Wednesday, 31 December 2008


It has been a great day and one full of energy.

As this year leaves us i am already recovering well from surgery, one small battle over come with many more to take place.

I have had so much help and encouragement from many people i know i don't stand alone and other in the same predicament should look to the strength of those around them and draw on it.

Thank you all and i hope you all have a great 2009 because i know i am going to. Thanks to Caz, Perry and Kali for being here!

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

CT and the dog

I was out with the dog and met up with my friend Dod, who along with his dog, walked with me and it was a great walk. Dod and i met on the doors many many years ago and instantly hit it off, but Dod's that way anyway. Hopefully i can be there to give when he need it, because his presence is greatly appreciated even if he tells bad jokes ; )

Caz was working from 5 am so when she got back she took me up to the hospital for a CT scan. This involves me drinking a lot of water, being given an aniseed type potion, have dye put into my vein and then, whilst lieing down i then pass into a circular machine that i refer to as Stargate.

This will provide a benchmark picture of the tumor before i start, hopefully next week, the chemotherapy treatment.

So i walked the dog again when i got back, my fitness is improving and hopefully the healing will speed up. It is important to get my fitness on the up to have the body strong for the chemo. I know that picture wasn't nice but it was (Tuhon) Bill in New York who said
"Just saw the wound. Ouch! At least it wasn't rectal surgery. The world is not ready for a photo of that wound!"

I'm working my way through series 3 of The Sopranos. It's excellent and i like it because it's set around the families. that is also why i preferred the Shield over some of the other tv shows. It's more real, in touch, even though its a tv show!

Watching the Top Gear drive bikes through Vietnam. Maybe its time that i stop dreaming and start doing the things i'd like to do.

“The first half of life is about ambition when we are striving to ‘get ahead’ and ‘win.’ Here we encounter self-doubt and stress because we are not fulfilling our
dharma, our destiny. In the second half of life, we begin to fulfill our life purpose. Our story is about people moving away from a life of doing what others want and learning how to move into a life of meaning. From ambition to meaning—learn how you can move into the meaning phase of life!”

Sunday, 28 December 2008

The Wound

There's a picture of the wound further down this post. Just to warn you. it's not a pretty sight so i have made it smaller. Click on it to get a really good look! Poor Caz had to change the dressing after a good nightout behind her, but she made it! The middle part is what it could have looked like, nice and neat. The redness is a wetness around what is a clear wound, very little gunge in it. Lovely, i know.

James MacDonald, fresh off the train from Northern Scotland, nipped up to see me today and it was great to see him. Ray popped around as well and we all had a nice chat. James is leaving us to move to Coventry to further his studies at Warwick university. I'll miss him.

Chelsea drew, are we throwing away the league this year on purpose? Thankfully i have recorded last nights UFC to watch and take my mind off that!

I've set up Skype on the mac and also on the mobile. ipatamag is the skype identity so if you have a webcam we can see each other, otherwise its a free call from your computer (download it for free).

I'm down a size in tee shirt now.

Saturday, 27 December 2008


"To be or not to be is not a question of compromise. Either you be or you don't be."

Krishnamurti: Belief only creates resistance, isolation, and where there is isolation, there is no possibility of tranquility. Tranquility comes only when I understand the whole process of myself - the various entities in conflict with each other which compose the 'me'. As that is an arduous task, we turn to others to learn various tricks, which we call meditation. The tricks of the mind are not meditation. Meditation is the beginning of self-knowledge, and without meditation, there is no self-knowledge.

Think & Dream BIG Things

Precision Nutrition sends me info, some of which i adhere to and some of which i take the principles from. I like this:

10 nutrition rules for a better body.

Do you know, specifically, what types of things you have to do to look better, feel better and live healthy? And do you know what types of things you have to avoid?

Seriously, take a moment and think about it.

What do you think it means to “eat well” or “eat healthy” – that is, to eat in a way that will improve the way your body looks, feels and performs.

Come up with that list in your mind right now. I’m serious here, just jot down a few notes on what you think it means to eat healthy.

Now I want you to take a second and think about your list. Specifically, think about where you learned these rules.

Certainly your rules have been influenced by how you were raised, no? What you were told, what "comfort foods" you ate, right?

Of course, no one is immune to media influences – you can’t help but be bombarded by those ads! Your rules have probably also been influenced by what you’ve heard others say.

And, no doubt, your nutrition rules have probably been influenced by your own past attempts at changing your body – whether you’ve been successful or unsuccessful.

I could sit here all day and list potential nutritional influences. But since there are probably hundreds of ‘em, I’ll just go ahead and make my point.

And the point is this: very few of your “Good Nutrition Rules” have been influenced by those who know anything about good nutrition!
And worse yet, most of those rules have been hammered home without you even knowing it.

It’s time to change the rules.

Changing the rules, just like changing your habits, is difficult. Not only does it take a desire to change – the “want to” – it also takes a strategy for change – the “how to”.

Once you change these rules and habits, everything changes – the way you eat, the way you sleep, they way you look, the way you feel when you wake up in the morning, and the way you perform in day-to-day activities or during athletic events.

Three steps of evaluating a strategy for its usefulness.

  1. Simplicity: Are the rules easy to follow?
  2. Science: Are the rules based on sound scientific principles?
  3. Success: Have the rules produced success in others like you?

A system based on those three things is absolutely critical.

Think again about your nutritional rules. Are your rules based on simplicity, science, and success? Have your rules produced the desired effect – a lean, healthy body that you’re able to maintain; a body that you’re happy with when looking in the mirror?

If not, perhaps they could use a re-evaluation.

1) Eat every 2-3 hours - no matter what.

Now, you don’t need to eat a full meal every 2-3 hours, but you do need to eat 6-8 meals and snacks that conform to the other rules below.

2) Eat complete, lean protein each time you eat.

Complete, lean protein generally is food that, well, was an animal or comes from an animal. Things like chicken, beef, fish, dairy, and the like. “Lean” means low fat. So you want stuff with protein, but low fat content (e.g., leaner cuts of meat, low fat dairy, etc.). Are you getting protein in each meal? If not, make the change. Note: If you’re a vegetarian, this rule still applies – just like for the non-vegetarians.

3) Eat vegetables every time you eat.

That’s right, every time you eat (every 2-3 hours, right), in addition to a complete, lean protein source, you need to eat some vegetables. You can toss in a piece of fruit here and there as well. But don’t skip the veggies.

4) If want to eat a carbohydrate that’s not a fruit or a vegetable (this includes things like things rice, pasta, potatoes, etc), you can – but you’ll need to save it until after you’ve exercised.

Yes, these grains are dietary staples in Europe, but remember that heart disease, diabetes and cancer are medical staples in Europe – and there’s a relationship between the two!

To stop heading down the heart disease highway, reward yourself for a good workout with a good carbohydrate meal right after (your body best tolerates these carbohydrates after exercise). For the rest of the day, stick to lean protein and a delicious selection of fruits and veggies.

5) A good percentage of your diet (25-35%) must come from fat. Just be sure it’s the right kind.

There are 3 types of fat – saturated, monounsaturated, and polyunsaturated. Eating all three kinds in a healthy balance can dramatically improve your health, and even help you lose fat.

Your saturated fat should come from your animal products and you can even toss in some butter or coconut oil for cooking. Your monounsaturated fat should come from mixed nuts, olives, and olive oil. And your polyunsaturated fat should from flaxseed oil, fish oil, and mixed nuts.

6) Ditch the calorie containing drinks (including fruit juice).

In fact, all of your drinks should come from non-calorie containing beverages. Fruit juice, alcoholic drinks, and sodas – these are all to be removed from your daily fare. Your absolute best choices are water and green tea.

7) Focus on whole foods.

Most of your dietary intake should come from whole foods. There are a few times where supplement drinks and shakes are useful. But most of the time, you’ll do best with whole, largely unprocessed foods.

8) Have 10% foods.

I know you cringed at a few of the rules above – perhaps #6 in particular. But here’s a bit of a break. 10% of the time, you can eat whatever you want. 100% nutritional discipline is never really needed to completely change your body. (6 meals per day for 7 days of the week – that’s 42 meals. 10% of 42 meals is about 4 meals)

9) Develop food preparation strategies.

The hardest part about eating well is making sure you can follow the 8 rules above consistently. Knowing what to eat is pretty useless if you don’t have the time to make the food.

10) Balance daily food choices with healthy variety.

Let’s face it; during a busy week you’re not going to be spending a ton of time whipping up gourmet meals. So you’re going to need a set of tasty, easy to make foods that you can eat day in and day out. However, once every day or a few times a week – you need to eat something different – something unique. Search the web, ask around, watch the Food Network; come up with some healthy variety.

Its up to you.

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Boxing day

After lovely day, poor caz was up quite a lot through the night as the dog was not well. She hadn't ate a lot but something had upset her tummy. I woke up this am with her lying on the floor snoring beside me, the dog that is.

The nurse arrived and changed my dressings. Caz had to change them yesterday evening as they needed changed. The wound is healing but i'd like to leave it open for an hour just for a change.

I walked the dog, i move with more ease now . Perry eventually got up and Caz went to work. Watching the Chelsea game and chatting with Perry occupied the afternoon and I'm just about to get the tea started. Chelsea won 2-0 where it seemed like they hardly broke sweat.

i have books, films, training dvds and plenty of admin tasks needing attention, but i also need to relax and let things heal before the chemo starts. this can make the days at times lonely.

Shame, C4 continue to court sensationalism with airtime for holocaust deniers. How low. Cheap sensationalism. I recall once talking with an old man who saw one of the camps at the end of the war. For him it was a nightmare that never went away.

As we move away from family time to party time, be careful out there. Hopefully speak to a few of you before the end of the year!

Yule tide

Busy day yesterday. I managed to go into town, meet some people, do some shopping and then get home, walk the dog, prepare tea (ok! heat up what Caz had prepared) and by the end of the night i was shattered. It's nice to have the energy again.

This morning woke up late. We walked the dog and now Caz has gone to work until 6pm. I'll get a taxi to get Perry up here and we can eat and relax later on. Heather came around bearing gifts of freshly baked pastries which look divine!

Whilst today, most people have families around and kids have a multitude of gifts. I feel it important to remember those alone, those in hospital, those without homes and those children at risk. If this is a time of reflection then its a good time to take stock of what is around us.

I was raised Church of England, was confirmed but to me it was uncomfortable. I'm a deeply religious man but not in the orthodox way, i have read deeply into the Buddha and the Bible. i have touched the religions of others and to me, its like the martial arts. Amongst the flowery individuality each has to create its uniqueness, at the core of it all is the truth. That empty circle in the middle is where all meet and yet none are.

Whether you read भगवद् गीता Bhagavad Gita, القرآنThe Qur'an, Siddhārtha Gautama , the New or Old testament, they are all about looking for truth. Yet truth is around us all the time but we are blinded to it because we are trying to fit it into our beliefs. That is conflict and if we want rid of that dis-ease then we must simply be observant of what is around us. At this time of year the season is one of sleep, where things die to be be reborn in the soon to be coming Spring.

So today i think of those who are scared of the fact they have cancer, some of which simply will give in. I see their families who wish they would stay in the fight and the professional healers who care for all the patients they come across, the pets who have lost their masters. But i also see those who wont give in, who turn it around and see their illness through different eyes and use their gift of life to heal themselves.

TheThe Armegeddon Days

Have a great day! Rejoice in what you have around you because that is the true wealth.

Yule was the traditional name for the celebrations around the 25th; the festival lasted for twelve days, which are now the twelve days of Christmas. The origin of the word Yule seems originate from the Anglo Saxon word for sun and light. Most likely regarding the rebirth of the sun from the shortest day. In many places fires or candles were kindled to burn through the twelve days that marked the festivities. Another fire tradition was that of the Yule log, lit from the remains of last years log at sunset on the 25th of December. The Yule log was often of Oak or Ash, and the burned remains of it were thought to guard a home against fire and lightning. The ashes were also sprinkled on the surrounding fields to ensure good luck for the coming years harvest. The largest remaining part of the log was kept safe to kindle next years fire. Fraser in his book 'The Golden Bough' suggests that Midwinter was a major fire festival in ancient times, and it is highly probable that the Yule Log was a remnant of that tradition.

Many of the symbols of Christmas echo its aspect of rebirth and hope in darkness. Holly was thought to be important because it retains its greenery right through the winter months, and as such is a symbol of summer life in the winter starkness. Holly was the male symbol of this greenery, and Ivy was the feminine, the two often placed together as a symbol of fecundity at the dark end of the year. There was also a belief that evergreen plants and trees were refuges for the woodland spirits through the winter months.

The Christmas tree may have also been a symbol of the above aspects, although Whistler in his 'English Festivals' suggests that the tree is a carry over from the Roman festival of Saturnalia, when pine trees were decorated with images of Bacchus. The tradition of setting up a Christmas tree within the home is generally traced back to Prince Albert who started the practice in 1841. Mistletoe is another plant associated with Christmas; sacred to the druids, its importance can be traced back to Celtic times, although the original reason for their significance is now largely forgotten.

The 25th of December was also reputed to be the birthday of the Roman god Mithras and the Greek hero Dionysus. Mithras was known as the unconquered sun, hence his association with the solstice time. Early Christianity adopted the 25th as Christ's birthday around the 3rd or 4th century BC, as the early scriptures do not record the day of Christ's birth. This is generally accepted to have been a way of amalgamating Christmas with the older festival of the sun, which was still being observed by the Pagan community.

Today Christmas has many other associations and traditions dating back through the centuries, and stemming from different cultures and influences. It has always been a time for celebration and merry making at the dark end of the year.

Father Christmas or Santa Claus is based on St Nicholas who is the patron saint of children, canonised after resurrecting three boys after they had been murdered. He was associated with the giving of gifts to the poor and needy, and was widely famed for his generosity. Over the centuries his image became amalgamated with other archetypes to become Father Christmas. The red colour was branded by Coca Cola.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008


The nurse who came and changed my dressing reckons the wound is healing well, yet conservatively reckoned 4 weeks before being able to return to work. She swabbed me to ascertain the level of MRSA, in the nostrils, groin, throat and wound - not with the same swab though!

Ward A was busy so we were kept waiting for over 30 minutes but then got to see the nurse who had called me. It would appear that at some time i was infected with Hepatitus C and there is no way to timeline when it happened. This can lie dormant in your body for up to 20 years before it it is discovered unless you look for it. Screening at Blood Donors will find it, but otherwise it may lie undetected for years.

This HCV has acted like a corrosive virus causing a great deal of Cirrhosis to the liver. They have taken more blood to test specifically for certain parameters but treatment cannot start until the chemo is finished. Treatment could be up to one year and again it's up to each person how they let it affect them. So it is the HCV which has caused the HCC. We are still fighting on two fronts, we just know more about the enemy!

After giving blood, Caz took me to the Subsea7 office so i could visit colleagues - those still there before the holidays - as well as talk with HR. George gave me a lift back and in all its been a busy day, capped off with a walk with the dog. I'll sleep tonight!

Warrior Diet and this are currently my on-line reading after picking up the link online.

Happy Birthday Hamish!Rhea, the youngest of the family sings songs about a strange man bearing gifts! ; )

Monday, 22 December 2008

Mondays sunrise

Before leaving Inverness the phone rang and it was a nurse from the hospital, from Ward A who deal with the Liver. The nurse was wanting me to come in and so i have an appointment tomorrow.

In the brief discussion it came apparent that the virus in my liver is treatable but until i speak with them i won't say anymore. This is a confidence boost to help in the fight. Things are falling into place and it wont be long before the morning's sunrise!

So tomorrow after the nurse comes in to change the dressings, I visit the hospital and then i hope to go upto see my colleagues at Subsea7. Phew! it will be a busy day.

After a nice weekend at Caz's parents, we are back home and i'm watching the Chelsea game where we play everton and the referee. 0-0 but a gripping game but for the bitterness of commentator Craig Burley, who still harbours resentment for not being good enough for Ruuds team and not being picked for the FA cup final.

What are your strengths? What makes you unique or different?

Some of the strongest clues to your strengths are there - among your most unique qualities.

Sunday, 21 December 2008


I have received many mails from people, friends and family of those with cancer, as well as those who have beaten it - in which they mention that the blog has been of great help to them. I'm stepping out of bounds slightly here but hopefully the author wont mind especially since it has so much value and i bless him for making the effort.

This is XXXXXX. I hope you remember-I trained with you several years back and was thinking of starting back a few months ago and so had a look at the amag website. I stumbled across your blog and have been following it regularly ever since. I really wanted and indeed felt compelled to write to you.

As you may remember I was studying in medicine when I was training with you. I am now working as a GP ......... Your mindset and 'self treatment' of your condition is somewhat unique and I have been very impressed by it.

Throughout my training an indeed my day to day work I come across many people with cancer. Everyone has a different reaction/ method of coping. Most people submit there 'fight' to the hands of we doctors. Certainly western medicine has huge amount to offer- effective chemotherapy, surgical, and radiation treatments. However there often other treatment spheres that are not addressed. Partly this is due to our own cultural beliefs in this society and our reliance, often to the exclusion of all else, in science.

I was really interested to read of your sessions with Bob Spour and visiualisation techniques on healing and fighting the cancer. I really do think this has a huge role to play in cancer treatment. We already know that through concetration we can control many processes in our body. For example when peope meditate they are able to slow several things in their body thought to be not normally under conscious control-Their pulse rate, metabolism, and conscious levels. Mind over matter if you like. So if someone can control all these normally subconscious and automated processes then It seems logical that control over cell processes and immune response would also be possible. Indeed I remember Reading some journals some time ago that showed that women with breast cancer who remained positive and hopeful seemed to do better than those who did not. I would think that this positivity may subconsciosly allow the body to heal itself by setting in motion cell processes that would fight against the cancer.

Obviously a far more efficient method would be direct visualization of the 'fight' as you are doing.

I also remember reading of another case that you may find interesting. There was a case in which a patient suffered some form of brain injury that resulted in the neural pathways from his brain to limbs being damaged. The result was that he was unable to walk. He lay in bed for several months and decided that he would make sure he would walk again. Through extreme concentration and visualization he did just that. I think the explanation offered was that his bouts of concentration and visualization allowed him to recruit and create new neural pathways to his limbs. Again this shows the power of a well motivated and focused mind. I know I am already preaching to the converted! and your knowledge in this area no doubt far outstrips mine but I think it is always good to hear of other positive experiences to draw from.

Also- I have started to point some of my cancer patients to your blog and several have commented on how useful and inspiring they have found it. As you say in your post - positivity breeds positivity.

I have also found that reading your blog has made me think and act differently when treating patients with cancer. It is always useful see things from a patient's perspective. I hope you continue your quality posting and I will continue to follow it. If there I anything that you feel I may be able to assist you with please feel free to drop me an e-mail. Best wishes to .......

It has been a quandary of mine which i have mentioned on other posts, whether this is self indulgence or whether this serves a greater purpose. I'm on a journey and I'm learning as I'm on it as i hope those (legionnaires) who follow it are doing so. In the end we will have different ways of looking at it no doubt, but this is no be-lie-f system to jump on. Its reality, its naked truth and how we can deal with our issues, whatever they are, and be responsible for our actions, not a victim of others deliberations. the principles of this can be used whether you feel a cold coming on or have cancer - now referred to as the little c!

If others can find strength from this then it's an exercise worth doing. If Doctors feel that it can assist others in similar conditions, i hope you will pass it on too. Already, as a i said before, i have been given so much information by others who suggest possibilities. Not one will be the whole answer but there might be something that will link to something else that might change the outcome.

Sport is a passion of mine, i watched the cricket this morning on telly as England play in India. However i prefer to participate rather than spectate. This is a concept in life, as many are spectators, wasting time that for me is precious. Whilst i can spectate, i always got more from the act of being involved. If i went to the football on a match day, it was the interaction of the crowd that was of interest to me, which is why i find it boring watching the game on telly. We can't all be the player on the field but we can still be involved in some way.

I may not be the best martial artist in the world but its the doing it that is more important. It is this ethic that is the core of the AMAG, it is inclusive. No-one is perfect but we can still achieve and push the boundaries beyond what the expectations were. The Bruce Lee clip above may be humour, but this was a small guy, one leg shorter than the other with very bad eye sight who was a remarkable athlete. I guess he didn't see himself as 'handicapped'!

Breaking the stereotype, or breaking the illusion means that you can change what others write for your destiny. You have the power!

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Inverness bound

We are having a few days up at Caz's parents in Inverness. I hope Caz can get a bit of restbite as its been tough on her this last few months.

So Siva came round Thursday evening and it was great to see him and have a chat. He had been over to Kuala Lumpa and brought back a nice sarong for both myself and Caz, which we use in our silat classes at times.

Friday morning and I'd slept in a bit when the doorbell rang, the postman with deliveries. I jumped out of bed and nipped down the stairs and only after i took the parcels did i realise what I'd done. The wounds healing has sped up and I'm more mobile! I am walking more and as a result the belly is now not affected with the bloating.

I was hoping to visit the office to see colleagues at work, especially as they were going out for their festive meals and a big night out on whats commonly known as Mad Friday, but the nurse didn't come till 1pm to change the dressings. Still i will see them Tuesday. Perry popped around which was a boost.

The nurse was pleased with the wound, however, there's a bit of inflammation on the right hand side which is uncomfortable. There's MRSA there, but until they swab me on Tuesday they don't know how its affecting me. CT scan date is booked, waiting for the go ahead with the chemo option, we are getting there. I am not having any pain from the liver right now, which is coming down to the care I'm putting in on it. Wheat grass 100ml after porridge, lots of fluid.

I went to the gym at night while the kettlebells was on, but ended up sleeping on the floor. Tired and cold, it was a quiet evening, wrapping presents and watching tv. this morning I'm tired still but it's ok.

I have a Dyna Band that i have started using. not long before i can get on the bike, but the last part of the wound just needs that final step first.
a song for you

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Laughter - lets hope so!

I met old friends for a cup of tea in a local cafe today, Dod and Donald used to work with me years ago in nightclubs and we have many things in common, as many as the things we don't! Whilst i see Dod a lot as we live nearby and walk the dogs together, Donald runs a bar and so i dont get to see him so often. Between us, we could fill a book of stories that would rock the socks off and today the chit chat brought many a smile to our faces.

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

So today is laughter day. Dave Johnstone, a former student of mine, dropped by the other day and left me with some Lee Evans dvd's to watch and while i know Siva will be popping past, the dvd's will get a play tonight.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

i'm told i will receive my CT scan on the 30th of this month, which will mean that the Chemo will start early in January. The wound is healing up better and i even jumped out the bed, ran down the stairs to answer the postmans knock this morning. Then i remembered to take it easy! I'm walking more, now on my own with the dog. I have to be careful that i dont slip, but otherwise i am pushing the distance daily. This is of course making me feel that the healing process is better and that in itself is making it better!

New Madness song:

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Recipe for health

Emotions can fester. The problem with the Liver is related to unresolved Anger. Grief can manifest itself in the lungs for example and the previous posted link to Louise Hay is a good resource to find info on that.

To cut to the quick, as a child i was separated from my parents for most of the year and that was hard on a seven year old and was the case till i was 18. That anger manifested itself into a rebellious teenager that took things to extremes. Through my martial arts i was able to channel the nger elsewhere but it was still eating away at me. It wasn't till i was into my 40's did i realise a lot of this and start to look at it from a different perspective. It is this anger that manifests itself as liver dis-ease.

So i now delve into subjects about healing the liver. I have talked about the greens i take and Wheatgrass, but juicing is also another method of getting the goodness straight to the liver. These are things i have been doing over the years but still the liver got worse. Now, along with these methods i use visualisation.

its like Maths. I have the parts of the equation, i just need to put them into the right order or use the right factors A(B*C(D+E)/F). Again, to use another analogy, its like a recipe. You need to get the ingredients in the right proportions or else it will not taste good.

I guess the question is 'How do i know if i have released myself from the anger'? That's the NLP that Bob does with me and i feel that this could be the ingredient or the part of the equation that has been missing.

New Women's vests in at the club: press here!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008


An old school friend is talking to me about Orgone Blankets later on. I've cast the net out and all sorts of good people are responding with suggestions or encouragement. Yet i heard of someone the other night who refuses to discuss their situation with their nearest and dearest. That self indulgence is submission but in the wrong model, because he is not in peace but in turmoil and as a result all those around him are in turmoil.

Submission to life or whatever you may refer to it as - God maybe - should cease the conflict within and bring peace. Submission is about observation, its not about hiding away. We tend to refer to a new born baby as an innocent so look at what that baby's instinct is when its born, its to gasp for breath, to fight for life. Its not yet conditioned to society, but its basic instinct is pure submission to living.

In JKD and in all martial arts (although 95%+ dont teach it that way), we don't imitate the technique, we become the technique, we become one with the moment, not forcing ourselves on it, but moulding it to our favour so the outcome is something that we can live with. Its the empty cup analogy, where water, a very powerful force will blend to fit its container. the water doesn't disappear, it transforms. If drunk its hydrates the blood allowing red blood cells to move around the body, delivering oxygen to the muscles that keep us alive. Water is very powerful in many different forms.

Bruce Lee Concept Lesson (Jeet Kune Do) Part 1

When my first son, Caillin, died at the age of 10 months, i held his stiff body and recalled his last evening where he had been full of laughter and energy. That energy doesn't disappear, it transforms to something else. Whatever you want to call it, life is energy and it doesn't end, it transforms.

My illness doesn't stop me fighting, gasping for breath, and with the utilities my body has i have the ability to use so many methods to overcome this blip to which many simply give up. Death is part of the cycle and it will come in it's own time, but the tumor isn't death, its a warning signal that has been set off and it's time has been useful but must now go. The liver is in a bad situation and that affects my life functions, but thanks to the tumor we now see that and can repair the liver through many routes. There's no blame, there's no remorse, there's submission and there is a path that will take me out of this situation, despite its precarious path.

I spent two days writing a personal history going into the anger within me that fed the liver dis-ease. I deleted it, as I'm very private beyond my public front and i didn't think it was right. This blog is therapeutic but its also an infants gasp for life, and because i reached out there are those around with hands to assist. Without letting people know they wouldn't be able to help. Furthermore, because i'm in that state it encourages the right environment around me.

Caz is on night shift so im walking around on egg shells trying to keep the noise down. I dont know if the nurse is coming today to change the wound dressing but i need more medication and i'm yet to hear about the funding situation with BUPA. Guess i better get on the phone and start presing the right buttons!

=== - Daily Quote ===

True Religion

Do you know what religion is? It is not the chant, it is not in the performance of puja, or any other ritual, it is not in the worship of tin gods or stone images, it is not in the temples and churches, it is not in the reading of the Bible or the Gita, it is not in the repeating of a sacred name or in the following of some other superstition invented by men. None of this is religion.

Religion is the feeling of goodness, that love which is like the river, living, moving everlastingly. In that state you will find there comes a moment when there is no longer any search at all; and this ending of search is the beginning of something totally different.

The search for God, for truth, the feeling of being completely good - not the cultivation of goodness, of humility, but the seeking out of something beyond the inventions and tricks of the mind, which means having a feeling for that something, living in it, being it - that is true religion.

But you can do that only when you leave the pool you have dug for yourself and go out into the river of life. Then life has an astonishing way of taking care of you, because then there is no taking care on your part. Life carries you where it will because you are part of itself; then there is no problem of security, of what people say or don't say, and that is the beauty of life.

The Book of Life - December 16

Monday, 15 December 2008


I receive mails at time from people reading this blog from around the world. The recent mail i got came from someone in Coventry who i met briefly in London at Guro Inosanto's seminar.

Pardeep was a friend and training partner of Pindi, who is the son of Lucky
Madahar and our common denominator is Bob Spour amongst others.

Pardeep wrote to the kaliwarrior email telling me about the effects of wheatgrass on tumors. Now i already use the Lightforce
Advanced High Energy Greens, a unique combination of 48 alkalizing organic and wild grasses, herbs, and vegetables designed to restore and balance proper pH levels in the body. this really makes a difference.

The unique properties of manuka honey can help heal a huge range of conditions from stomach ulcers to infections, as well as increasing your energy levels and general well-being.

I walked the dog along with caz for a mile and a half yesterday, before the frustrating draw against West Ham, dozing most of the evening as a result. Caz put up festive lights that makes the house more cosy.

the nurse has changed the dressings and is very happy with the improvement of the wound. No word yet from BUPA whether they will fund the chemotherapy option but i'm confident that will come.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Winning mentality

I got down to the gym and saw Chris and the crew off to the Fight night in Paisley. To just get down there was a big moment.

At 9.30pm i got the call that Chris won his fight! Chris started off like any young guy who walks through the doors at any martial arts club. Now he steps up and competes and through the environment he is in, he knows he can achieve. I guess we all need to create the environment that will bring the best out of us.

Whatever your fight its important to surround yourself with examples, role models and visualise where you want to go. get the winning mentality!

Friday, 12 December 2008

Friday's endeavours

My Blogs dates are out of order. Wednesday's post somehow configured itself to Tuesday, Thursday to Wednesday. Today is Friday, hmmm?

I walked up to Asda today. it was freezing. That's the first walk since being released from hospital. Kali came with me and was so pleased to be out with me she pulled a bit in order to play, but soon understood she had to calm down.

Ray will pick me up tomorrow and take me down to watch the Phase 1 class at the gym. Every journey stats with the first step! I'll be able to see Chris before he goes off to fight in Paisley.

I may have cancer but cancer doesn't have me!

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Clinic D

So off to the hospital we went, Caz and I, to Clinic D. I was weighed (fully clothed 99kg and its cold out) and my height measured. The Dr called us into a small room and started chatting. Straight away she was great, upfront, treating you as a human being and engaged me with positivity.

There are several options of Chemotherapy and so
far it looks like we will take the route of Sorafenib, a small red oral pill with better results in recent SHARP studies. This is available through the health insurance i have through my work, but not automatic on the NHS.

The other route would be Doxorubicin which is applied intravenously. The Dr was happy that we had the Sorafenib option and happiness is infectious!

So the plan is:
  1. Baseline CT scan to measure the tumor today
  2. Blood tests prior to treatment
  3. Start when wound healed, in the new year.

I will be able to continue to work whilst on the treatment AND i will be able to train as well!

The wound is feeling good, i am able to move more and last night i even got to sleep on my side for a part of the night! That was great!

Yesterday after the Paulson's departed i had Perry wake me up, followed by a visit by Wendy. Today, Scott Presley came around for a visit, so a nice early afternoon chat. Nice picture of Bill who is covering my Monday night Thai class. Him and Scott will be looking after Chris Moir on Saturday when he fights in Paisley. Go! boys Go!

What is true of me is true of everyone. We are all learning to look within ourselves to find the wisdom to live harmoniously.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Good Samaritans

There are some people who are always willing to offer their help should i ask for it, even when they don't know what it could be. Some of the people who do this are the guys who already have done more than i can ever ask. Some of these guys have given me the core skills to face whatever life throws at me and manage situation like i find myself in now.

Sometimes what was given or offered i didn't appreciate at the time and i learn either with hindsight but also from dealing with my own students, who mirror the situation.

I don't need to list names because they will know that i'm talking about them. After this, if i haven't already demonstrated that faith you once put in me, I will hope you can see it in the many years to come.

Erik and Tonya stopped by before heading off to Ayr. Good friends that are always welcome.
If you get the chance go and train! Scotland and England tour:
December 8th-Edinburgh- Rick Young
December 9th-Aberdeen-Pat Davies
December 10th-Ayr-Andy Callaghhan
December 11th-Wigan-Melvyn Corrigan
December 12th-Dudley Birmingham- Paul Kelly
December 13th-Coventry-Lucky and Pindi
December 14th-Northampton- Ewen Campbell
December 15th-London-Matt and James
December 16th-Plymouth-Tom Barlow
December 17th-Weymouth-Mo Teague

CoQ10 - I might start using this as a supplement that Erik gave the heads up on, as well as the Grapefruit Seed Extract. I'm stopping the Milk Thistle for a couple of days to see the reaction with the liver, as since i started using it after the operation the liver has been agitated, or maybe the wound is healing better that i feel the liver more.

After Mondays shock of being sent to the hospital, today the nurse is very pleased with the wound. They still reckon it will need up to xmas though to heal.Tomorrow i meet with the specialist who will outline her vision of upcoming treatment.

Remember yesterdays gone, today is here and what you do today sets the direction for tomorrow!

I dwell in a world of love and acceptance.

Paulsonator Day

Erik and Tonya are due in and i'm buzzing. tried to sleep this morning and got an hour. Nurse changed the dressing and i've taken vitamins to try and aid the healing as the liver being underpower is slowing the healing.

So Erik and tonya came around and we had a nice afternoon. This came after a visit from Kenny, my line manager at Subsea7 which was good.

We ate, we talked, we laughed, we watched erik's new dvd, and it was a great visit that really raised my spirits. I will miss tonight's seminar but will see the video later. Thanks guys!

ive started feeling my liver, if i jolt the body i thought it was bruised ribs but it must be an inflamed liver. It's letting me know it is still there- don't worry i wont forget you buddy! You are very important to me!

Monday, 8 December 2008

Monday morning nightmare

Was sent to the hospital, do not pass GO! nor collect £200 by the district nurse who was concerned with my wound opening. She had changed the dressing and then suddenly she's wanting me to go to hospital so that was a bit of a shock.

The hospital it was then and a surgeon came and looked at the wound, he was satisfied with it but then it transpired that the Nurse had said i had MRSA. The surgeon went to speak with the Infection Lab and they have advised to stop the antibiotics i was taking as the wound is healthy but the body's natural defense to MRSA was being affected by them. So i guess no more indegestion which was a sympton of the medicine.

So im back home, exhausted. the wound is healing slowly but well enough, but it will most likely mean that the chemotherapy will have to wait, which means i have extra time to work on the liver being fit and strong!

Yesterday i had been tired after an excellent Saturday and spent most of the day snoring away. Tomorrow will be a good day!

Saturday, 6 December 2008

When Saturday Comes

Good day today.
the nurse came early and changed the dressings. The wound may yet open up 75% but its healing from inside well. Just kills my topless modeling career stone dead. Watching Jimmy Carr on telly last night didn't help as it was quite literally splitting my sides with laughter!

Any of you on gmail or mac dot com can talk with me over the video cam and i have regular chit chats with Billy Hosie in Sydney and Rey Diogo in LA. Bob Spour is joining in with the fun and he regularly contacts me to keep my mind in the right frame. Thanks Bob!

Tony and Angie came past and spent the afternoon chatting. Neighbours dropped in and took Kali for a walk. Chelsea won in a fantastic game against Bolton. It's only 5pm!

Erik Paulson in a couple of days!

- Watch more amazing videos here

Friday, 5 December 2008

Yesterday was a bad day. It came after a high on Wednesday where i felt lively. Yesterday i was bloated, a side effect of the drugs, and this puts pressure on the wound. This has now started to open and so the nurse is putting care that no infection gets in. I hardly moved around yesterday.

I had a visit from Heather(AMAG) and George Scott (Subsea7) which made me pull myself up a bit and that helped. Poor Caz had a full day, from tidying the house to going to covering reception at the gym and teaching. In amongst this i felt a bit of a useless lump and depression set in.

I've refocussed today and await the nurse to change my dressings. I'm going to work some pilates later on. Caz's mum and gran have come through and have taken Kali out for a walk.

Peter, a brown belt in BJJ and runs the Jitsudo club through AMAG, told me about Largarto a BJJ black belt who had chemo and then went and won Gold in a competition in Brazil. These are role models that endure the therapy.

When the Dr came in on Wednesday, we discussed my liver and where i said the chemo will look after the tumor but the strength of the liver is the focus of my attention. She said that the chemo will be hard on me, to which i replied that it might be hard on other people but it wont be for me. Her attitude changed and started talking to me with a much more positive attitude. Positivity attracts positivity, there may be down days but you can always pick yourself up.

The gym will be graced with a new logo mat at reception this weekend and Kali gave it her seal of approval. I also include the is photo of Bob Spour with slippers on at the recent seminar! Made me laugh!

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Wednesday's woes

The wound has opened a bit so I'm on anti-biotics. We are keeping the mst going for the time being till the wound heals but i'll be glad when thats stopped as i dislike drowsiness.

No word from the hospital yet as for the next appointment and clarification of the next step, but that will come.

I look forward to seeing Erik and Tanya Paulson next week.

My thoughts help me create the perfect working environment.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

I have my Art

For those of you who read this and are surprised by the martial art content, let me take you to an article by a friend and someone i have learnt more than he knows from, Marc Denny. The Article talks about when someone killed themselves, giving in to the pressure or stress of life.

What we have at AMAG is a selection of martial arts that are not eclectic but that have a synergy. You see, arts really only differ due to their environment and that also includes rules. Some therefore are combat related arts, some are sport related. Each has its own set of 'clothes' in that they like to dress themselves up to look different but, at the core of this, all the arts are the same.

where all the arts' circles meet is where Truth is, for it exists in all

i have the empty inner circle in my school badge, because that's you. that's you who has to bring them all together. I refer to this as Jeet Kune Do, the art identified with Bruce Lee and Dan Inosanto.

So when there is a problem in developing myself in one art i can train in another art and can still deal with that issue but look at it from a fresh perspective. I recall trying to get students in 1992 to learn some Jun Fan trapping and they couldnt get it, so i spent three months teaching them stickwork and when we went back to the trapping they could do it.

When i have the issue of little c (as i called it a few posts back) then i do the same in that i look at it from a different perspective. i dont stay with one authority as theres a lot of dressing up done to make them "individual", most of which is bs. What they all tell you, when you look through the different authorities, is that your attitude is the number one factor.

So you have your art, you are never alone.

The District Nurse took out the staples today. On the right side of the 17.5" scar it hasn't fully bonded and its very ticklish right now. She comes back tomorrow and will bring the GP who will decide what to do with the painkillers. Whilst i know its easing the pain, the doped up feel from the morphine is not a welcome guest. Still no news about the time of my appointment with the specialist.

Caz's friend Susan gets buried today. I would like to be there but it's not to be. She pushed the timeline longer than they gave her and enjoyed her final year with her familly.

My son came round with his 20 year old chaos and i expect to see his children growing up around me in years to come. My timeline is for years to come yet.

Monday, 1 December 2008

Visualise don't sympathise

If you are new to the blog maybe you haven't read about the previous posts where i visualise where i am going to be in Spring. Take a look through because it's important as to know what to say to me or to anyone else in this situation.

An old friend calls up and says he's sorry. I know he's trying to sympathise but it's not what i need. I don't need sympathy, there are hospital wards and pubs full of people who want that. You are not to blame and the process of blame is a distraction - a waste of energy - on what is the most important, getting back to the quality of life i will achieve.

I don't know about the treatment yet to happen, but when someone tells me their pal got really sick then its time to hit the DELETE button. I'm not your pal, I'm not any ones statistic and i know that the chemo will fry the tumor, so I'm focused on the image of being fit and strong so that i can cope with it. I see my liver being healthy.

Two phone calls, one where Bob tells me to see myself daily as the person in full health. Another where someone feels it difficult to know what to say but sorry. I appreciate both calls but the first one does me good, the second i DELETE. So if you know someone with an issue, keep their mind in the frame where they see themselves as strong. Ring again mate, be at ease!

Words are a weapon that can construct and destruct.

Its been a boring day in that i can not move around a lot - staples come out tomorrow - and i am trying not to be too doped up. Its cold outside and reading is difficult with the morphine in me. So with all the things i want to do, little is done. I'm going to spend a little while thinking of the time when i did something great and then I'm going to see myself today as that person. Not as a sick grumpy auld bugger!

Remember i said my ankles were bloated, they aren't anymore! I can see the shin bone sharp again. I'm visualising when i was at Camp 3 years or so ago in LA with Tim Harding holding the focus mitts, and i had a ripped groin still repairing, but i smashed those pads in front of Guros video camera that Tim said it was the first time in years he'd been lifted off his feet by the power.

Thats where i see myself and to that state i will return. How do you see yourself?
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