Wednesday, 29 July 2009


After a couple of weeks with out Sorafenib, primarily due to my inability to keep a check on stocks coinciding with the holiday season, I'm now back on the two tabs a day routine and it's taking it's toll.

I'm starting to forget things again and sleep more. Even after the mistake of running out of Sorafenib, I've now run out of the other drugs but should get the repeat prescription today or tomorrow.

Whilst being off the Sorafenib I have bloated up with fluid retention which has been disconcerting as it makes me feel lethargic. I sit now at 87.5kgs.

I had a poor sleep last night interrupted by vivid dreams. During the time on morphine I'd had a horrible dream where i was involved in a nasty situation and last night that came back to me. So much so that i was trying to work out this morning when i first awoke whether it was a real event or not. It wasn't but such was the confusion I wasn't sure. As i kept slipping back into sleep the horror of the dreamstate dragged me into uncomfortable places.

So my head was foggy this morning but the cure was on hand. The Triumph roared without hesitation and the ride to the office was exhilarating and blew the cobwebs away. Now to play with my invisible iPhone! - Daily Quote

Do it, and you will see

Questioner: Sir, if there is no effort, if there is no method, then any transition into the state of awareness, any shift into a new dimension must be a completely random accident, and therefore unaffected by anything you might say on the subject.

Krishnamurti: Ah, no, sir! I didn't say that. [Laughter] I said one has to be aware. By being aware, one discovers how one is conditioned. By being aware, I know I am conditioned - as a Hindu, as a Buddhist, as a Christian; I am conditioned as a nationalist: British, German, Russian, Indian, American, Chinese - I am conditioned. We never tackle that. That's the garbage we are, and we hope something marvellous will grow out of it, but I am afraid it is not possible. Being aware doesn't mean a chance happening, something irresponsible and vague. If one understands the implications of awareness, one's body not only becomes highly sensitive, but the whole entity is activated; there is a new energy given to it. Do it, and you will see. Don't sit on the bank and speculate about the river; jump in and follow the current of this awareness, and you will find out for yourself how extraordinarily limited our thoughts, our feelings, and our ideas are. Our projections of gods, saviours, and Masters - all that becomes so obvious, so infantile.

The Collected Works, Vol. XV - 138

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Reframing my outlook

I'm reframing my outlook. With the converstaion and feedback on the considered opinion of the NHS' finest, i have to reset what i saw as the defined path. It was a mistake to presume in the first place.

I'm now getting up early, reconditioning my body to early mornings. I will build this up in order to map a path back to full time work. Alongside this I will increase my fitness regime which, whilst it will at first tire me, will give me greater endurance later on. At the moment though I'm having to sleep for an hour and a bit in the afternoon!

This flexibility to reset the way we view ourselves or our predicaments is one of the strengths of human nature. We do not have to be tied to dogma. We can be flexible even if determined.

Frank Forencich: "When individual human bodies become healthier, they also become more creative and make better decisions. They engage with the world and with their communities. They create better solutions and increase the general welfare. Physical happiness is thus essential to a sustainable future. When we change our bodies, we change the world"

Speaking of examples of health, here's a clip of the Pogues at the recent Madstock!

Monday, 20 July 2009

An Elite Group!

Just back from my appointment with the good Dr. I asked what the conclusion was with the meeting after my last set of results came out.

I explained that it's hard to understand what they are contemplating in my future treatment and asked if the discussion about Transplant had been raised.

Whilst transplant is an end possibility, they apparently feel that the current course of medication is the considered best option. there are breakthroughs happening in the battle against situations like mine which may yet make a further impact.

As I am within a new developing and select type of patient - that is one who is very healthy but has a chronic liver situation complicated by the tumour - the book has not been written yet and they are learning and finding treatments that the members of that group are responding too which didn't happen with the previous 'type' of patient.

So it does seem that the course of treatment is the considered best treatment and whilst the drugs may change as we go along, which is considered likely, Transplant is not considered best option at the current time.

So now I have to reset my visualisations and re consider what I am aiming to attain in my life.

"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies." - Daily Quote Following every thought, every feeling

If you sit on the bank of a river after a storm, you see the stream going by, carrying a great deal of debris. Similarly, you have to watch the movement of yourself - following every thought, every feeling, every intention, every motive - just watch it. That watching is also listening; it is being aware with your eyes, with your ears, with your insight, of all the values that human beings have created, and by which you are conditioned, and it is only this state of total awareness that will end
all seeking.

The Collected Works, Vol. XV - 242

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Wings of a Dove

Jerry Dammers performs an excellent set

Waking up in London on Friday morning was not a pleasant experience this time. I felt sick and tired. Today was a day I'd decided to attend when recovering from surgery and Caz and I had travelled the day before. We'd gone down to Carnaby St and met up for something to eat with Julie, Cazs lifetime friend. By the time we had returned to the hotel it was late and with the travelling throughout the day, I was tired out.
Caz and Julie

So after a lazy morning, we headed off on our trip to Victoria Park for Madstock. getting there, I'd started to recover my strength and the first band we saw were The Aggrolites where we met up with friends. From their set we went and watched Jerry Dammers and his Spatial AKA Ensemble which was excellent. I switched back to see Gregory Isaacs who was a bit disappointing and I now wished I'd seen the Blockheads instead.

It had started to rain and the downpour was quite heavy, stopping when The Pogues came on which never fails to impress. in between Ska classics were played

The build up was now at fever pitch and at 9pm on came Madness to perform an excellent set which included some old time hits and the lates from their excellent Norton Folgate album. By 11pm, we were heading back to the hotel in an ecstatic mood amongst a crowd of average age mid 30 - 40's. Close crops, Fred Perry's and Doctor Martins still evident in abundance.

Madness - Wings of a Dove lyrics - Daily Quote
The Collected Works, Vol. XV - 243

A clarity that is not induced

When there is inward awareness of every activity of your mind and your body, when you are aware of your thoughts, of your feelings, both secret and open, conscious and unconscious, then out of this awareness there comes a clarity that is not induced, not put together by the mind. And without that clarity you may do what you will, you may search the heavens and the earth and the deeps, but you will never find out what is true.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Sore legs

Ray, Aberdeen's Mr Kettlebell

Oh that familiar feeling of sore legs, stiffened up so you creak to pick something off the floor, reminds me that i was throwing kettlebells around on Saturday.

I found that during the week before, when i was doing a set of 20 swings, I was losing the discipline of clenching the buttocks and squeezing the abs. So on Saturday i decided to do less but with more intensity. Build the foundations strong!

I went beynd my small number as the discipline was good and i threw in some one handed -alternative - swings to finish off with. I'll have to do some today to get rid of the pain and keep it regular. I seem to be beyond the cramping problems now though [touch wood] and seem to have added a kilo in muscle mass. Diet is good, hydration is good. Everyone tells me i'm looking healthy. I have suppressed the rash from developing further.

"A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push."

Here's the video of the banding i underwent a few months back. You'll see the rubber bands on the varices. I cringe with the memory of the pain! Be warned....

Funny Quote of the Day - Timothy Leary - "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

Friday, 10 July 2009

The rash returns

The rash is reappearing and i'm on it as quickly as i can. Im drinking water and moisturising to stop the itch that agitates it.

Arianna Huffington: "The fastest way to break the cycle of perfectionism and become fearless… is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly - indeed to embrace uncertainty and imperfection."

Thursday, 9 July 2009


This article is worth a read, about a girl who contracted HVC as a child. Some of her symptoms are the symptoms i have experienced. So young...What are you feeling depressed about? - Daily Quote: The grief of self-centered sorrow

How little attention we pay to things about us, to observe and to consider. We are so self-centered, so occupied with our worries, with our own benefits, we have no time to observe and understand. This occupation makes our mind dull and weary, frustrated and sorrowful, and from sorrow we want to escape. As long as the self is active there must be weary dullness and frustration. People are caught in a mad race, in the grief of self-centered sorrow. This sorrow is deep thoughtlessness. The thoughtful, the watchful are free from sorrow.

Letters to a Young Friend - 24

The more we refuse to buy into our inner critics - and our external ones too - the easier it will get to have confidence in our choices, and to feel comfortable with who we are.

We need to accept that we won't always make the right decisions, that we'll screw up royally sometimes - understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it's part of success.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

I'm a wealthy man

Picture by Victor Gendrano Jr

Most people consider wealth in terms of commodities or binary figures on a bank statement. Wealth for me is much much more than that and is about the richness in my life.

Whilst in London, I got the opportunity to speak with one of the most prolific martial arts instructors in the UK. We talked about our schools, our training, our personal circumstances and our choices that make us wealthy, not just in monetary terms. At the end of this the comment was made, quite genuinely that he was sorry about my health situation. I cut him short at this point and insisted there was nothing to be sorry for.

There is no contact or terms and conditions at conception, so our lives are not mapped out. What has happened in this illness is that I will come out of is a deeper appreciation for what I have, whether it be the ones I love or the depth of friendships i have made. It's far too easy for us to get caught up in the stresses of life and to ignore what we really have.

I have sacrificed times with Caz or my son Perry to do things that I was deluded into thinking I needed to do. That time cannot be regained, its gone. But now i can wallow in their riches and love and appreciate what i really do have.

That makes me a very wealthy man.

The Madstock tickets have arrived! With all the time at home I have been able to listen to my music and discover other genres that I hadn't heard before. The deep thud of Dub or reggae has boomed out of open windows into the garden on many a day. The Ska tunes have picked me up and the jazz has let my mind relax and wander.

Still doing the stairs at work, press ups in the morning and kettle bell swings in the evening. I can feel the momentum.......

Monday, 6 July 2009

Travelling Around

After a restful and well earned time out session in Estapona, we returned relaxed and energised. I had a Thursday lunch with George Scott, a manager of mine on and off for the last 13 years, who was leaving the company due to the current redundancies taking place. Without his influence i would have left that company several years ago, but he was instrumental in changing my career and getting the best out of me.
The Houses of Parliament
Friday we headed off to London. This weekend had been pencilled in for Guro Dan Inosanto, but he'd been cancelled for various reasons. Our flights and hotel were non refundable so Caz and I went down anyway.

We saw Bob Breen on the Friday night before having a nice meal in Hoxton. Saturday morning saw us head off to the London Eye and take in the view across London. A great experience if you have never done it, but get there early!
Eye Eye
We then went around Covent Garden which was quite hard to get to as the Gay Pride Celebration was on and many streets through Soho were closed off. London was busy with this event and the Blur concert and the Take That event.

We escaped the shopping crush and returned to Bob Breens Academy to see Rick Young and Terry Barnett and those participating in the training. It was good to speak with Rick and I'll comment in the post tomorrow over something we talked about. That night we returned to Covent Garden to eat and in the open air we enjoyed Italian food. My shins had cramped up during the day but i had no cramps at night happily.

"Greatly begin. Though thou have time, but for a line, be that sublime. Not failure, but low aim is crime." Russell Lowell

Sunday we went to Camden Market and took in the alternative shopping and lifestyles that bring so much richness to life in general. Its been a long time since i'd been there, hopefully the next one will be on a quieter day! Soon we headed to Heathrow - Terminal 5 is a great terminal - and got home 10pm at night. Exhausted!

I found this photo of two guys wearing Crocs in Gibraltar. As a long time advocate against the wearing of these I use this photo to show the absurdity of them! Great for kids but a No No for adults.

=== - Daily Quote ===

Perception brings its own action

To see what is, is really quite arduous. How does one clearly observe? A river when it meets an obstruction is never still; the river breaks down an obstruction by its weight or goes over it or works its way under it or around it; the river is never still; it cannot but act. It revolts, if we can so put it, intelligently. One must revolt intelligently and accept what is intelligently.

To perceive what is there must be the spirit of intelligent revolt. Not to mistake a stump needs a certain intelligence; but generally one is so eager to get what one wants, that one dashes against the obstacle; either one breaks oneself against it or one exhausts oneself in the struggle against it. To see the rope as the rope needs no courage, but to mistake the rope for a snake and then to observe needs courage. One must doubt, ever search, see the false as the false.

One gets power to see clearly through the intensity of attention; you will see it will come. One has to act; the river is never
not-acting, it is ever active. One must be in a state of negation, to act; this very negation brings its own positive action. I think the problem is to see clearly, then that very perception brings its own action. When there is elasticity there is no question of right and wrong.

One must be very clear within oneself. Then I assure you everything will come right; be clear and you will see that things will shape themselves right without your doing anything about it. The right is not what one desires.

There must be complete revolution, not only in great things, but in little everyday things.

Letters to a Young Friend - 10
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