Friday, 31 October 2008
Spent some time with Perry my son, 19 going on 25. Teenagers huh! i apologise in my prayers to my parents for my behaviour at that age, you cant see it till its done to you!
Thursday, 30 October 2008
I'm travelling this weekend down to Arjarn Chai's seminar in Northampton. During this time i will spend an hour with Bob Spour who is going to put me into a trance and install deep seated healing procedures developed by Bandler. I have discussed this earlier on in the blog.
Last night Bob reseated my way of thinking in a session that lasted an hour over the telephone. I woke up this am invigorated, fresh and alert. I now look at the liver as something that is a healthy functioning organ that wants to return to 100% efficiency. It had been stretched by my work load and has screamed out and so now i see these symptoms as alerts from a fully functioning organ.
This whole way of looking at it flies in the face of societies methods. The Dr's, afraid of the consequences in a litigacious society, tell you that this organ is defective and keep to very safe parameters. But its not, its working and its sent out alerts which have brought me to the Dr's attention. The tumor has a purpose.
Greg told me initially that 1/3rd of cancer patients die of malnutrition, they give up and he told me how he forced food into himself and i followed his lead as i said before in posts. The way we look at cancer needs to change in society from an apocolyptic viewpoint so that the survival rates increase. We all need to delete the previous misconception and replace it with something that is more positive - not a lie.
At my work i have been introducing an application for pricing how much a prospective job will be so that we can bid to our client in an accurate way. The most frustrating thing has not been the bugs in the system but the people, who before they even use the application, dismiss it. This is the danger for cancer sufferers, other peoples attitude and how we can buy into it or surrender ourselves to the general viiew even though it may be totally wrong.
When i was born i didnt wait for my first breath till i'd read the terms or conditions of my particular life. I strived for survival and gasped that precious breath in to live in what was immediately a terminal condition. There's no fair or unfair, it is just 'is' and that instinct to survive and live is still as strong.
So im off to see Ajarn Chai, Marc McFann and ewen Campbell and a man called Bob
|1.||a division of the Roman army, usually comprising 3000 to 6000 soldiers.|
|2.||a military or semimilitary unit.|
|3.||the Legion. |
|4.||any large group of armed men.|
|5.||any great number of persons or things; multitude.|
|6.||very great in number: The holy man's faithful followers were legion.|
The ammount of correspondence is truely uplifting. Thank you. It makes a difference and PLEASE don't be offended if i don't reply directly. It would take my day away to reply to each and every one and the blog is my way of giving the information and keep ing the strength as well as helping anyone else in this situation. Theres a section to your right called followers and do add yourself to it. Even associate a silly photo or a proper one.
i receive wishes from old aquaintences from New Zealand, Australia, USA, Canada, Belize, Wales, Scotland, England, Eire, Norway, Poland, UAE and Thailand. The world is a small place!
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
The illness, any illness is there for a reason, to tell us, to protect us, to indicate. My liver has problems and the tumor is there to let me know that. The symptoms were cries to identify that.
the liver is an amazing organ that can regrow, i read recently a liver can regrow in a week! Im a big lad so ill accept two weeks, but it will regrow and i will be healthy, with a healthy liver and the bloating, the blood pressure and tiredness that was telling me to be aware will not be needed anymore.
I'm going to study what the liver does and how good it is. I will learn why the liver is important and reframe the image as one that is healthy and how it will be very soon.
And when its healthy what do you think i'm going to be doing? I'll be running, i'll be rolling, i'll be striking. I'll be even better than before. I'll appreciate what i have as a liver and i will look after it better!
So i thank you for the concern, i understand that you want to reach out and express, but do so by being there with me in a positive frame. Be there when i'm tiring and encourage me on, because when i'm at the top of that hill i'll be the first to turn round and offer you a helping hand.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Caz and i arrived Monday 8am at the ward. I was swept off to a room where there was a bed for me! Hold on! No-one had mentioned a bed! Just sat on the bed when the doctors morning round came in.
Who's this? What's he doing here? What biopsy?
Hey! You told me to come in!
I've learnt that was the doctor remonstrating with his charges as to why there were no notes there for him. Its then i'm told that i'm in overnight. First overnight stay in hospital since the age of 7. So they take more blood, this time to check the bloods clotting ability and i sit and wait, fasting till 2pm.
They wheel me down on the bed and i go to the ultrasound room. the dr there is clear, concise and puts me at ease. Imagine two bits of sponge cake with jam in the middle. The top layer gets the local anesthetic but the liver has a wall - the jam - and this is not anesthetised. So the biopsy probe goes through the top layer and snatches a bit from the bottom section. OW! Then there is a second one. The pain extends to the shoulder as if its been twisted too long. The feeling of that liver cut took me back to a shot i got commonly known as a liver punch. It shakes the foundations of your core. A cut or a thump does not compare to this on the Richter scale.
I spend the next four hours lying still on the bed. I don't move as it hurts. After four hours i can eat my meal - a delightful dish i don't honestly want to recall and i sit up more on the bed, get the itouch out and watch some videos on it. Caz comes to visit and soon leaves to go and lock up the school. I'm in a room with two elderly men in it. One is quiet, doesn't say much and goes to sleep quickly. The other is always talking. He started the day off positively but ended up depressed. He gets attention until 11 and then is sick through the night. Its a lesson for when the recovery starts as i have to be prepared not to be brought down by others.
Morning has brought snow. I ravish two bits of toast that is my breakfast and am told i can go home at lunchtime. About 11am the nurse comes in and lets me loose and within 30 minutes im being picked in the car by Caz. I get home to the short wagging tail of Kali and after a cup of tea and some more toast i go for a sleep.
So now i wait for the surgeon to call me again and tell me when i'm due in or what alternative route they may have. I'm in limbo not knowing that question everyone asks me - when?
Right now i need to heal from the biopsy
Sunday, 26 October 2008
The clocks went back so its now darker earlier and lighter before i get up. I'll have to be up early as schools go back so the traffic will be heavy in the morning for my journey to the hospital. It will be a long day. Still i recorded the UFC 90 so will watch that tonight. Lets hope this week is a productive one!
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Today i trained three fighters setting out circuits with agility ladders, 12 cm hurdles, grip plates and sprint restrainers. Those guys worked hard as did Ross and Scott who were doing the pad holding. I taught the Phase 1 class that covers the fundamentals of the arts.
I had to explain that the class is not basics, something you leave behind, but a fundementals class. As the fundamentals are something you carry through all the time.
Bob has taught me the significance of language and how it can motivate or lose a student and while some don't buy into NLP it works for me. Another great example is Guro Inosanto who rather than tell me that I'm doing something wrong, he says "you can do it that way also" before showing the correct method. That really helps me as a student.
I use this lesson right through this blog and I will not falter due to others insecurities. Be strong! Have purpose!
So Ive eaten and I'll spend time with Caz's family tonight. We will walk the dog in the morning by Dores, next to Loch Ness where she'll bark at the monster.
Thanks to the messages you guys send, it does help. Several have also let me into their secret that they too have survived cancer and their endorsement means i will keep going with this blog.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Yoga was interesting last night. I used the Grapplearts dvd and set my mat out which I should know by now is an invitation for Kali to sit on it. A couple of sun salutations and she’s moved away in a huff. Boy am I stiff and half the positions I clumsily work my way into. However I do it and today I feel physically great, it’s just the mind that’s foggy. I had some bloating in the last two days as a result of the liver malfunction so I’ll be carefull what I eat today. Fish tonight.
Tomorrow we go up to
With the news of the biopsy on Monday, I’m quite elated as the ball is rolling again. The surgeons meet on a Tuesday and so if they have the results ready then I could be in as fast as the Friday but the reality is that the NHS is a slow moving beast, although I trust the staff implicitly. Guess ill be crashed out on Monday night and probably Tuesday, tests tend to take it out of you.
Been watching the Ultimate Fighter Series 3 on DVD. Serra’s just made it through the final. He’s just let loose at Mark Laimon who isn’t everyone’s cup of tea not that I’m qualified to offer an opinion. But my friend and Instructor Marc McFann arrives in the
Marc been grappling since he was a kid. He was in the US Judo squad and was the most advanced JKD grappler after Larry Hartsell before anyone had heard of the Gracies. He still goes now and then to Vegas to train with Laimon as he learns new material from a fresh perspective.
Marc’s not been well. He’s had in recent years a hip replacement before smashing his foot in a hunting accident and then that healed. He has been looking well the last few trips and I look forward to seeing him next week. Students at AMAG will enjoy his wednesday seminar.
A student at AMAG, Jon Cameron has alerted me to a course he did on Design Human Engineering with Dr Richard Bandler (the creator of NLP) suggesting this is a tool that may be of interest to me. As it turns out Bob Spour has some experience in this and will be calling me soon to initate the process. It's basically NLP used for healing. Bob has used it with some clients with allergies and torn muscles and says he can reframe my problem using deep trance allowing me to access resources that will aid in the healing process...what a thought!
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Terry is sick and not sure he's going to make his fiftieth birthday, but is kept going by his music, his lovely mod-girl assistant Angie, and his discovery of the abandoned Union Jack Club, which he decides to clean up and re-open. I won’t say anything more but it’s a great read from the author that wrote Football Factory (totally different from the film), the excellent Human Punk, White Trash and The Prison House. I would encourage you to read his novels if you are stuck for choice. You’ll be digging out your old Harrington and back into the DM’s before the weeks out! Go to London Books
I said to someone who I’d enthusiastically bought the book for as a present that I was doing a Terry English!! It was a coded message letting him know I was unwell. Here is a book that I really enjoyed earlier this year and I’m mimicking the main character! So does life mirror Art or vica versa?
Last night wasn’t great. I got home before 4 and slept till 5.30pm – wrapped in that lovely rug by the way! I took the dog for a walk but it was cold. I was tired and hurting. I ended up distracted from the
Today I’m still feeling poorly. In anticipation of what was meant to be my period in hospital I had arranged a haircut by my pal Paul McIntyre at Purdeys on the Green. I still attended and now look the part with a number 2 fit to fight with. It was Jose’s battle cry in the 2006 pre season “"Look at my haircut. I am ready for the war.”
I’m going to war on cancer! Thanks Paul!
i guess what I'm getting to in the end is that the books look at a part of our culture, one that is generally misrepresented by the media who perpetuate a normal nuclear family image. But with the revelation of my condition, how many people there have been who have survived or have been touched by the issue in hand. By having it out and breaking the taboo is one of the first steps to helping others out of the nightmare. We are human beings, all touched and we should be more open about it than brushing it under the carpet.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
My approach today is to change the way I’m behaving. Since before the diagnosis training had become difficult as I was simply tired and out of breath. With the diagnosis the advice was to stop the training as it would tire me out and to be perfectly the honest I was too tired and out of breath to train. If I climb stairs too quickly I get dizzy as when the heart rate goes too high the liver condition causes shortness of breath. When I am tired I cough. When I exert myself I get dizzy.
This was suitable when expecting imminent surgery, but now we have learnt that surgery gets moved back and if i have to roll with the punches then i have to be fit to do so. I know that if I am strong then I will heal quicker. If I heal quicker I can resume my pleasures in life quicker. If that is the prospect then I am positive in mindset and the loop goes on. I'm responsible for my health, im not a spectator.
So I am initiating a fitness regime today to gently bring myself to a level that can be maintained yet will not tire me. I’ll use the heart rate monitor and hope to do during the week a couple of small kettlebell sessions, some yoga and if Caz will allow me to bring the exercise bike into the house then I will try and cycle. We will take it from there as time goes by. Sort of kills my plans to watch the Chelsea game scoffing a pizza and a few bottle of Spitfire beer (Bottle of Britain!) but needs must. ; )
A kind thank you to all who have texted, email or have called. I can’t respond to everyone but it’s appreciated and it makes a difference Rannoch made a nice post on his blog called gameness which is appreciated. Don't credit me with too much!
My daily quote from JKrishnamurti.org seems to be relevant to my thinking:
To transform the world, we must begin with ourselves; and what is important in beginning with ourselves is the intention. The intention must be to understand ourselves and not to leave it to others to transform themselves or to bring about a modified change through revolution, either of the left or of the right. It is important to understand that this is our responsibility, yours and mine; because, however small may be the world we live in, if we can transform ourselves, bring about a radically different point of view in our daily existence, then perhaps we shall affect the world at large, the extended relationship with others.
Reminds me of a The The song Lung Shadows: if you cant change the world change yourself. In fact Dusk is an album you should listen to at some point.
Thanks Rob for the Rug! Rob bought me this so i can keep my knees warm when caz pushes me down the beach. I luve ya!
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
As a result of this they now want to take a biopsy. this had first been discounted as they didn't want to spread the tumor but the surgeon is not worried about that as i guess they expect to cut off the liver. I will have to wait till next week or the week after before the resulting surgery, assuming there will be surgery.
The surgeon needs to have all the boxes ticked so when they make that decision its the right decision. That i can accept although i think i need an interface with this lot so that i can get a better understanding of whats happening to me. He said that i have had bleeding from the area earlier on but that its stopped.
If they dont operate then the next option is to microwave the tumor. i read about this when i first found out about the condition in what seems an age ago. They will stick a prong in through the side and will literally microwave at a low frequency. The last option is chemo in the blood supply.
Im reducing the hours at work as i'm tiring and that sees the pain increase. I will have to see the doctor for pain killers even though i hate to rely on them.
I have McFann coming in for a seminar next week so i will get to see him after all (without him getting dressed up in a nurses uniform but he can still do that if he wants!) and if i can get someone to drive then i hopefully can make Ajarn Chai's seminar to watch. it now looks like i will miss out on Guro Inosanto's visit, i was hoping to go down and say hi to him.
Its the uncertainty that gets you down but Greg warned me about this and i'm learning.
hey! Its a nice day outside. Haven't been on the motorbike for a while. The Triumph will need a run out soon. this pick from a recent 900 mile trip through the Isle of Skye
Monday, 20 October 2008
Picked up some Acai in the health food shop as well as more milk thistle. Lots of little protein snacks for throughout the day, spread my food to grazing stylee. I think the superfoods have slowed down the growth over the years but i wonder if creatine does harm? Ive not been a big user but in my 30's i was.
Hopefully i will talk to the surgeon tomorrow and get the go ahead for Friday. I have a report i want to finish at work and then i'll back off save my energy and build up to surgery.
Spoke to good friends today. Someone wished me good luck. No luck involved in it. Its the drive to heal because life has value.
Speaking to Mohssen the other day i recalled that one of the factors in my decisions to go back to engineering work at Subsea 7 was the health insurance. What was my subconscious telling me over a year ago? How often do we ignore things that we later see in hindsight?
I have a choice when i wake up. Do i live for the day or do i give up, wallow in self pity? Guess i'll live for the day! : )
=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===
Out of Perception Comes Energy
The problem is, surely, to free the mind totally so that it is in a state of awareness that has no border, no frontier. And how is the mind to discover that state? How is it to come to that freedom?
I hope you are seriously putting this question to yourselves, because I am not putting it to you. I am not trying to influence you; I am merely pointing out the importance of asking oneself this question. The verbal asking of the question by another has no meaning if you don't put it to yourself with instance, with urgency. The margin of freedom is growing narrower every day, as you must know if you are at all observant. The politicians, the leaders, the priests, the newspapers and books you read, the knowledge you acquire, the beliefs you cling to - all this is making the margin of freedom more and more narrow. If you are aware of this process going on, if you actually perceive the narrowness of the spirit, the increasing slavery of the mind, then you will find that out of perception comes energy; and it is this energy born of perception that is going to shatter the petty mind, the respectable mind, the mind that goes to the temple, the mind that is afraid. So perception is
the way of truth.
The Book of Life - October 12
Sunday, 19 October 2008
There are people who can have a significant influence on your life. Pictured above is Bob Spour. A former SAS soldier, martial artist, comedian and NLP trainer, Bob has made me realise over the last few years that what you tell yourself is what generally happens.
So after i had the Dr tell me i had a tumor and i walked the dog isolated in my thoughts and fears, i realised there is a culture of people telling us what we can do and cant. The big C as they used to refer to cancer holds a fear over the psyche and we are told that we will die!
But i dont want to. And im not going to, firstly its not severe enough and more importantly i will kick it out and live my life the way i get the most out of it. Our first breath is a terminal condition after all!
Look at Lance Armstrong, his condition was far worse and he defied the 'experts'. Why? Because he kept inputting data to his psyche saying he would win. My iPod plays the music i put into it and our body and mind are exactly the same. So my input will be positive and i will ignore other peoples negativity. Delete button - erase!
Bob has taught me that in the last few years.
Guro Dan Inosanto is another influential person. I haven't moaned about some things because i look at a 72 year old man who trains all day every day and has a schedule that would leave me destroyed! He has shown me that i don't have to bend to the stereotype and that i can achieve all the time in my own way. His focus and dedication has left a major influence on me.
Marc McFann, Erik Paulson, i could list so many right down to my son, but right now i need love i need strength and i need to be focused.
So if so many cancer patients die from malnutrition and the diseases feed off weak bodies nutrition is important.
Breakfast was an oat based protein shake, Granola cereal and two bits of toast with marmalade and a cup of tea (hey its sunday!)with a small mix of psyllium with milk thistle in it. I then mix a glass of water with a measure of lifeforce greens which really gives me energy.
I set out the training session at 12 for Chris Moir who has a thai fight coming up. Bill held the pads but only after several rounds of hurdles and the agility ladder.
We had to move stuff out of storage so Caz and i did that and its tired me. I want to walk the dog and that will be it for the night. Bisping did well last night in the UFC but i didn't like Lytle's reasoning in his fight. He'll pay later on in life for that slug fest when he has the skills to take people down and win without taking so much punishment. You have kids man, get your priorities right! The graveyard is full of people who thought it was important to entertain people.
So im off to walk the dog.... in the rain. But its ok, its a pleasure
Saturday, 18 October 2008
A couple of years ago we went in February to Thailand for a holiday and it was as if we'd run into a brick wall and suddenly stopped. Caz, my partner in life, and i were exhausted. When i came back i was sick with a bronchial infection that wouldn't clear.
After this i noticed a big deterioration in my recovery and i put it down to turning 45. I started training less, too tired to and yet i could always lift myself for seminars or going to LA to train at Guro Inosanto's Instructors camps.
Signs started to appear that i ignored but in 2008 i traveled to Brazil on work. At night i went to train in BJJ at the Carlson Gracie Academy but i was exhausted and my ankles were swollen.
A couple of months later, after a stressful time at work thanks to a Manager who ended up being sacked partially due to his behaviour towards me and many others, i went to LA to train and on to Houston on business. Again my ankles swelled and while i felt great in LA i cut down the number of hours i trained. When i got Houston i was not well and put it down to hayfever from the pollen on the trees.
Back home i was exhausted and my ankles were swollen. Over the past 18 months i had felt a pain occasionally when i was rolling on the ground in my side. Could it be Kidney stones or DVT? I went to colon cleansing and that reduced the bloating i had been suffering from, in fact i dropped a trouser size with that and felt better.
I went to the DR, something i wasn't used to doing and they took blood. My results showed high sugars so i did a fast and went back again. Was i diabetic?
No i wasn't, phew! But there were liver results slightly abnormal so i went to get an ultrasound.
I was just about to walk Kali my dog and i received a phone call from my doctor. It was cold, matter of fact. You have a Tumour on your Liver. My world collapsed while i struggled to hold it up. My mum and dad had died from cancer and now me. I walked the dog devastated but that act initself pulled me together and i knew this disease would not have me.
It took about a week or so before i talked with Caz. I went back to the DR but id seen the spot on the ultrasound and i'd had the Dr's call so i understood. She had referred me to the hospital and i just had to wait there.
She assured me that it wasn't related to my parents separate cancers.
The reality of the situation is that i was an angry young man, i may go into that later or not at all. However i turned that anger into a teenage rebellion that saw me extreme in everything i did. I grew up on the football terraces, i got into music when punk hit the scene and i partied every which way i could. My body then told me to stop and at the same time - around 21 years of age - my mum died. That week i started running and soon after took up martial arts and changed my life.
The shadow of that time was left on my liver and thanks to my good living since im healthy everywhere else so i will beat it.
So i go to the Dr at Woodend Hospital who takes more blood and x rays. Now its important to establish whether this is Primary or secondary. Primary is good as its therefore no where else. Secondary and we are fighting on different fronts. its about this time i start to feel more exhausted and i have pain in my side going upto the shoulder blade. I seem to have Liver failure at times and im short in breath. A week later i get a CT scan.
Around this time i sent a mail to Greg Nelson. I know of Greg and whilst i trained once with him i have dvds of him and several instructors are good friends of his. He had cancer twice and beat it both. I wrote about 5 emails and deleted the first four. Eventually i sent it. A few days later i got a response that has encourage me to do this blog. His help and attitude has already made a difference. He encouraged me to eat for energy and so i started protein shakes. Steve Riley had traveled over from Australia to see his dad before he died of cancer. Before leaving he gave me an oat based protein mix that has been wonderful.
Suddenly my energy has gone sky high. Caz recommended milk thistle and i haven't used pain killers for over three weeks. I have held pads for fighters getting ready and taught with much more energy.
After two weeks i go to see the surgeon at ARI (Aberdeen Royal Infirmary). im there at 12 but dont get seen till 1.45pm. Then the surgeon has to leave to go to theatre. Before that he tells me about whats there but taking it from a worst case scenario. No i say, im going to be alright. More tests to come.
Im in on the Thursday and get MRI, heart tests, blood tests and to see the anesthetist. Its a long day but im told that ill be in Sunday night for surgery monday am.
i tell work, i tell mates and work colleagues. Calls come in from the US and Australia, mails from New Zealand etc. Tremendous support from friends. Thanks, i need every ounce of strength and IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. I pack up on Friday at work and leave. Im tired.
the phone rings. The operation is delayed for a week. Im devastated, its a body punch that floors me. I crack from the hard exterior i put on. I speak with the surgeon who still awaits results. His logic is sound, i am comforted and recover.
So another week to go. Ill watch the UFC tonight elated after Chelsea's 5-0 win without thinking of my sunday trip to ARI.. From now on you will read daily-ish updates
my mantra is greg's: I may have had cancer but cancer won't have me. No surrender!
yesterday - friday - i packed up my stuff at work, leaving with the knowledge that i would be going into hospital on Sunday night to get the cancer cut out monday. Then the phone call that floored me. They were postponing the op for a week. It was a low punch and i'll explain why as you read the blog.
I received help from several people and in return i hope this blog can help someone out there be positive and beat the cancer