my stay and a high percentage of the occupants of the beds are in the 60+ age range. Some may have had years of treatment, some may have family members who have died abruptly. Some may be grieving from lost loved ones and may not have family support. Whatever the person there is a different recipe.

One of the annoying personalities i encountered in my stay was simply an old man who grieved for his late wife, who was clear of cancer but empty of love epitomised by the lack of visits from his family.

One would not make it to Christmas. A family man tired of years of treatment, he was at peace with submission.

One had almost all his insides removed. None of his friends at the local bar knew of his ordeal as he didnt want the attention. His life had been a life of hard labour and fate had hit him with a huge blow that still did not kill him. He just wanted to go to his small home and be there.

They on the other hand had me. I wanted the windows open, i wanted to talk, i'd ask if they were ok and enquire about their history, family, jobs, national service, football interests. From the nice warm self indulgent bed of despair i prised them out into a community which then saw other gravitate to the room. The silence was filled with background radio and we even shared papers. There were arguments!

Bet they were glad to get rid of me.

The auld fellow should have left today to his sons home. The family guy is going to try and make it past Xmas so he can share with his family one last Xmas and the wee silent fellow is going to catch a train to visit his daughter.

We affect each other, we are responsible for our own actions and can influence other's reactions. Through the way i interact with those around me will determine the outcome i visualise.

Contact email

i have an email address for issues raised in the blog:
kaliwarrior at googlemail.com

I know this blog is being shown to many in the same position, so i see this as an opportunity for some to express themselves. I can't guarantee i can answer all mails, but we will see where this takes us.

Unfortunately, on signing a friends guestbook that died earlier in the year, i now receive requests to pay money to a bank account in the type of scam mail we have seen increase over the years, so i use the mail address as above to avoid scans that look to attach to email addresses.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Hospital times

For me there's no other option. I have everything to live for and that's why i will overcome the tumor. Not everyone is the same, some will see death as a blessing, some will wish they were sicker so they could hide away behind something, some simply treat it as another hard day in a hard life. You get to meet so many different people but they can influence you and drag you off your course. The hardest part after the operation was dealing with the people when i moved into the ward out of HDU.

HDU was first class, it was organised so that nurses were always in sight and they were supported by the odd auxiliary or student. Through in the wards, the use of auxiliaries and students is an obvious cost effective way of dealing with the higher occupancy. It doesn't demean the quality of the nurses just that they don't spend as much personal time with you.

The way you behave is obviously a factor in the way others respond to you, so my cheery disposition was a breath of fresh air in a mood of despair. The Dr's also started to change the routine, speaking to me rather than at or around me when they saw the positiveness in my attitude. When referring to statistics, don't forget that's about other people, not you!

It all started well until a Dr i never saw again decided the epidural would be taken out. Id undergone major surgery and whilst they couldn't operate on the liver, it was still major. The plan had been to keep the epidural in till the Tuesday, but some bright spark decided otherwise without talking with the Pain Management Team and replaced the epidural with oral drugs. They gave me doses too small for my body type and so Sunday saw me in a state of sheer pain. 10mg of Sevradol and 10mg of Tramadol 4 x a day was soon raised to 20mg and that helped big time.

Then they decided to take away the catheter that was draining the bladder. With the body shocked from surgery and under new drugs, the bladder didn't respond, so on the Monday night they decided to put it back in. 3 long attempts were made causing a certain amount of trauma and a sleepless night, finally being put in on Tuesday 9am. This was while in the recovery stage which is meant to be fraught with danger. I waited for the kitchen sink, after all, that was the only thing i didn't have thrown at me. Two of the days in the HDU were almost step backwards.

So on Tuesday, exhausted, i was moved in to the ward, into a room which had the windows closed and the heating full on and three others not speaking. I'll talk about the guys in a separate topic, but at one point that evening the pressure was not where i wanted to be. I had a bedside phone and i think it was Bob on the phone when i cracked. At that point i somehow related to a para phrase of 'screwing the nut' (getting your head straight) that Bob had told me about in relating to when you have to pull it together. I said the phrase and i was ok. I was OK.

So Tuesday to Friday i was in the room with 3 others with whom i started talking and we had the windows opened. the nurses came in with better attitude as it was no longer a room to hide from. The Tramadol was dropped so that left me less 'knocked out. 'Visitors came in and spirits lifted - i think on Wednesday i had nine which also tired me but in a nice sort of way. My drainage was taken away and i started walking freely. 200 meters was an achievement. Nurses started 'hanging out' in our room and when i left there was a good feeling despite the terminal diagnosis for one of them.

I would wake up at 7ish, get a breakfast of grapefruit and a slice of toast but i was never hungry in the am. I had slow acting Morphine at 8am and 8pm and any time i needed more than that i took 20mg of Sevradol. Paracetamol 4 x a day and laxatives in the hope that...well... hope. I'd shower and take the dressing off letting the wound breathe, change and then go back to bed to sleep to lunchtime. This time was also a busy time for blood pressure, blood testing and dr's rounds. Friday i could go home and i couldn't wait, i spent the afternoon speaking with visitors, walking the corridors getting my meters in, as well as nursing staff and the others in my room.

At 7.30pm, i walked out into the dark crisp evening for the car journey home in what was an emotional and significant moment for me. The fight changes to a two pronged attack now. I'll have Chemotherapy for the tumors, but i will also have to repair my liver for the quality of life i want to have. Walking on the frost bitten pavement i knew the journey would have its tough times ahead but i will achieve it on both fronts.

Friday, 28 November 2008

evening all

guess who's home?

Thursday, 27 November 2008

I'll show you mine if you show me yours!!


Wednesday is a good day and Pat is coming on better each day, they have removed the bandages over his scar, and he is proudly showing it off to anyone and everyone, much to Wendy and Leigh's horror! :).
His belly is swollen and bloated from trapped wind, which he managed to free some when I visited, so glad I have such a good affect on him!
His spirits are good and the Physio who came to visit was positive, and Pat's already working out his recovery programme.
A busy day with visitors today, we are working it as a tag team, so thanks again to all who have been into visit and those who have sent well wishes etc, they are very much appreciated.
We wont get news of his further treatment for a week or so, which feels frustrating as we just want to get on with things, but the main objective is to get him home from hospital right now, little steps lead to big steps.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Thanks

This is just to say thank you to those who went in on Monday to visit Pat, as I was unable to get in due to work. I could easily have time off from work as they have been brilliant and so has Pats's but I feel it is important to keep some normality going.
They have changed his painkillers today to slow release ones and he's doing better.
Thanks again.
On Tuesday they moved him out of the High Depedancy Unit into the main ward,where is in the opposite bed from John Yule, the husband of one of my work pals, of course we wish him all the best in his recovery but its nice for me to have a familiar face there when I go in and have some one at work who knows what we are going through, thanks Jackie for your support.
Pat is coming on slowly but surley and we are still hoping for release by the weekend, better get the nurses uniform out!! :)

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Up and Down

Today has been a day of ups and downs,
This morning the snow was thick and off Kali and I went for a walk, You may have noticed that Pat is a follower of boxer welfare scotland and every now and again we check and have a look at the rehome section, some aren't as lucky as our Kali, and there was 1 white boxer Lola, found as a stray in Glasgow and in bad shape. We met one of Kali's friends a handsome white male called Clay, but wait there was now 2 white boxers, low and behold it was Lola! She is now thriving with her new owners Suzie and Richard, and the 2 dogs are now great pals. :)

Well Pat got his epidural out today which was controlling the pain well, and then my Superman got hit by Kryptonite, and the pain has hit him quite badly, he was fairly bright in the afternoon but not as good as yesterday, I think the epidural gave him a false sense, but he had to come off it some time, maybe today was a bit too early. They had upped his oral painkillers by the evening so the visit was short but sweet, we both need our sleep it was been an eventful weekend.

I started writing this next bit, when I was tired and unable to sleep, and therefore my mind frame was low, but after sleep and remembering the following poem my mind set today is far stronger and therefore I rewrote it.

I got the news today that my friend and work colleague, Susan Drummond, lost her fight on Saturday, I've shed my tears but I must keep positive and celebrate Susans life and that fact that I got to be her friend. Celebrate the good nights out we had, celebrate how beautiful and happy she was on her wedding day to Gus, celebrate that she got to swim with dolphins and celebrate how happy and proud she was of her two children, Flynn and Kerry. Susan it was an honour and a pleasure.
You can shed tears
now that she has gone
Or you can smile
because she has lived.


You can close your eyes and pray
that she'll come back

Or you can open your eyes
and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty
because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love
you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow

and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow
because of yesterday.

You can remember her
and only that she has gone

Or you can cherish her memory

and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she
would have wanted:

Smile, open you eyes, love, and go on

Anon
This poem was chosen by another friend of both myself and Susan, Carol McAleer, a great positive women who tragically also lost her fight.


Up and ready for Round 2

Round 2 , Ding Ding, lets get it on!!!
A busy day yesterday and our spirits are up again, despite the very snowy weather, and there's been another several inches overnight. the only inches I'll get overnight for a while!! ;)
Despite the weather a good turn out for Bob Spour Muay Thai Seminar, thanks guys, and thanks again to Mum and Dad for your help with Kali.


Is it a man? Is it a Bird?...No It's Pat Davies, Caped Crusader! I saw Pat yesterday in Hospital and he was in good spirits. Surrounded by the usual paraphenalia of a hospital ward and a man with a large gash in his abdomen we naturally talked about training and what it was like to be 'gutted like a fish'. Pat laughed...then winced, then laughed some more. He winced again and I laughed. Life is cruel Pat. They say laughter is the best medicine... Maybe in Pat's case we start with smiling and build up to the laughter in a few days time...

By now you are all aware that Pat's progress is taking a different direction. As Caz says the Motorway route is blocked (probably by Snow) and he's going to have to take the 'Scenic Route'. It may take a lot longer but he will get there in the end. The great thing about scenic routes is you tend to learn a lot more about the surrounding terrain and I think Pat will see it like this...a much more interesting journey with good health at the end of it. This, I know will be Pat's mindset at the moment. After all he is a superhero!

By the way Pat, just a reminder....Chelsea 0 Newcastle 0 Yee Haa!

P.S. What is that suspicious looking tube peeking out of his pyjamas?... Mmmm....

Posted by Bob Spour

Saturday, 22 November 2008

A New Journey

After receiving a call at around 4ish from the hospital saying telling me that Pat was out of surgery and in the ward and doing well I was feeling optimistic and happy. I was waiting for Bob to arrive and start the self protection seminar and visit Pat.
Everyone down at the gym was asking for him and I was telling them that all was ok to my knowledge, I have now left them in the safe hands of Bob Spour for 2 hours.
I went in to visit him and all changed, thankfully Pat was awake and in generally good spirits but unfortunately about to give me the news I did not want to hear , or at least the news i did not want him to have tell me.
They had opened him up and discovered that the liver is not in as good as a condition as they had first hoped and the tumor is at the moment unable to operate on, therefore they have zipped him back up and will going with a course of chemotherapy first.
The doctor came to discuss the matter with us and after registering what she has told us some things are bugging me, I feel questions and the 'bulldog' coming out in me.
A big thanks to my Dad(the strong silent type) who took me up to the hospital, and to Bob Spour for the welcome distraction and I'm sure he has done some subliminal NLP on me :)
Sorry, for not letting you folks down at the gym tonight into the news just then but, Wendy, I wanted you to have a good night, without the worry, as you deserve it after all you have done for Pat over the years, no greetin' when you read this!!!!!!!
Thanks again for all your calls and wishes i only wish the news could have been better, this just means that we have to take a different road now, but the destination is still the same.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

A Long Day

This is Caz
I'm away to write, though not as eloquently as Pat, a note or 2 to keep all of you up to date with Pat's progress on his blog, of which has become a great tool for Pat to keep his mental attitude strong.
We went to the hospital at 10.30am to be taken to the day room, to cut a long day short Pat was finally given a bed on the ward at around 6.30pm.
It feels strange not to receive his usual good night text when we are apart, but I'm keeping all my thoughts positive and with him, thats not too say i havent had a few tears in private today.
This is the point Id like to say a BIG thanks to everyone who has been there to support Pat, for that I am eternally grateful. From the very inspirational Greg Nelson whos personal fight with cancer and great strength and positive outlook has been of great help to Pat, another great help is Sifu Marc McFann who is having his own medical problems, for which I'm sure he will battle through and also come back fighting harder than ever before, and Bob Spour who has done exceptional work with Pats positive mind frame with his NLP.
There is also so many friends and guys/girls down the gym which Pat has mentioned in the previous mail which I'd ike to say thanks again to, your best wishes and support have meant a lot.
My parents are through from Inverness and are staying with me tonight and over the weekned, and helping me with the Kali, their Granddoggy!! :) So thanks to them and the wishes from the rest of my family and the lovely pictures from my niece Sophie.
Its going to be a busy weekend , as we have Bob Spour also staying doing seminars this weekend, but I'm glad to have the distraction to keep me busy and not let me dwell on things. I hope he gets a good nights sleep.

Pats operation should be about 12 midday, so lets get the F****R cut out and get back on to the road to recovery and back to training which gives him so much pleasure.

Mrs Campbell and others I promise to look after him :)

big huge thanks again xxx

karma

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

What Do You Mean by Karma?

Karma implies, does it not, cause and effect - action based on cause, producing a certain effect; action born out of conditioning, producing further results. So karma implies cause and effect. And are cause and effect static, are cause and effect ever fixed? Does not effect become cause also? So there is no fixed cause or fixed effect. Today is a result of yesterday, is it not? Today is the outcome of yesterday, chronologically as well as psychologically; and today is the cause of tomorrow. So cause is effect, and effect becomes cause - it is one continuous movement: there is no fixed cause or fixed effect. If there were a fixed cause and a fixed effect, there would be specialization; and is not specialization death? Any species that specializes obviously comes to an end. The greatness of man is that he cannot specialize. He may specialize technically, but in structure he cannot specialize. An acorn seed is specialized - it cannot be anything but what it is. But the human bei
ng does not end completely. There is the possibility of constant renewal; he is not limited by specialization. As long as we regard the cause, the background, the conditioning, as unrelated to the effect, there must be conflict between thought and the background. So the problem is much more complex than whether to believe in reincarnation or not, because the question is how to act, not whether you believe in reincarnation or in karma. That is absolutely irrelevant.

The Book of Life - November 20

Submission

a big thanks to
caz, perry, Kali, Kate, auntie sheila and uncle bill, Margaret, Hamish, James, Laura, Sophie,Rhea , Jessie; Bill, Leslie, William and Ruth; Ewen, Leslie and the kids; Bob Spour; Marc McFann; Greg Nelson; Guro Dan Inosanto and Simo Paula; Arjan Chai; Steven Grantham; Daniel Loreno; Joel Clark; John Spezzano; Fraser Kyne; Wendy and Graham Burr and Ellie; Rick Young & family; Terry B; Ray Terry; Andy Callaghan; Rey and Tatiana Diogo; Erik and Tanya Paulson; Mohssen; Tuhon Bill McGrath; Ed in Dublin; Steve Riley and clan; Dod Law; Rob, Steph, Abbie and Sam, Andrew and Aileen Flett; George Scott, Deana, Kenny and Scott; Siva; Hilary and Darren and Elle, Graham and Gillian; Mike Gordon, Tim Hudgell and colleagues at subsea7; chelsea boys incl nick, john, james, max; killing joke gatherers; Triumph riders; lil annie; all at AMAG: Ray and Heather; James MacDonald; Bill Mutch; Ross and Lyndsey Turner; Peter ; Leigh; Chris Moir; Jon, Chris P, jodi, Matt Russell, headlock, Arak and Bart, Dave Johnstone, Derek Latto, John maitland and their families, rituka, Mandy, Selena, Ben the Legend, Dave Marlow, Antoine, kenny, duncan, willie, Paul (Cat Stephens) McIntrye, tony and angie, scott f, vern, alan p; Graeme Leggat; Craig Wilson and the Edinburgh martial artists; London ma's; John Nicholson and the Dinkey's; The New Zealand connection- Dino, Keith, Rimma, Nick and Laura, Brett; Mick Tulley; Rannoch, Colin and Audrey Pope, Val, Jade and Tony; sarah; John and Mandy; fred at 1 up; titch; hen; Stephan Kesting; and the rest of you.

your support is great! i'll be out saturday week, you lot are buying the beers ; )



it's time now......

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Synchronicity

i nearly didn't pick up the phone, but i did and well (this is the email follow up):

My name is ******, and I am a Results Coaching Consultant here at the Anthony Robbins Companies. You are receiving this email because you have been involved with us here in the past. I don't know why you would do something crazy like that, but if you are reaching for more in life, then you won't want to pass this up: Tony asks us to reach out to some of our clients once a year and offer you a complimentary Coaching Strategy Session and I can set that up for you.

We want to honor your commitment to creating a life that you are passionate about waking up to. The Results Coaching Strategy Session a is powerful session that I have with my clients about their goals, and the important things in their lives. During this one time session, we will spend 30-45 minutes discussing the top three outcomes that you want to achieve in the next 6-12 months, the behaviors and/or belief patterns that currently get in the way, and how to bridge the gap... if getting charged up about your goals and life would be a great impact on you, make sure to get this session scheduled! We will also see if you are a good candidate for the Anthony Robbins Results Coaching Program.

Ok, the guy got flustered when i told him i was keen but was going into surgery, but hey, if you talk the walk. I also had a kitchen salesman at the front door earlier but no thanks. This however is a positive synchronicity sign that fits into my healing process and targeting where i want to be in March, in August, in November 09.

That phone call could have been dialed to any number of phones, but it came to mine...

Ive been quiet today, i opened a well wishes card and tears were wept and i've felt low. This event has revitalised me for the evening before i go in.

Preparation


Today is a day of organisation. Getting my stuff ready for the hospital, covering bills and making sure the relatives are all in the loop. Magazines, books, some dvd's to be played on the laptop although that will be brought in on Saturday.

nhs grampian the worst at meeting treatment target. North-east victims of cancer face long wait

my wait for treatment has been, from referral, 77 days approx. Seems i live in the wrong area, however i know i will have the best attention from the staff at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary

Haircut last night, spoke about this in this post before a previous postponed Operation date. I met Perry for something to eat and went into 1-up records to speak to auld pals. Walked kali over Broadhill and along the beach. Taught class and then returned home.

Thanks for all the cards, well wishes through text, calls and e mail. The card arrived from the New Zealand crew - heads up!

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Letting the past die

Yesterday I came to work on my motorbike. The first time for ages. Oh the smile on my face! my energy was great and i taught a tough class later at night.

Irene Morrans also called. Irene has healed me many times in the past and we have known each other since she became a student in my Thai class around 1993. As a reflexologist, with many more strings to her bow, she healed me when i had serious knee injury's in Judo competition at that time.

There's one thing we talked about that is worthy of note. I touched on the subject earlier in the blog when i received my hypnotherapy from Bob Spour that there is a deep rooted anger in me that could have in some way contributed to this tumor. When i mentioned this, she recalled the first time she used Bowen on me.

Bowen involved a session which in laymans terms, saw her pinch the points of meridians in which the energy channels were blocked, freeing the energy that was blocked by stress etc. Its a technique used on horses. It's quite painful when compared to a foot massage! Irene was very suprised when i gave her feedback to the reaction. For about a week i was in a very bad mood, which we put down to the release of the negative energy manifesting itself first. After each session the mood period was less.

Liver problems are considered to be a manifestation of deep rooted anger. I know what the anger is and i'm using methods to release it. I must let the past die and look to today and live my life free and healthy.

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

Die Every Day

What is age? Is it the number of years you have lived? That is part of age; you were born in such and such a year, and now you are fifteen, forty or sixty years old. Your body grows old - and so does your mind when it is burdened with all the experiences, miseries and weariness of life; and such a mind can never discover what is truth.
..........
It is tradition, the accumula
tion of experience, the ashes of memory, that make the mind old. The mind that dies every day to the memories of yesterday, to all the joys and sorrows of the past - such a mind is fresh, innocent, it has no age; and without that innocence, whether you are ten or sixty, you will not find God.

The Book of Life - November 10

Anyone near or around Edinburgh might be interested in this

Haircut tonight, spoke about this in this post before a previous postponed Operation date. Then meeting Perry for tea.

Monday, 17 November 2008

Purpose

Tony Robbins says:
If you want to be successful, find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do and you'll achieve the same results. In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.

He also says : If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

So its a question of re-evaluating things constantly, keeping your models fresh and updating your aims. This done consistently will shape me to be successful in my targets.

When i watched Lesnar at the UFC i saw a healthy and vibrant Greg Nelson in his corner. This is a man who was told he had something that
only 33 cases were in medical literature and that, of those 33, there were 0 survivors. Yet he decided he was going to live and retain his quality of life.

This week sees me going into surgery. Apart from that biopsy i have never had surgery in my life.

I'm scared.

I was scared when at the age 40 i went into the ring on a cold wintry night in some distant place in England.
I was scared when i first got together with Caz.
I was scared when i took custody of my son Perry as a single parent, going into my last year of a university degree, which i took on at the age of 30, having to work 4 nights on the doors to live.

I was scared so many times this blog isn't big enough to cover it.

But i did them all

I was scared to reach out and ask Greg and wrote 4 emails and deleted each one. I received the CSW camp dvd at that time and on one section he talks about his cancer stopping him running and that gave me the angle to ask him a question in a manner that was acceptable to my standards. He came back no holds barred and gave me direction. For that i owe him so much but it's still me that has to deal with it, make it work.

I hear from many readers of this blog about people they know who are sufferring. Give them this blog address if you want - it may make the difference. Thats the way i'll pay back the debt i owe to the likes of Greg, to all who have given me strength, from my direct familly, my students, instructors and colleagues, to associates and people i dont even know.

Life is the purpose and it will go from us one day but dont give it up easily. We are the generation that is rewriting the medical books and taking the BIG C and turning it into the little c. you may be scared but that is what drives us forward.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Sunday - 5 Days to go!

Not a great night results wise on an excellent show, but the performances were good and the fighters progress is more relevant. Arak fought well and was disappointed with the draw, Bart lost valiantly to a more experienced opponent and Chris lost by a decision. I was very proud of the guys.

It was a long day but i was so taken up with the event that i never felt any problems. I now think the poor start to the week was my body fighting a different bug.

It was great to see two friends in the corner of Brock Lesnar when he took t
he Heavyweight title in the UFC against the magnificent Couture. Erik Paulson and Greg Nelson had primed Lesnar perfectly and i'll get to see Erik soon when he comes to Aberdeen.



Again, i hear that ACPO have called for Motorcycles to be banned. the report was set up by
South Yorkshire's chief constable, Meredydd Hughes, who had to step down from ACPO after he was banned from driving for speeding at 90mph in a 60mph zone. it is his third speeding conviction. Says it all really. i haven't been on the bike for a while as i haven't felt well enough to drive it. This is the one i had for 5 years until i changed to a newer model this year.


Surely, in ending there is renewal, is there not? It's only in death that a new thing comes into being. Bye Bye Tumor

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Lanark bound

Just about to set off with the fighters and corner team to travel to Lanark for tonight's show.

Yesterday was a great day, full of energy, did lots of stuff and then suddenly its 11pm! This morning i feel a little heavy headed, maybe Dave 'Burnley' Metcalf sent too much energy through the ether with his glass of wine! (see comment to last post). Anyway, its a 3 hour drive and i've got extra cornermen to keep me free to rest at times!

UFC will be on when we get back, the Natural against the Block!

Brock Lesnar (265) vs Randy Couture (220)

Joe Stevenson (156) vs Kenny Florian (156)
Josh Hendricks (238) vs Gabriel Gonzaga (256)
Demian Maia (185) vs Nate Quarry (185)
Tamdan McCrory (170) vs Dustin Hazelett (170)

I listen to my body's messages in the knowledge that it's looking after me.

Friday, 14 November 2008

This time next week!

One week to go! This time next week i won't have a scooby where i am. If they can get the epidural in through the muscle tissue around the spine then i'll also be numbed by that.

The term epidural is often short for epidural anesthesia, a form of regional anesthesia involving injection of drugs through a catheter placed into the epidural space. The injection can cause both a loss of sensation and a loss of pain, by blocking the transmission of signals through nerves in or near the spinal cord.

The epidural space is a part of the human spine. It is the space inside the bony spinal canal but outside the membrane called the dura mater. In contact with the inner surface of the dura is another membrane called the arachnoid mater. The arachnoid encompasses the cerebrospinal fluid that surrounds the spinal cord.

Further info here.


I want to find out how long after major surgery it is possible to start physical exertion. I have rubber bands so i can isolate muscle parts and work on them without causing damage to healing wounds. Exercise does increase blood flow, which carries oxygen around the body, which encourages healing. I have set up the mental processes as discussed before to focus the body on healing certain areas, I now want to prepare the physical process for when im released.


Weller last night was interesting. I tired and i'm not partial to big venues, however the mix of Weller and the lightshow kept me spellbound. The set list has Stanley Road classics (‘The Changingman’, ‘You Do Something To Me’, ‘Broken Stones’), Style Council chart-toppers, 'Eton Rifles' and 'That's Entertainment', through to ‘Wild Wood’.

'Cold Moments' accompanied by images of 911 and the Twin Towers, burning Palestinians, napalm victims, JFK, Martin Luther King Jr and John Lennon campaigning for peace and being assassinated for doing it. The audience is mesmerised - powerful an antiwar message as if delivered by Crass. Weller then ends his two-hour set with the 'Town Called Malice'.

My future is bright and beautiful.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

The Modfather

I stayed in bed all yesterday. id gone to bed early the night before and wasn't well. In the morning i didnt feel good and slept most of the day. I eventually rose and walked the dog at dusk which gave me some fresh air. With some Thai soup inside me, i was able to stay up till bedtime again. Perry popped round in a short visit. It was nice having Caz, Perry and Kali around me!

Chelsea lost : (

Today im in the office for a short period. I have tickets for Paul Weller tonight and hope i can mange it. Weller has been in my life since i was 14/15 when i first heard The Jam. Going Underground to Thats Entertainment will last forever. The Style Council didn't really interest me although one or two did the business, but Weller set out on his own again and has had some remarkable songs. he also helped set up a site called CHECKEMLADS.COM to raise awareness for testicular cancer
A week to go...thanks for the messages and comments, as i said before i can't respond to all of them but they mean a lot!

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

focus

3,30pm yesterday the tiredness kicked in, i drove home and slept for a while. I was back to bed early feeling very hot and with vivid dreams had a restless night. I slept late and haven't gone to the office.

I need to reset the focus of healing so i don't lose grip with the root, maybe as a daily ritual. Enough of verbal statements of intention and time to walk the talk. The papers have arrived to confirm the date of
surgery, so now it's not necessary to keep the front of 'normality'. It's time to switch over to the healing process that must be up and running when the blade cuts. Time to rid myself of distractions and conflicts.

Duncan sent me a recommendation -
You Can Heal Your Life - that has worked for him, so i will look at that - thanks, it looks to fit in with the route i'm looking at and i'm sure it will assist.

Today I release the need to blame anyone, including myself.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

symptons

Everyday is differently the same at the moment – either up or down.


Sleep and hydration are the mitigating factors. I can be ok and then it can turn on me.


I am feeling the cold at the moment, so I walked the dog with thermals on yesterday. After a power nap I went to the gym to teach the Thai class. The three fighters were given a pounding and there is only one day of training before they can rest up for Saturday.

Today I’m up, concentration isn’t too bad and I feel great. No pain to speak of. I still see myself on that timeline of training in March. I still visualise a healthy liver and my fist squeezing the tumour tightly. If I consume too much wheat I tend to bloat up and that is uncomfortable. I’m down in size but my weight is still around 99kg. Whilst others suffer colds i dont seem to be affected.


=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

Only One Hour to Live

If you had only one hour to live, what would you do? Would you not arrange what is necessary outwardly, your affairs, your will, and so on? Would you not call your family and friends together and ask their forgiveness for the harm that you might have done to them, and forgive them for whatever harm they might have done to you? Would you not die completely to the things of the mind, to desires and to the world? And if it can be done for an hour, then it can also be done for the days and years that may remain...Try it and you will find out.

The Book of Life - November 9

Remembrance Day

I make no apology for the poppy, there are people who have given their life for us to sleep safe. In good faith those men and women stepped forward and are now left to their own devices whether they are ill or handicapped. I do though include in that remembrance all the civilians who were affected, the pacifists who didn’t fight but still provided essential services to infrastructure of assistance to people.

I am a man of peace but, to me, peace is not about marching down a street or spouting political or religious dogma. Peace starts within us and if there is conflict then it will be manifested around us and it spreads like ripples on a pond. So if external conflict is a result of internal conflict how do we stop it? If we are to be free we must know how not to be bound by the past. Freedom is sold on the concept that it means choices yet freedom actually means there is no need for choice.

Freedom is about not being bound by the past and in JKD terms we refer to it as having the empty cup, to be able to slip or roll with what is thrown with us instinctively rather than by set movements, rigid and dogmatic. So we must rid ourselves of the past in order be free and if we are free we will not have the conflict that ripples out.

The The sang a song about True Happiness this way lies and you can see the lyrics here . Sometimes you can look too hard and miss what you already have.

My parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles all lived through either both or one of the two major wars that were meant to end all wars. Not to remember would be folly, yet we must remember properly and learn, because ripples in the pond is a cause and effect and some of todays conflicts are a result of the ripples from the past. So if we truly want peace then it starts within, where conflict begins. End the conflict within and the ripples will stop. Fight War Not Wars!

Further reading material: http://www.bracketpress.co.uk/

Monday, 10 November 2008

Fiona's Marathon Effort

Fiona ran the New York marathon and you can see her page here, her target of fundraising is almost met. Well done girl! Can you make a difference?

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Remembrance Sunday


Remembrance Sunday


I enjoyed the Saturday seminar. Rick's courtesy stretched to Caz so a big thank you there. Rick was awarded a Lifetime Achievement plaque form Guro Inosanto and well earned it is too. It was great to see friends and fellow martial artists, not to forget Joel who accompanies Guro on these trips.

At night we stayed with Rob and Steph with their children Sam and Abbie and played Monkey and Buzz on the playstation. Nice time.

Great News for the Welsh yesterday. Although we lost to South Africa the team played well by all accounts and are building a great side. Then to top it off Joe Calzaghe beat Roy Jones Jr despite being knocked down in Round one. A true champion. A time to play Catatonia's International Velvet.

Off to train the fighters for next weeks show in Lanark. Its bitter today and i'm yet to walk the dog.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Newsflash - OP date

21st November, go in the day before.

Confirmed as HCC.

Friday's dressing down

No jelly with the ice cream last night as I took Perry out to the shops where he picked a Timberland jacket which must be part of the rage right now. He shuns normal fashion shops that he refers to as 'spice boy's boutiques'! Don't know where he gets that from!

Loved the recent BBC programme on streetware from the spivs, teddy boys, mods, skinheads... up to the modern day chav although they skip one or two. Click the link to see it - Chelsea fans will see a rare piece with Eccles patrolling the shed - they say we have no history! I recall my first pair of Dr Martins, first Harrington, Donkey Jacket, bondage trousers, Stone Island , etc

Anyway, went back to the house for pizza and we walked the dog in the drizzle and just spent time, which was nice for father and son but was really down to the fact that he had partied hard the night before and was suffering!

During my session last week with Bob, i had to focus at one point on good School memories and, without going into it, these guys featured in the good ones. This was us a few years back on a reunion morning after.


Nick, Max, Tom, Jerry, Andrew and me.






Weekend thinking for you:

JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote Life's Purpose

There are many people who will give you the purpose of life; they will tell you what the sacred books say. Clever people will go on inventing what the purpose of life is. The political group will have one purpose, the religious group will have another purpose, and so on and on. So, what is the purpose of life when you yourself are confused?
When I am confused, I ask you this question, "What is the purpose of life?" because I hope that through this confusion, I shall find an answer. How can I find a true answer when I am confused? Do you understand? If I am confused, I can only receive an answer that is also confused. If my mind is confused, if my mind is disturbed, if my mind is not beautiful, quiet, whatever answer I receive will be through this screen of confusion, anxiety, and fear; therefore, the answer will be perverted.
So, what is important is not to ask, "What is the purpose of life, of existence?" but to clear the confusion that is within you. It is like a blind man
who asks, "What is light?" If I tell him what light is, he will listen according to his blindness, according to his darkness; but suppose he is able to see, then he will never ask the question, "What is light?" It is there. Similarly, if you can clarify the confusion within yourself, then you will find what the purpose of life is; you will not have to ask, you will not have to look for it; all that you have to do is to be free from those causes which bring about confusion. The Book of Life - November 7

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Guro in Edinburgh

Guro Dan Inosanto comes to Edinburgh this weekend for maybe the 18th visit. I never miss it and only once i had to watch with a fever that i later found out came from a tooth abscess. This year i will watch thanks to the courtesy of Rick Young.

Guro, as we refer to him, was a student of the later Bruce Lee, probably the reason i first went to a seminar with Dod Copland in 1986. I recall being in the car afterwards and we were talking about the event and Dod had said that he couldn't ever commit himself to that extent, but i thought about it and differred.

22 years later i will see him again as a representative of his International Instructors Programme. Through my school i have others - Leigh and Peter - starting on their road with him and i hope a few others will join us in the future.

Guro is an inspiration that many who do not have the fortune to be around him misinterpret and dismiss. They forget that every weekend he travels all over the place, he was in Tulsa last weekend, Uk this, somewhere else the next, Spain the one after that, Australia etc. The jet lag alone would condemn the ordinary man to a drivelling idiot but Guro stand up at the age of 72 and teaches to numbers around 200. Then he will patiently have his picture taken with students and sign pictures and yet someone will still crticise him or claim that he doesnt know how to fight etc. Sometimes the loudest are the most stupid!

I was going to say that today i am struggling, that i feel a chill, dizzy. But then i thought about Guro and what he does and the fact that he doesnt complain, he doesnt duck, and i was able to put my self importance in check. I still have no call from the Doctors and i dont want them to call as i want to go and see Guro. I'll be gutted i cant participate in an active way but i am chuffed i can participate in another way. Its not failure, Robbins says that there is no such thing as failure - only a different set of results.

I'll also take my rug that Rob sent me, as i'll hopefully see him in the evening.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PERRY!

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Guy Fawkes - bonfire night

The dark night is being lit by fireworks on Guy Fawkes night. Bonfire night as its also known is the evening before my son perry's birthday. His last night as a teenager (click link for a bit of UK Subs!).

The Rollercoaster

I was warned and it's come true. You can be up one moment and down the next. Yesterday i did a 7 hour day at the office, longest for a while and it was a busy one at that.

Getting home it was great to see Kali who also took a huff in that i got the blame for her enforced absence. She loves going to Inverness and gets spoilt rotten, but she always has a few days huff at us for being seperated. I went down with her to the gym with her to teach.

I started teaching class and felt full of energy. Half way through i dropped like a stone, the pain was like a big cramp in my side. I struggled to the end of class, composed myself and made it home. The sleep was a burning one, i had a fever. Had nothing to do with the disasterous 3-1 defeat to Roma.

Today it hurts, i still have energy and i still visualise, but it still hurts. It will go away though.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

I Feel Good


James Brown on the decks!

After last nights post i crumpled up feeling ill and went straight to bed. I ate a couple of 'monkey' nuts earlier on and that didnt agree with the stomach.

Woke up fresh - slept through the alarm - and im in the office feeling alert and working away in foggy aberdeen. I have to be wary right now not to get carried away , keep to my timeline without putting the blood pressure up to high.

Still no word from my surgeon but if you were to take your right hand and squeeze it into a fist you will now visualise what im doing to this tumor.

People are amazed how big the liver is and this diagram puts that in context.

Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch : Sushi pack, Carrot Cake, green tea
Tea: Have some fresh haddock for tonight!

Monday, 3 November 2008

Mondays ease

After a weekend of travel and watching everyone train (sob), i expected to be worn out today. I'm not.

after the office, where i was alert, i came home and had a small powernap for 15 minutes, ate and then went and taught class. Ok, i'm not training but i'm not weak. It's only a week since the biopsy and i can still feel that dscomfort and i still have sypmtons of liver failure but i feel good.

Bob's session had me visualise healing, planting into the unconsious the areas the body needs to work on all the time. If i ended going without surgery what a boost. I see the tumour as being fried as i type, its under attack rather than the other way around.

One follower here has used NLP to reframe his attitude to food. He's lost 55lb this year! Wow! Well done pal! I know you will feel better because of it.

Maybe i'll hear results tomorrow, but i'm ahead of the surgeon. The sands of time pass too quick to waste precious time.

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Trick or Treat

Caz passed her Thai Boxing Assoc of the UK test under Ajarn Chai! Well done. The first female in Europe to get the certification of Instructorship!

With all the has been going on and not knowing whether we would be able to get down, Caz's preparation for the test was put to one side. After traveling down, Ewen Campbell asked me whether she could do it and after i nodded without hesitation. Ajarn was informed she would test. We then told Caz. Ouch!

Mo Coles also passed as, i think ,did Sid but we had to leave to catch the plane by then. Ewen passed his associates test. Well done all!

Marc also got into the national Lets Wear Pink To Work Day as can be seen in this photo! - click on the photos to enlarge them!

During the weekend, i had a session with Bob Spour who worked me on reframing the way the illness is percieved by me. i'm effectively now looking at 4 months down a timeline, with a cinema screen image of me participating in a training session. i can feel the muscles being used and the sweat on my skin, tasting it on my lips.

My mind is now working on the healing process so any intrusive surgery is already being managed and i will be fully fit by Spring!

Nice to see the numbers of followers being registered! the collective support is always a strong incentive to heal and if you ever know someone in trouble, you should know that a show of support will make a difference.
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