I had intended to write about the people in my ward, but i think that would be unfair to do so in too much detail. However, the lesson i learnt is more relevant.
I knew others would impact on my stay and a high percentage of the occupants of the beds are in the 60+ age range. Some may have had years of treatment, some may have family members who have died abruptly. Some may be grieving from lost loved ones and may not have family support. Whatever the person there is a different recipe.
One of the annoying personalities i encountered in my stay was simply an old man who grieved for his late wife, who was clear of cancer but empty of love epitomised by the lack of visits from his family.
One would not make it to Christmas. A family man tired of years of treatment, he was at peace with submission.
One had almost all his insides removed. None of his friends at the local bar knew of his ordeal as he didnt want the attention. His life had been a life of hard labour and fate had hit him with a huge blow that still did not kill him. He just wanted to go to his small home and be there.
They on the other hand had me. I wanted the windows open, i wanted to talk, i'd ask if they were ok and enquire about their history, family, jobs, national service, football interests. From the nice warm self indulgent bed of despair i prised them out into a community which then saw other gravitate to the room. The silence was filled with background radio and we even shared papers. There were arguments!
Bet they were glad to get rid of me.
The auld fellow should have left today to his sons home. The family guy is going to try and make it past Xmas so he can share with his family one last Xmas and the wee silent fellow is going to catch a train to visit his daughter.
We affect each other, we are responsible for our own actions and can influence other's reactions. Through the way i interact with those around me will determine the outcome i visualise.
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Contact email
i have an email address for issues raised in the blog:
kaliwarrior at googlemail.com
I know this blog is being shown to many in the same position, so i see this as an opportunity for some to express themselves. I can't guarantee i can answer all mails, but we will see where this takes us.
Unfortunately, on signing a friends guestbook that died earlier in the year, i now receive requests to pay money to a bank account in the type of scam mail we have seen increase over the years, so i use the mail address as above to avoid scans that look to attach to email addresses.
kaliwarrior at googlemail.com
I know this blog is being shown to many in the same position, so i see this as an opportunity for some to express themselves. I can't guarantee i can answer all mails, but we will see where this takes us.
Unfortunately, on signing a friends guestbook that died earlier in the year, i now receive requests to pay money to a bank account in the type of scam mail we have seen increase over the years, so i use the mail address as above to avoid scans that look to attach to email addresses.
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Hospital times
For me there's no other option. I have everything to live for and that's why i will overcome the tumor. Not everyone is the same, some will see death as a blessing, some will wish they were sicker so they could hide away behind something, some simply treat it as another hard day in a hard life. You get to meet so many different people but they can influence you and drag you off your course. The hardest part after the operation was dealing with the people when i moved into the ward out of HDU.
HDU was first class, it was organised so that nurses were always in sight and they were supported by the odd auxiliary or student. Through in the wards, the use of auxiliaries and students is an obvious cost effective way of dealing with the higher occupancy. It doesn't demean the quality of the nurses just that they don't spend as much personal time with you.
The way you behave is obviously a factor in the way others respond to you, so my cheery disposition was a breath of fresh air in a mood of despair. The Dr's also started to change the routine, speaking to me rather than at or around me when they saw the positiveness in my attitude. When referring to statistics, don't forget that's about other people, not you!
It all started well until a Dr i never saw again decided the epidural would be taken out. Id undergone major surgery and whilst they couldn't operate on the liver, it was still major. The plan had been to keep the epidural in till the Tuesday, but some bright spark decided otherwise without talking with the Pain Management Team and replaced the epidural with oral drugs. They gave me doses too small for my body type and so Sunday saw me in a state of sheer pain. 10mg of Sevradol and 10mg of Tramadol 4 x a day was soon raised to 20mg and that helped big time.
Then they decided to take away the catheter that was draining the bladder. With the body shocked from surgery and under new drugs, the bladder didn't respond, so on the Monday night they decided to put it back in. 3 long attempts were made causing a certain amount of trauma and a sleepless night, finally being put in on Tuesday 9am. This was while in the recovery stage which is meant to be fraught with danger. I waited for the kitchen sink, after all, that was the only thing i didn't have thrown at me. Two of the days in the HDU were almost step backwards.
So on Tuesday, exhausted, i was moved in to the ward, into a room which had the windows closed and the heating full on and three others not speaking. I'll talk about the guys in a separate topic, but at one point that evening the pressure was not where i wanted to be. I had a bedside phone and i think it was Bob on the phone when i cracked. At that point i somehow related to a para phrase of 'screwing the nut' (getting your head straight) that Bob had told me about in relating to when you have to pull it together. I said the phrase and i was ok. I was OK.
So Tuesday to Friday i was in the room with 3 others with whom i started talking and we had the windows opened. the nurses came in with better attitude as it was no longer a room to hide from. The Tramadol was dropped so that left me less 'knocked out. 'Visitors came in and spirits lifted - i think on Wednesday i had nine which also tired me but in a nice sort of way. My drainage was taken away and i started walking freely. 200 meters was an achievement. Nurses started 'hanging out' in our room and when i left there was a good feeling despite the terminal diagnosis for one of them.
I would wake up at 7ish, get a breakfast of grapefruit and a slice of toast but i was never hungry in the am. I had slow acting Morphine at 8am and 8pm and any time i needed more than that i took 20mg of Sevradol. Paracetamol 4 x a day and laxatives in the hope that...well... hope. I'd shower and take the dressing off letting the wound breathe, change and then go back to bed to sleep to lunchtime. This time was also a busy time for blood pressure, blood testing and dr's rounds. Friday i could go home and i couldn't wait, i spent the afternoon speaking with visitors, walking the corridors getting my meters in, as well as nursing staff and the others in my room.
At 7.30pm, i walked out into the dark crisp evening for the car journey home in what was an emotional and significant moment for me. The fight changes to a two pronged attack now. I'll have Chemotherapy for the tumors, but i will also have to repair my liver for the quality of life i want to have. Walking on the frost bitten pavement i knew the journey would have its tough times ahead but i will achieve it on both fronts.
HDU was first class, it was organised so that nurses were always in sight and they were supported by the odd auxiliary or student. Through in the wards, the use of auxiliaries and students is an obvious cost effective way of dealing with the higher occupancy. It doesn't demean the quality of the nurses just that they don't spend as much personal time with you.
The way you behave is obviously a factor in the way others respond to you, so my cheery disposition was a breath of fresh air in a mood of despair. The Dr's also started to change the routine, speaking to me rather than at or around me when they saw the positiveness in my attitude. When referring to statistics, don't forget that's about other people, not you!
It all started well until a Dr i never saw again decided the epidural would be taken out. Id undergone major surgery and whilst they couldn't operate on the liver, it was still major. The plan had been to keep the epidural in till the Tuesday, but some bright spark decided otherwise without talking with the Pain Management Team and replaced the epidural with oral drugs. They gave me doses too small for my body type and so Sunday saw me in a state of sheer pain. 10mg of Sevradol and 10mg of Tramadol 4 x a day was soon raised to 20mg and that helped big time.
Then they decided to take away the catheter that was draining the bladder. With the body shocked from surgery and under new drugs, the bladder didn't respond, so on the Monday night they decided to put it back in. 3 long attempts were made causing a certain amount of trauma and a sleepless night, finally being put in on Tuesday 9am. This was while in the recovery stage which is meant to be fraught with danger. I waited for the kitchen sink, after all, that was the only thing i didn't have thrown at me. Two of the days in the HDU were almost step backwards.
So on Tuesday, exhausted, i was moved in to the ward, into a room which had the windows closed and the heating full on and three others not speaking. I'll talk about the guys in a separate topic, but at one point that evening the pressure was not where i wanted to be. I had a bedside phone and i think it was Bob on the phone when i cracked. At that point i somehow related to a para phrase of 'screwing the nut' (getting your head straight) that Bob had told me about in relating to when you have to pull it together. I said the phrase and i was ok. I was OK.
So Tuesday to Friday i was in the room with 3 others with whom i started talking and we had the windows opened. the nurses came in with better attitude as it was no longer a room to hide from. The Tramadol was dropped so that left me less 'knocked out. 'Visitors came in and spirits lifted - i think on Wednesday i had nine which also tired me but in a nice sort of way. My drainage was taken away and i started walking freely. 200 meters was an achievement. Nurses started 'hanging out' in our room and when i left there was a good feeling despite the terminal diagnosis for one of them.
I would wake up at 7ish, get a breakfast of grapefruit and a slice of toast but i was never hungry in the am. I had slow acting Morphine at 8am and 8pm and any time i needed more than that i took 20mg of Sevradol. Paracetamol 4 x a day and laxatives in the hope that...well... hope. I'd shower and take the dressing off letting the wound breathe, change and then go back to bed to sleep to lunchtime. This time was also a busy time for blood pressure, blood testing and dr's rounds. Friday i could go home and i couldn't wait, i spent the afternoon speaking with visitors, walking the corridors getting my meters in, as well as nursing staff and the others in my room.
At 7.30pm, i walked out into the dark crisp evening for the car journey home in what was an emotional and significant moment for me. The fight changes to a two pronged attack now. I'll have Chemotherapy for the tumors, but i will also have to repair my liver for the quality of life i want to have. Walking on the frost bitten pavement i knew the journey would have its tough times ahead but i will achieve it on both fronts.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Thursday, 27 November 2008
I'll show you mine if you show me yours!!
Wednesday is a good day and Pat is coming on better each day, they have removed the bandages over his scar, and he is proudly showing it off to anyone and everyone, much to Wendy and Leigh's horror! :).
His belly is swollen and bloated from trapped wind, which he managed to free some when I visited, so glad I have such a good affect on him!
His spirits are good and the Physio who came to visit was positive, and Pat's already working out his recovery programme.
A busy day with visitors today, we are working it as a tag team, so thanks again to all who have been into visit and those who have sent well wishes etc, they are very much appreciated.
We wont get news of his further treatment for a week or so, which feels frustrating as we just want to get on with things, but the main objective is to get him home from hospital right now, little steps lead to big steps.
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Thanks
This is just to say thank you to those who went in on Monday to visit Pat, as I was unable to get in due to work. I could easily have time off from work as they have been brilliant and so has Pats's but I feel it is important to keep some normality going.
They have changed his painkillers today to slow release ones and he's doing better.
Thanks again.
On Tuesday they moved him out of the High Depedancy Unit into the main ward,where is in the opposite bed from John Yule, the husband of one of my work pals, of course we wish him all the best in his recovery but its nice for me to have a familiar face there when I go in and have some one at work who knows what we are going through, thanks Jackie for your support.
Pat is coming on slowly but surley and we are still hoping for release by the weekend, better get the nurses uniform out!! :)
They have changed his painkillers today to slow release ones and he's doing better.
Thanks again.
On Tuesday they moved him out of the High Depedancy Unit into the main ward,where is in the opposite bed from John Yule, the husband of one of my work pals, of course we wish him all the best in his recovery but its nice for me to have a familiar face there when I go in and have some one at work who knows what we are going through, thanks Jackie for your support.
Pat is coming on slowly but surley and we are still hoping for release by the weekend, better get the nurses uniform out!! :)
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Up and Down
Today has been a day of ups and downs,
This morning the snow was thick and off Kali and I went for a walk, You may have noticed that Pat is a follower of boxer welfare scotland and every now and again we check and have a look at the rehome section, some aren't as lucky as our Kali, and there was 1 white boxer Lola, found as a stray in Glasgow and in bad shape. We met one of Kali's friends a handsome white male called Clay, but wait there was now 2 white boxers, low and behold it was Lola! She is now thriving with her new owners Suzie and Richard, and the 2 dogs are now great pals. :)
Well Pat got his epidural out today which was controlling the pain well, and then my Superman got hit by Kryptonite, and the pain has hit him quite badly, he was fairly bright in the afternoon but not as good as yesterday, I think the epidural gave him a false sense, but he had to come off it some time, maybe today was a bit too early. They had upped his oral painkillers by the evening so the visit was short but sweet, we both need our sleep it was been an eventful weekend.
I started writing this next bit, when I was tired and unable to sleep, and therefore my mind frame was low, but after sleep and remembering the following poem my mind set today is far stronger and therefore I rewrote it.
I got the news today that my friend and work colleague, Susan Drummond, lost her fight on Saturday, I've shed my tears but I must keep positive and celebrate Susans life and that fact that I got to be her friend. Celebrate the good nights out we had, celebrate how beautiful and happy she was on her wedding day to Gus, celebrate that she got to swim with dolphins and celebrate how happy and proud she was of her two children, Flynn and Kerry. Susan it was an honour and a pleasure.
This morning the snow was thick and off Kali and I went for a walk, You may have noticed that Pat is a follower of boxer welfare scotland and every now and again we check and have a look at the rehome section, some aren't as lucky as our Kali, and there was 1 white boxer Lola, found as a stray in Glasgow and in bad shape. We met one of Kali's friends a handsome white male called Clay, but wait there was now 2 white boxers, low and behold it was Lola! She is now thriving with her new owners Suzie and Richard, and the 2 dogs are now great pals. :)
Well Pat got his epidural out today which was controlling the pain well, and then my Superman got hit by Kryptonite, and the pain has hit him quite badly, he was fairly bright in the afternoon but not as good as yesterday, I think the epidural gave him a false sense, but he had to come off it some time, maybe today was a bit too early. They had upped his oral painkillers by the evening so the visit was short but sweet, we both need our sleep it was been an eventful weekend.
I started writing this next bit, when I was tired and unable to sleep, and therefore my mind frame was low, but after sleep and remembering the following poem my mind set today is far stronger and therefore I rewrote it.
I got the news today that my friend and work colleague, Susan Drummond, lost her fight on Saturday, I've shed my tears but I must keep positive and celebrate Susans life and that fact that I got to be her friend. Celebrate the good nights out we had, celebrate how beautiful and happy she was on her wedding day to Gus, celebrate that she got to swim with dolphins and celebrate how happy and proud she was of her two children, Flynn and Kerry. Susan it was an honour and a pleasure.
You can shed tears
now that she has gone
Or you can smile
because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray
that she'll come back
Or you can open your eyes
and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty
because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love
you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow
and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow
because of yesterday.
You can remember her
and only that she has gone
Or you can cherish her memory
and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she
would have wanted:
Smile, open you eyes, love, and go on
now that she has gone
Or you can smile
because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray
that she'll come back
Or you can open your eyes
and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty
because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love
you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow
and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow
because of yesterday.
You can remember her
and only that she has gone
Or you can cherish her memory
and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she
would have wanted:
Smile, open you eyes, love, and go on
Anon
This poem was chosen by another friend of both myself and Susan, Carol McAleer, a great positive women who tragically also lost her fight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
