A good week

Its been a good week energy wise. Ive been fairly buoyant with only an odd evening being shattered. My weight is steady at 87.5kg this week at wake up, although it was at 87.1 this am. Usually in the afternoon I'm up at 88.5kg. I don't feel bad for it.

I saw the doctor on Friday and got the MST removed. The MST was giving a false sense of security so i could hurt myself if i lifted something to heavy for the wound internal recovery. I start tomorrow on Dihydrocodeine, which should stop bad pain but allow me to know my limits. Hopefully this will run down to no pain killers soon.

Wales lost in a cracking matchagainst the French, Chelsea take second place in the league after beating Wigan. In the meantime ive updated the AMAG website!

Have a GREAT weekend! Happy Birthday Wendy!

Horizon

Sunday Monday and Tuesday has seen increased energy levels. I have started protein drinks mid afternoon. It's the 2 hour period where i have to take the tablets on an empty stomach and then not eat for an hour which cause problems. Around that time i can feel nautious, but using the proteins seems to have changed that. It has been very nice weather wise which also lifts the soul!

Bob phoned me in an excited state as he caught the Horizon programme and it was talking about a woman on chemotherapy who had improved results for feeding the dose at 4am when the body is at its deepest sleep for her pattern. I have the recorder going now so i can catch up on it in more detail.

Horizon
The Secret Life of Your Bodyclock Insight into the workings of the body's biological clock and how it affects virtually every aspect of daily life, revealing why heart attacks are most likely to occur at eight o'clock in the morning and shedding new light on the vexed question of what makes teenagers so reluctant to rise and shine

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

The what is is what you are, not what you would like to be.

The 'what is' is what you are, not what you would like to be; it is not the ideal because the ideal is fictitious, but it is actually what you are doing, thinking, and feeling from moment to moment. What is is the actual, and to understand the actual requires awareness, a very alert, swift mind.

Exceptional standards

I took the gradings today and the standard was exceptional. These guys will move into the greater array of classes. These guys walked in without any experience about 3 or so months ago and started and have the foundations to build on. I get so much satisfaction from this. Its another generation of which some will make their mark on the club on a whole.

Its good to see Ray's efforts as the phase 1 lead produce results and now with Scott (pictured) and Chris ready to take on the reigns, we really see growth, people learning, achieving. It's all positive in a world the cloaks itself in negativity.


I started taking a meal replacement protein drink during the day and have noticed an immediate improvement. Both Saturday and Sunday have seen better endurance. I'm just back from a walk after the gradings where i met someone with three boxers! Walking with a Tribe of Boxers is a great feeling!

Chelsea won, closing in on Liverpool. The UFC was a disappointing show... it happens.

Rollercoaster

When you're up there is always a down. Thursday night was terrible after a terrific day. I will also go and buy some acidopholis which should soothe the stomach with all the pills I'm popping.

I must start writing down all the side effects or incidents, some of which you wouldn't want to know about! Caz's parents popped through on Friday evening which led to a pleasant evening.

Today will see me take the 12 noon class, preparing the Phase 1 students for their testing tomorrow.

Chelsea travel to Villa, Villa have broken into the top 4 and are sitting two points above us. I do think their bubble's burst though and expect to come away with 3 points.

Tonight though is the UFC from London.

• Lightweight bout: Diego Sanchez vs. Joe Stevenson
• Welterweight bout: Dan Hardy vs. Rory Markham
• Middleweight bout: Nate Marquardt vs. Wilson Gouveia
• Middleweight bout: Demian Maia vs. Chael Sonnen
• Welterweight bout: Josh Koscheck vs. Paulo Thiago

Preliminary card

• Lightweight bout: Brian Cobb vs. Terry Etim
• Heavyweight bout: Junior dos Santos vs. Stefan Struve
• Heavyweight bout: Mike Ciesnolevicz vs. Neil Grove
• Lightweight bout: Per Eklund vs. Evan Dunham
• Welterweight bout: Troy Mandaloniz vs. Paul Kelly

Feeling good

Went to see the Dr today to check everything is going well. I have none of the usual side effects - said I wouldn't didn't I? The only thing i seem to get is a 'wooziness' which got quite extreme on Tuesday night when David's face suddenly looked like Donald Duck's!

Slight rewind of the tape to Tuesday afternoon where i wake up at about 3.45pm, feeling very groggy. Three days of sleeping 2/3rds of the day was my body's reaction to fighting a cold bug or something like that. I struggled out of bed and took Kali for a walk in lovely sunshine. Kali played with another boxer and i returned home revitalised.

I went down to teach class, only intending to teach one but managed the two, participating in the second Filipino Martial Arts, working the stick and dagger. It was a busy night and i was happy to get home and get a hot bath.

Wednesday saw me arise and decide not to expect to slumber, taking off to the Medical practice to pick up forms they had filled in. From there i went straight off to work to say hello, hand in Doctors papers, take in lunch and generally getting to see friends and colleagues. I did some shopping before returning home and walking in the drizzle about 3.5 miles. I was shattered at the end of the night.

Today i was up and feeling revitalised. I weigh myself twice a day on the same spot in the bathroom. This morning's getting up weight saw me at 88.7kg, with the weight in the afternoon usually sitting around 91.5. Everyone comments on how well i look!

It looks like i will commence working from home for 10 hours to begin with as from next week. This will mainly be writing documents such as User Guides for Applications we use in the company.

Perry is on a Princes Trust course right now and has been up in the Cairngorm's abseiling, canoeing, skiing etc, so it will be good to see him this weekend. The UFC is also on this weekend, yet i haven't payed attention to it as yet. Sunday i will conduct a grading for our beginning students.

Anyone on Twitter send me a tweet!

Sleeping beauty

The last three days have been spent in slumber. I awake early and take my two Sorafenib an hour before i can eat as this reduces the risk of developing an itch which is a recorded side effect. After an hour i get up and eat something whilst taking the other pills. No itch seen at all.

Sunday, Monday and today has then seen me go back to be with a bad headache, which i am hoping is more about my body fighting the cold rather than it being a side effect. Caz hasn't been 100% either.

On Sunday i walked the dog near Aberdeen beach and walked over Broadhill. I slipped on the step down and landed with a jolt, but didn't seem to have any effects, but with morphine in my body i guess i didn't feel it. I feel a bit bruised and my back has been slightly uncomfortable, so gentle stretches are being used to release it.

Sunday's blues

Not a great day, spending the morning in bed and I'm really sluggish. I taught a class with 30 in it yesterday and it was great, walked the dog, watched the footie and rugby, had a nice meal but was exhausted by the end of it.

My weight is now 90.5kg. Some of that is the tablets removing the water causing the bloating. I started at over 100kg pre-surgery. I'm OK usually during the day with the tablets, but at night i feel nauseous.

Heavy drinkers are receiving nearly one in four of the UK's liver transplants, it was revealed last night, igniting a furious row about the ethics of allocating organs to people with alcohol problems. Figures show that transplants for heavy drinkers have risen by more than 60% in the past decade, while waiting lists have lengthened. In December 1997, 180 people in the UK were awaiting a liver transplant, compared with 325 in the same month last year. The Observer, Sunday 15 February 2009

This joke was sent to me. I am useless with jokes. I don't think i visualise them so i dont tell them well. This one though i would tell whilst working the doors back in 94!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

St Valentines Day Massacre

St Valentines Day Massacre

Watford v Chelsea
Wales v England

The pills at night make me nauseous but not during the day. I see it more as the body getting used to it. I take two Sorafenib twice a day, 5mg MST twice a day, one Lamivudine to keep the liver resilient and one Spironolactone to reduce the bloating.


Found this copy of a 2005 picture of the Instructors under Guro Inosanto. I'm far left as you look at it. Trying to get a better quality version.

Here we go!

Here we go! They are here!its been a long wait to get this far but now its time to get popping!

Kali, in celebration, went and dug up a bone and chewed it in the sun.

Thursday will be Red Pill Day

View between Kilbeg and Advasar, Skye. August 2008

So the phone call has come in, I'm to pick up the Sorafenib tomorrow! It's all go!

Taught the Jun Fan class and then the FMA last night. First time i have participated in class since September and worked knife disarms and stick and knife as well! What a buzz! Now to get myself upto speed for the Tuhon McGrath visit in April!

The snow is still thick, but what was forecast a bad day with heavy showers has been swamped with glorious sunshine. Even though the thaw has begun, its still thick with snow and Kali loves playing in it.

The Liver Doctor

It was -8.5c when we set off to the hospital. I had to use the scraper on the inside of the car!

The Liver doctor was a good visit. We talked about the liver and what i would take during the treatment with the Sorafenib. He explained that certain mixes would simply destroy the immune system and it would do more harm. I'm also to be checked for severe internal bleeding from ruptured varicose veins in the oesophagus. I will start taking water tablets (diuretics) for the treatment of fluid retention in the legs (oedema) or abdomen (ascites).

To cut the story short, his understanding and bear in mind i see so many people that you just get snapshots, is that if the tumor reduces to below 5cm then i will be put on the list for a liver transplant. This of course is a new perspective for me, a development in my journey and understanding what is to come

Scolari's been sacked - phew!

The Bob Spour Experience part 2 to 1000

It's Sunday evening and the snow is developing a frosty shell to it. I've woken up after crashing in the armchair, one of those recliner types, that i settled in to watch Wales beat Scotland after having dropped the illustrious Mr Spour at the airport and safely back on his way home.

After Friday's stressful events where we eventually picked him up from the airport at 7pm, we approached Saturday intent on pulling the weekend back in control. Bob was going to put his Self Protection on before the scheduled Thai Boxing session. it all worked out well and a great time was had by all. No cars got stuck in the snow unlike Friday and in the evening we had a few people around to spend the evening with, with Bob telling us about his experiences on the comedy circuit.


I ended up watching the Worlds Fastest Indian with Anthony Hopkins which - put it on your films to watch list. Bob and i share a love of bikes and if you go to the Pilgrims blog link on the blog you can see his chopper! Wahhay!

Sunday and there is a morning NLP workshop where Bob lays the foundations for people on what NLP is and exercises are undertaken by the group. Its a great session that has all the participants engrossed. We will be having more courses in the future.


Bob had revised my timeline on Saturday morning. We were able to take a fresh look at whats ahead. You know that saying "with a little bit of hindsight". Well that's what Bob did. We went to the end of the timeline and looked back to see what things i could do to make it better and I've already started doing them. It brought back elements of the original session that i had forgotten and they are now working again.

Tomorrow morning I'm at Ward A for the liver doctor so i guess that means sitting in commuter traffic. I have the symptoms from pre-surgery back again, bloating of the legs. However I'm not experiencing any pain in the liver and that's is down to the milk thistle regime I'm sticking to! With the Sorafenib about to commence, i'm now in pole position.

The Bob Spour Experience part 1

Bob phoned while the nurse checks the wound. He's stuck in traffic trying to get to the airport in time and the nurse takes off the dressing. The silvercell has done its job and when cleaned there is no blood, its no longer vascular. One more dressing and after that I wont see these wonderful nurses again on this matter.

With the weather I'm not expecting the call to pick up the pills from the hospital as i doubt they have arrived. It would be great to start dealing with the tumor, as the effects are really making life difficult right now. Bobs missed his flight with the motorway congestion and airport car park closed. He's lucky enough to be able to get on to another one later in the after noon. Don't Panic!

Bobs flight is delayed and with gridlock in Aberdeen we have postponed tonights event. Will be moved tomorrow.

If anyone has any questions they might want to ask Bob while he's up email me on kaliwarrior at googlemail dot com and I'll get him to answer them.

Six Nations starts this weekend with Wales playing Scotland. Wales go into the tournament as clear favourites, brimming with confidence.

Chelsea v Hull as well!

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===
What is this fear?

Why are you, why is anybody, afraid? Is it based on not wanting to be hurt? Or is it that one wants complete security, and not being able to find it - this sense of complete safety, of protection, physically, emotionally, psychologically - one becomes terribly anxious about living? - so there is this sense of uncertainty.

Now why is there fear? You have been hurt, haven't you? And out of that hurt you do all kinds of things. We resist a great deal, we don't want to be disturbed; out of that feeling of hurt we cling to something which we hope will protect us. Therefore we become aggressive towards anything that attacks what we are holding on to for protection.

As a human being sitting here, wanting to resolve this problem of fear what is it that you are frightened of?

Wordle

Several weeks ago i told you that i was reducing the MST to 5mg twice a day. All went well, but at the moment I'm walking around as if i have a bruised ribcage. I am deducing that this is the MST weaning off and as the surgery heals up its not all going to this area. Therefore I'm feeling the wound much more, to the extent that its painful to move. Its painful to sneeze and yawn. At the same time its a better perspective to be aware of the condition.

Lack of sleep can bring on ailments like a cold, but long term deprivation can do great harm:

Performance - sleep helps you think clearly, react quickly and create memory pathways in the brain needed for learning and remembering.
Mood - irritability and depression.
Health - high blood pressure, heart disease and other medical conditions. During sleep the body produces valuable hormones that are needed to help in growth, energy use and fighting infections.

Tips for getting a good nights sleep:

- Go to bed and get up at a regular bedtime every day, even on weekends or when you're on vacation. This helps to regulate your internal body clock and educate it when it should be sleeping and when it needs to be awake.
- Avoid caffeine, nicotine, chocolate, sugar and alcohol as much as possible, especially in the hours leading up to bedtime.
- Resist the temptation, no matter how tired you are, to take long naps during the day. Having a rest or a 10 minute 'power' nap is ok, but make sure you don't oversleep.
- Don't eat large meals in the 3 hours before your established bedtime, and try to limit your fluids from late afternoon to avoid nighttime trips to the bathroom if this is an issue for you.
- Don't watch the news, or engage in any stimulating or stressful activity within an hour of your bedtime.
- Use relaxation techniques like deep breathing, progressive relaxation or guided imagery to quiet your mind.
- Wind down with a warm shower or bath, or with a warm, non-caffeinated beverage while listening to relaxing music.

Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text. You can tweak your clouds with different fonts, layouts, and color schemes. The images you create with Wordle are yours to use however you like. You can print them out, or save them to the Wordle gallery to share with your friends.

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

What is this fear?

Why are you, why is anybody, afraid? Is it based on not wanting to be hurt? Or is it that one wants complete security, and not being able to find it - this sense of complete safety, of protection, physically, emotionally, psychologically - one becomes terribly anxious about living? - so there is this sense of uncertainty.

Now why is there fear? You have been hurt, haven't you? And out of that hurt you do all kinds of things. We resist a great deal, we don't want to be disturbed; out of that feeling of hurt we cling to something which we hope will protect us. Therefore we become aggressive towards anything that attacks what we are holding on to for protection. As a human being sitting here, wanting to resolve this problem of fear what is it that you are frightened of?

No Doubt No Fear

Bobs up this weekend and we'll be looking at several things on a personal basis as well as from a Martial Arts perspective. Personally I'll be looking to revitalise my timeline, refocus on my desire.

Fear has crept in and is gripping me like the icy weather hitting us from the east right now. I'm tired and when 'intelligent' people tell me to be realistic they actually tell me not to expect to be cured. They tell me to expect failure. If you expect failure that is what you get.

Martial Arts wise we have the self protection session on the friday night that is always value for money and can save your life! Muay Thai on the Saturday and a NLP workshop on Sunday morning. Details on the website.

Ali sent me a link to an article on Fear which is worth a read!

Realistic? In who's eyes?

The depression of the weekend has passed, leaving a slight shadow. The nurse has been and the wound is almost done, just a slight rawness exposed when cleaned. The MRSA has cleared and she put a sliver of silvercel with the dressing to help stop the over granulating of the healing.

I'm dwelling on something the consultant said yesterday, about being positive and yet realistic. She says the Tumor will never go away. It's not how i see it and nor the way i will continue to look at it. There's no such thing as failure, only a different set of results. I know so many people now that were told either that they would die or never walk etc. Guess what, they begged to differ. So do I! Your reality is based on your conditioning, I can make it be anything i want it to be! Big C little c Bouncing HCC, the tumor might have got you but it won't get me!


It's wet and wild as this 4pm picture shows. Kali is looking at me hoping that by the fact that i'm wearing the outdoor walking clothes, it doesn't mean i'm taking her OUT in that. She's smarting from a visit to the vets yesterday to look at a gummy eye. She has eye drops to heal an ulcer and they took blood from her to check her thyroid levels. She's been lacking energy recently, sleeping too much.

=== JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote ===

Decision creates a contradiction

Thought is the process of choosing. Without thought you cannot choose. The moment you choose, there is a decision, and that decision creates its own opposite - good and bad, violence and nonviolence. The man who pursues nonviolence through decision creates a contradiction in himself. Thought is essentially born of choice; I choose to think in a certain way.

I examine communism, socialism, Buddhism; I reason logically and decide to think this or that. Such thought is based on memory, on my conditioning, on my pleasure, on my likes and dislikes, and any action born of such thought will inevitably create contradiction in myself and therefore in the world; it will produce sorrow, misery, not only for me but for others as well.

Collected Works, Vol. XI - 164

Movement

While most of the UK grinds to halt with snow, i made my way in to the hospital to meet the consultant. An hours wait later and I'm watching a Pekiti Tirsia dvd on my iPhone when he consultant decides to join me. Polite apology accepted i listen eagerly to her. There has been some to and fro'ing with the Scottish NHS over whether this course would be part of their trials, but it had been rejected and it will be for BUPA to pay.

So, by the end of the week, i should have started the course of medication. Her strategy is to get control of the tumor and so after two months I'll be scanned to measure it. She then hopes the medication will start to reduce the tumor and it will really be discovery from there.

Her other patients with differing forms of cancer have reported the only side effect being a skin rash, so i will start recording all food intake in case i stumble on a link to avoid this. Pains in the soles of the feet has afflicted some people - i automatically thought of yoga stretching! The other side effect will require me to be aware of where the toilet is at all times!

As i have said before, those are reactions felt by others, so they won't necessarily afflict me.

The scar is now almost fully dry, meaning the healing on the surface has completed and i should be able to have my first soak in the bath this week since the beginning of November! Luxury!

The snow isn't really settling here, but its accompanied with a biting North Sea wind. Caz and Kali have been in Inverness and are due back soon. Kali loves the snow and runs like a daftie in it.

It hasn't been a good weekend, where i have felt down especially with the loss at Liverpool. I won't be making the trip in march to the LA camp, moving it further down the timeline and later in the year. When you are down the sky opens and today's developments changes the mood significantly.

Desire is your strongest asset! Please don't underestimate it's importance.

It's where everything is built from. It's the foundational element that ignites you!

Please be invigorated and energized by it. Move forward in positive and powerful ways. Good Work!

Struggling

I am struggling at the moment.

I sought of forgot that i was still at the start line, in fact moving further away from it in the sense that i still have a growing tumor and an under performing Liver. The scar is almost healed up on the outside, but inside its still working to nature's plan. Healing takes time.

I tire quickly, to the point i was at before the surgery, which is not suprising since i am still at that place. Thankfully we should be starting the Sorafenib next week, at a time when Bob Spour is visiting, so i can revitalise my visualisation, reset the timeline.

I'm taking the milk thistle along with the Cynara and Dandelian root. The three herbs are hepato-protective and will also encourage regenration at cellular levels. I have the wheatgrass, lifeforce mixture. I'm drinking fluids and juicing. There's no alcohol and nothing impacting on the burdoned liver. I have changed to goats cheese, moving further away from dairy. I notice the difference with that.

i'd set myself up to think that surgery would be the solution, but while i understand the fact that it failed, it is almost that i'm stuck in the pre op mentality. So i seem to be less flexible with the change of circumstance. I'm fed up really.

Little things start to niggle. The recording of the UFC failed, so i want to look for a DVD hard drive which will allow for the Setanta card so i can watch the sports selection and record without disk failure.

Chels travel to Liverpool for todays 4pm kick off. I've been there so many times, coming away feeling that its been ripped from our grip unfairly mostly, so i defer to the mentality of hype of a magnificent victory that will settle us up in second place.

It's cold today, a bitter Easterly wind bring a sharp siberian flavour. When i come out of this it's going to be warm, spring time. A time for being reborn. I'll get there.