Wednesday, 16 September 2009

The Living Dead

I have had two entertaining [sic] trips to the hospital in the last two days after a weekend of poorly days.

Tuesday was a result of the Tumour Doctor finding e-mails i had sent a few weeks before in her junk inbox. She asked if I was"
able to pop up even tomorrow to ward xx where I’ll be doing a ward round until 1030?"

So in i went, on my motorcycle, on a lovely Tuesday morning. The nurse said she'd give the Doctor a call and I went to the waiting room. I ended up falling a sleep for over an hour and had a really quality catnap! Never saw the Dr but the rest of the day was great and I taught two classes at night.

Wednesday and I have a busy day in the office. My energy is good and after a 5 hour stint, I head off to the hospital to see Mr Liver Doctor. This one gives me it straight and I want to know if I can get onto the transplant list.

The reason I am not already on the transplant list is because if you are receiving treatment for a tumour then you don't qualify as the potential of other tumours are greater. Liver transplants, as we discussed a post ago, are hard to come by because of the lack of donors. With increased car safety that production line is restricted and with society's binge drinking habits most livers are unsuitable.

So I say, why not check for other tumours? It would appear that this is not easy but the Dr has arranged a CT scan to measure the current size of my tumours and also a chest examination to see if any evidence of them are there. If its clear he will fight my case with the transplant team using the argument that I'm young, fit and otherwise healthy, i have responded to the treatment in a positive way.

You see, i just found out that I wasn't expected to survive three months from the moment the tumour was identified. I am meant to be pushing up the daisies right now, but my resolve has changed that destiny. I am the Living Dead!

By letting it happen without a fight...
You're already dead, You're already dead.
With your endless debates about wrong and right...
You're already dead, You're already dead.
Nothings going to change if you're not prepared to act,
There's no point complaining after the fact,
Content to be a number, branded X and neatly packed...
You're already dead, You're already dead.
Crass 1984

So the prognosis is that I have already broken the expectations and with responding to treatment I can prolong my life for a period unknown. I've already broken the statistical norm but with chronic liver disease without a transplant there's not much mileage left in the tank.

With transplant who knows but there are people out there 25 years and going. The fight for a transplant means putting yourself in a fight with all the others who are applying. Survival of the strongest. So the impetus to get fitter and put myself up there is never greater.

I'm fighting for my f*cking life!

I'm rewriting the book and i need to realign with all those examples of survivors to keep motivated. With this in my head, I taught class tonight. There's no surrender, there's no bucket of sand to stick my head into and there is no time for self pity.

I'll enjoy the moments i have with the ones i love doing the things i love!

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