As regular followers (legionnaires) of this blog know, the 'why me' self pity is not part of my make up. However, i do want to ask "WHY ME" on a totally different level. We were bombarded with images of people dying in poverty and with disease last night in Comic Reliefs amazing £57m fund raising. So how come, i ask, did I end up being me? Why am i white, 5'9", Celt indigenous Briton living in an affulent society?
Physically that is what i am, but if life has a purpose and it does, then i have what i will refer to as a soul. Why did that soul be me? Why didn't it put me in a shanty town in South Africa for example?
Our societies are screwed as they chase materialistic satisfaction that is actually lacking in spiritual satisfaction and we hear about the need to progress, to grow. But we are doing this simply in material terms. We have lost value in the spirituality and we treat our earth with contempt. For survival of our species, which, after all, is our base desire.
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" John 9:1-2
So why , i ask , did i end up with my parents? What was it that they had that i was to benefit from in my evolutionary development? Looking at myself I'm quite reserved, introvert until i become comfortable with my surroundings and then i open up to an extent. The one thing that has been described of me throughout my life is that i have a brick wall that i wont let people past. I'm comfortable in my own company and yet have yearned for a community to belong with.
My parents moved around and a lot of my life was spent in strict military type with strong christian leaning boarding schools. I'd march single file into chapel daily after set exercises run by 'staff' the ex army PE teacher. I had no choice in the matter but the separation from what you know at the age of 7 impacts greatly.
My father though was principled but i realise very relaxed, even though he didn't like to show it. An extremely generous man, he did what he did because he thought it best and was uncomfortable with some aspects (my sister may see it differently) of family. I learnt at his death that he was brought up in Neath, South Wales by his grandmother while his father went away to work and the mother worked as well. This was common and so by sending me away he was doing what he felt was the correct thing to do.
My mother was extremely loyal to my father, stood by him and tried to live up to a class dream of moving from working class into the middle classes. Extremely competitive, her tongue at times could be sharp but later on i saw her before she died far more liberal when the need to compete was no longer necessary. She pushed my father to save rather than spend, as her upbringing in the Mumbles had been existence and they always had to save. My father liked to spend on luxuries and when he was in Abu Dhabi on his own before my mum joined him he bought a sports car, without air conditioning. She gave him a row, trust me!
So my make up is a result of these two to whom i was put in their care. If you only believe in life and nothing else then you cannot take this further, but i have always felt that there is more. The bible refers to reincarnation and many other religions do as well, so if there is reincarnation then there is evolution of the soul. If there is purpose then there are things we must achieve within our lifetime to prepare us for our next stage.
In my twenties i was wild, an angry young man with self destruction tendencies that have led me no doubt to my current predicament. Then i used martial arts to get my discipline back and i pulled myself out of the chaos and set myself straight. When i cradled Caillin, my first son who died at 10 months, i could see that the energy had left his body. I knew he had been here to experience love and that was all he needed in order to have the jewel in the lotus(Om mani padme hum) or nirvana นิพพาน or heaven. I was at peace because he had moved on .
Whatever else i achieve i must free myself from the reaction i had to my parents and see their input as a start from which i must move on. There is no anger to them anymore. I must be more open, showing visible love rather than hiding it behind the acceptable face society dictates. All this requires me to be at peace and working with my direct environment and that doesn't just men people but also this planet.
There is no coincidence in my world. I need the discipline but not in a rigid way that defies the simple truth of the world. Its not a belief, it just is. Why me? That's the evolutionary process of my soul and survival of the species. When a tree grows some branches whither in order that the tree as a whole grows stronger and that's how i see it.
This is happening now
1 year ago