Surviving Cancer

costa del aboyne

2010-08-20T18:15:00.004+01:00

One of my meds has run its course and I'm not going to be asking them to renew it. Furosemide was diagnosed because of the edema in my legs and whilst my weight is around 79kgs, the leg bloating has reduced greatly. But this last month has been awful for dizziness and i haven't been able to exercise due to this. With the end to this course I hope to become more active.

My sister, Kate, is currently visiting Aboyne Manor and she's brought the good weather! A few roasters have seen a lot of time in the garden and a lot of time on the bikes! Poor Kali suffers in the heat at times, but still loves lounging outside then inside on the rainy days.

On the rainy days, I have spent them in the garage. I stripped the brakes and now they are far better than they were on the Sprint. It got its MOT this week, no problems in passing.

We are off to Wales soon to see some relatives and enjoy the Gower coastline. Really looking forward to that. Just wishing I could take the bike, but until we get asidecar for the dog it's not feasible ; )

Aboyne Highland Games

2010-08-10T10:50:00.005+01:00

It has been a busy weekend at Aboyne Manor. Last week wasn't the best as i was tired a lot and my blood pressure must have been high. Just going up the stairs was causing my legs to burn. I didn't exercise much at all.

I gave blood and had urine checks to measure the albumin levels - effectively my kidney function. I expect to hear back if there is anything of concern, but no news is good news. I have dropped a kilo which I believe is a result of the water tablet, which i also think is causing a certain amount of giddyness.

I have had several runs on the bike which certainly lifted the spirits and, while i get used to the Speed I cleaned the Sprint t0 a degree I haven't done before. That too is running sweet.

At the weekend it was the Aboyne Highland Games and a great weekend it was too. We had several people staying at the house and we all attended the games, had a great meal and a wonderful time.

To be or not to be– that is the question

2010-08-06T08:39:00.005+01:00

I have been asked to help a Major Drugs company lobby the Scottish Government to make a certain drug available on the NHS. More about this will be discussed later on this year, however I mention it now in qualification in my comment on this article in the Independant today.

The spin by recent politicians to put Cancer treatment at the top of their list may make a nice cheap soundbite but the reality is that, in an environment of cuts, cuts and more cuts, that its nothing but patronising bs.

There are people who do not have access to funding who will be denied the treatment that could be part of the recipe towards their survival. These are not lazy b*ggers who couldn't be bothered to work or whatever other cheap attack may be used to portray them,. These include people who give up their selfishness to care for elderly, handicapped or sick relations. People who have worked in low paid industry on the back of which fat cats in the City may have made a fortune on spread betting.

I do not want to be part of a society that sees a seperatist system based on financial privilege concerned in at least the treatment of health.

If the politicians are serious they should also be looking at the profit margins pursued by drug companies which pushes the prices soaringly high during the period of patent.

I'll certainly make politicians aware that I was lucky to get treatment that, along with the attitude discussed throughout this blog, took me towards cure. I'll tell them I'm still struggling with the toxicity of that drug but at least I'm alive with a quality of life to pursue. I'll tell them to stop taking the free lunches and gifts and start taking the subject seriously, rather than a flippant press attractive bit of spin.

“

To be or not to be– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
No more – and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of disprized love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.—Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

”

Spitfire!

2010-08-05T19:01:00.002+01:00

Blood pressure is still high and kidney function playing up so i wont be enjoying these thee little beauties right now. If I go up the stairs I feel fatigued and I had to take breaks whilst mowing the lawn this afternoon.

Saying that I rode the bike into Aberdeen and back this morning and then cleaned it's chain and rear chain ring, so I've had a full-on day with no catnap! It's the Highland Games weekend and we will have visitors at the house, so I look forward to the company!

Zen and the Art of Motorcycles

2010-08-03T13:53:00.007+01:00

Last Tuesday I went to teach my class. As I was in early, I got one of the lads to hold the focus mitts for me and did three rounds of hands. Everything came together and I was quite happy with them, looking to increase speed and endurance over the next month!

Wednesday saw me visit an old friend in Bridge of Don where I lived before our move to Aboyne. Kali enjoyed the reunion with doggy pals and the walk around the moor that she grew up in!

Thursday night I caught a train down to Edinburgh, staying overnight in a fleapit of a hotel. I went as light as possible, with my leathers and helmet. It was a muggy night and the window had to stay closed due to the noise of the silly season in the capitals streets. I was absolutely knackered but could I get a decent sleep? No! Maybe it was because I felt like a little boy on Christmas eve?

First thing in the morning I jumped into a taxi and got to the shop just as it opened. I was served a cuppa and we went through the necessary paperwork and then I was handed the keys and left to my own devices.

I drove down to the bypass, feeling the new bike out, over the Forth bridge and up the motorway to Perth, all with a relative ease as long as i stayed below a certain 'alleged' speed where the wind became too uncomfortable. After Perth it was all A roads and that's when i knew I had a beauty of a beast.

Stopping for refreshment at the cafe at the Glenshee cafe, where the ski resort is, it didn't take long before i was winding through the Deeside roads I knew well and arriving home with a huge grin on my face. The ease of the bikes effort and its ability to corner effortlessly saw me home in a manner I wasn't used to!

With the weeks events so far I had to spend a good deal of the next day in bed.

Having taught the children's class on the Saturday morning, I came home accompanied by my son for a weekend of drizzle which spoiled the plans for messing about in the garden. Had a nice meal down at the local pub, watched a movie on DVD and generally chilled out.

We walked around part of Loch Kinord on the Sunday, getting somewhat wet on the latter part. It' great to see Kali on new walks as she really does enjoy it and was often jumping into the Loch for a drink. Her fear of water has really gone now. In the evening I dropped Perry off in Aberdeen where Caz and I went to see the film Inception. Very good film.

I've been sleeping in the late mornings for the last few days, although it is doing me good. i still have the edema and they are looking hard at my kidney function which still hasn't returned to full working order. After today's snooze, I look forward to teaching tonight and the weekend brings the Highland Games to our village, when we will also be guests to visiting friends.

Triple Visitors

2010-07-26T20:09:00.003+01:00

Loch Kinord

Thursdays clinic visit had a couple of repercussions I can live with. Healthwise, everything was fine although my blood pressure does remain high. It's funny because I parked the car and was feeling great but as I walked in through the entrance just below the ward I was in, I felt my stomach tense up and the stress coming on. I think my BP reading was high because of that.

The edema was talked about and I have water tablets to help. A week later and it doesn't seem to have made much of an impact. I've been tired since the trip down and really could do with a long sleep. My weight has been steady at 79.4kgs but I look like I've filled out. I've been feeling a little bit low and quite ratty. I really need to get focused again on my praxis.

The other repercussion is that I went for a test drive and will soon have a new bike to play with.

Boys love their toys!

The Triumph Speed Triple is a 1050 triple that has been top of the naked's in virtually every motorbike publication for the last 5 years. It's still there, but the one in the photo will be with me for a run soon. Hey! It's a sign when the Triumph dealer is next to the clinic!

It's a dogs life!

We have had some visitors at Aboyne manor recently. Hilary and Darren were up with their daughter Elle at the weekend and popped out with Tracey for a pot of tea on a hot sunny Friday. Then this afternoon, Paul came out with his son James and were a welcome sight on a drizzly afternoon! An old friend and an AMAG black belt is up visiting this week and will be popping out on Wednesday before heading up to Shetland to visit family.

This months Combat magazine, the July issue has an interview with yours truely. I think editing has altered it a bit and i think it was done about a year ago, but it's good to see it get in there!

I've had to monitor the comments to stop the prat who keeps posting Asian p o r n site links.

I will be...

2010-07-17T17:17:00.003+01:00

"First, say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." – Epictetus

I saw the works Doctor last week as an initial assessment in order to return to work. She has requested info from the Liver Transplant unit and I see her in 3 weeks time in order to, hopefully, return to work on a part time basis. She wants my blood pressure to drop as well which does sit rather high. In the meantime I can enjoy the rest of the summer, free from the office!

This week the weather has been rather wet, which has seen me in the house a lot more. At one point I started to go stir crazy. I've pottered about with the motorbike, taking the fairing off and on several times. The weather has improved for the weekend which is a blessing.

go on! fall off!

Caz got a new bicycle last weekend, so on the Sunday we both rode to the shops with Kali running alongside. The first experience Kali had with me on the bike was just when I'd put new Shimano clips on and they weren't quite right. When I stopped, i tried to take my foot out and of course it wouldn't release, resulting in a fall to the ground. This amused Kali who licked me all over my face and since then she's associated the bike with fun and runs enthusiastically alongside, forever hopeful of another fall!

She slept for the rest of the day, exhausted.

Ive been exercising more, putting in some 30 minute sessions on my Spinning bike and the other day I did some swings with the kettlebells. It's been a mixed week where I have one day felt good and the next been under the weather. i have been sleeping heavily but I still get up at a decent time and have walked the dog a lot. I'm still carrying fluid though and sitting at 79.8kgs. I hope this will get rectified with the clinic visit this Thursday.

Cherry's from our tree

Can i give a heads up to two Mac experts who have given me advice from the goodness of the hearts through twitter.
First Jon Bradbury who is located in Chesterfield and runs Bramley computers. He does Apple Mac repairs and is a keen amateur photographer & car nut. keep an eye on his ebay shop for some bargains.
Secondly, the Mac Doctor, who for anyone in the London area should be your first call.
Thanks you two for the advise you give unselfishly!

The thinker is not separate from the thought - JKOnline Daily Quotes

The thinker is not separate from the thought

Posted:

Is it possible not to name a feeling? Because, by calling a particular feeling `anger', `fear', `jealousy', we have given it strength, have we not? We have fixed it. The very naming is a process of confirming that feeling, giving it strength, and therefore enclosing it in memory. Observe it and you will see. It is possible to be free fundamentally only when the process of naming is understood - naming being terming, symbolizing, which is the action of memory; because memory is the `you'.

Without your memory, without your experiences, the `you' is not; and the mind clings to those experiences as essential in order to be secure. So, we cultivate memory, which is experience, knowledge, and through that process we hope to control the reactions and feelings which we call distortions. If we would be free of any particular quality, we must understand the whole process of the thinker and the thought, we must see the truth that the thinker is not separate from thought, but that they are a single, unitary process. If you actually realize that, you will see what an extraordinary revolution takes place in your life.

By revolution I do not mean economic revolution, which is no revolution at all, but merely a modified continuity of what is. But when the thinker realizes that he is not different from thought, then you will see that radically, deeply, there is an extraordinary transformation; because, then there is only the fact of thought, and not the translation of that fact to suit the thinker. - New York 1st Public Talk 4th June 1950 Collected Works, Volume 6

Congratulations

2010-07-11T18:58:00.004+01:00

May I send congratulations to two couples who have chosen to express their love this weekend.

Firstly Dave and Mira, former students at AMAG who now live in Norway announced their engagement whilst high up in the mountains. Dave was a great student, an instructor and a fighter at AMAG and is greatly missed.

Secondly, my Sifu and friend, Marc McFann has just announced his engagement to Jennifer, who recently travelled with Marc on his February visit. To say he was doted on her would be an understatement.

To you both, our BEST wishes!

Stripping away

2010-07-11T13:16:00.005+01:00

Change comes from within. You can join all the protests groups in the world campaign for peace or seek security through arming yourself, but UNTIL you deal with the issues within yourself you will not achieve the changes around you.

I had a heated discussion with someone recently. It was heated for him but not me. The reason being is that the person perceived something in a way that was rooted in his own insecurity, his own fear and so that emanated to the perception of what was happening around him. Therefore his heightened anxiety coloured everything that was being seen only through his extreme anxious perspective. Stress is what the doctors tag it as.

Some of the most conflict ridden people I ever met were on the peace camps in the early 80's. Somewhat of a paradox but an important lesson for me, in that it's not just what you do but what you do with emotion behind it. So if your a pacifist and want to see peace in the world around you, then unless there is peace within yourself, it's simply not going to happen.

Somewhat bizarrely, some of the most capably violent people that I have met in my martial arts career are also the most peaceful people, devoid of conflict within themselves.

This leads me to the conclusion that violence is not the act itself, but the emotion behind the act. I can react to an attack without being 'violent' even if I strike and incapacitate my foe. Yet I do not have to actually throw a strike in order to be violent and create fear in others.

What this means is that what is around us emanates from within us. If there is chaos around our life, its a result of confusion within us. If there is shouting and anger, its eminating from conflict in ourselves.

Conflict is a result of imbalance. A tumor is a result of an imbalance in cells, between the alkalinity and acidity. So balance is very important to our well being and our perception of the world.

Now, when i think of those I know who join every protest group there is, I wonder why they keep accumulating as it seems to clutter up everything. What it would seem to need is simplification, core work that strips away the unnecessary. Now you put this concept into your fitness regime, your martial arts (where its simply Jeet Kune Do) and therefore in your life and you'll be you and you'll be certain and you'll not be confused and be much happier.

I recall Gary Snyder in Turtle Island talking about how work should not be separated from play. Once there's separation there is conflict. Theres only one opprtunity to live life, so dont spend a huge amount of it doing things you really don't want to do. Be unified, be at peace!

Is there a Divine Plan?

Question: Is there, or is there not, a Divine Plan? What is the sense of our striving if there is not one?

Krishnamurti: Why do we strive? And what are we striving after? What would happen if we did not strive? Would we stagnate and decay? What is this constant striving to be something? What does this strife, this effort, indicate? And, does understanding come through effort, through striving?

One is constantly striving to become better, to change oneself, to fit oneself to a certain pattern, to become something - from the clerk to the manager, from the manager to the divine. And, does this striving bring understanding?

I think the question of effort should really be understood. What is it that is making the effort, and what do we mean by "the will to be"? We make an effort, do we not?, in order to achieve a result, in order to become better, in order to be more virtuous, or less of Something else. There is this constant battle going on in us between positive and negative desires, one superseding the other, one desire controlling the other - only we call it the higher and the lower self. But, obviously, it is still desire. You can place it at any level, and give it a different name; it is still desire, a craving to be something.

There is also the constant strife within oneself and with others, with society. Now, does this conflict of desires bring understanding? Does the conflict of opposites, the want and the non-want, bring clarification? And is there understanding in the struggle to approximate ourselves to an idea? So, the problem is not the strife, the struggle, or what would happen if we did not struggle, if we did not make an effort, if we did not strive to be something, psychologically as well as outwardly; the problem is, how does understanding come into being? Because, when once there is understanding, there is no strife.

What you understand, of that you are free. How does understanding come into being? I do not know if you have ever noticed that the more you struggle to understand, the less you understand any problem. But, the moment you cease to struggle and let the problem tell you the whole story, give all its significance - then there is understanding; which means, obviously, that to understand, the mind must be quiet. The mind must be choicelessly, passively, aware; and in that state, there is understanding of the many problems of our life.

The questioner wants to know if there is, or if there is not, a Divine Plan. I do not know what you mean by a "Divine Plan." But we do know, do we not?, that we are in sorrow, that we are in confusion, that confusion and sorrow are ever on the increase, socially, psychologically, individually and collectively. It is what we have made of this world. Whether there is a Divine Plan or not, is not important at all. But what is important is, to understand the confusion in which we live, outwardly as well as inwardly. And to understand that confusion, we must begin, obviously, with ourselves - because we are confusion; it is we who have produced this outward confusion in the world. And to clear up that confusion, we must begin with ourselves; because, what we are, the world is.

London 4th Public Talk 23rd October 1949

The Chai experience

2010-07-07T12:31:00.007+01:00

Ajarn Chai teaches in Northampton every year

I caught the flight down from Aberdeen to Birmingham on Friday morning, hiring a car to get to Ewen's house for the Thai Boxing Association UK's annual seminar with Ajarn Sirachai Sirisute. As an Associate Instructor and Scottish Director, even though I couldn't participate physically I was determined to be there and I really felt up for it.

Sairs, Bill, Richy and Chris listen attentively during the Krabbi Krabong session.

We all went out for a meal at night at a local Indian restaurant, and I managed to get to sleep at a decent hour so was refreshed for the Saturday. That begun with Fraser Kyne teaching a grappling session. An experienced instructor and Full instructor and Black belt in the UFA, Fraser's session was excellent and enjoyed by all. That paved the way for Ajarn's session that was technical and excellent. Four hours plus later we were heading off to eat at a local buffet restaurant for a well deserved meal.

Sunday started off with Krabbi Krabong with Bob Spour. This was a well received session that saw a demo at the end recreating a battle scene! Grins were evident on every one's face!! Ajarn then took over raising the pace from the day before and keeping it very technical. The day was finished with Chris Moir, still living off the adrenaline of winning the Last Man Standing competition, sitting his TBA test. This involves scrutiny over the two days, showing his form, technique, Ram Muay and two rounds of hell!

Seven or so years ago, a young guy walked into my class and started training. He applied himself and here he was achieving yet another goal in a year of great achievement for him. This is what AMAG is all about and a moment of pride for me.

Ewen and Bob on Sunday morning

During the day i had some pain in the back that was, I believe, muscular. There were no pain killers so i took a low dose of Ibuprofen that was all that was available. This wasn't a good idea and Ive had a reaction in the side affect of bloating. I went from 75kgs up to 80, and today I was down to 87.5. My legs are showing signs of Edema. I was tired after the weekend and this wasn't helping.

I saw this in the paper about Young Cancer Victims blogs. It's great to see young people standing up and fighting their affliction!

Back teaching!

2010-06-30T20:04:00.004+01:00

Kali's birthday! 8 today!

Last night I taught my first class official. I have taught a couple of one off classes but this is me back to the regular timetable. I feel energised partly due to having two medicines taken off my intake. I have been on the mountain bike and have been more active. I still get tired but I'm doing more. The only way is up!

This weekend I head off to Northampton to attend a seminar with Ajarn Chai. The US based Thai Boxing coach is an annual event and I learn so much. It amazes me that its not better attended and I see people with his badge on their tee shirts but I never see them attend. Isn't that silly!

Teaching at XTS

Sams birthday

2010-06-26T20:03:00.008+01:00

Sam blows the nine candles out!

I took off to Edinburgh on Wednesday at midday in order to take my time. I hadn't driven that far since the operation, but it wasn't a problem and I got there just as England kicked off in the deciding Group game in the World Cup. It was also Sams birthday, he was nine and so after the match we all headed to a pizza place for his Birthday Tea!

Abbie & Steph

I arrived early at clinic and was seen first. Two my drugs were ended. Everything else they were happy about, with the kidneys function improving but the potassium is still high. Then I was told I didn't need to return for a month, which pleased me no end!

I then had a meeting with Professor Forbes about a potential participation in a trial, but he was concerned that, with my activity in contact sports, it was not suitable for me. He did imply that there were other trials that might be of interest and that I was an ideal candidate.

I made it home ok but was very tired later on, even falling asleep in the bath . In the morning I awoke feeling sick and spent a good part of the day in bed, perking up in the evening.

That must have been good medicine as today I went on a bike (Triumph) ride. Just an hour on some of the back roads, not too fast and getting used to the movement and feel again. I had a grin on my face when i got home. My old leathers fell off me when I tried them on first thing so they'll go on Ebay and I went and got a new set from Bert at Ecosse Honda, a set from BKS .

Last Man Standing

2010-06-23T08:28:00.006+01:00

Respects paid before war commences

Im getting things in order before heading down to Edinburgh, a day ahead of Thursdays clinic. I have Sam's ninth birthday tea to attend and if i can set off early enough I can hopefully watch the football with England needing to win to stay in the world cup. I'm driving and am allowing time to take a break so I don't tire myself out.

It's been a busy time over the weekend and it took a few days to recover. We had the fights in Aberdeen and both fighters did really well. Allan won, stopping his more experienced opponent with a cut. Chris had to fight three fights and the second one was a bit of a war. He was still going strong in the third round of the final when his opponent could not continue because of a cut eye. His fitness was far superior to that of his opponents and he really was the Last Man Standing!

I was cornering along with the team of Leigh, Peter, Scott, Chris and Ray and we had a good day at the office. It takes it out of you and because you dont get to fight, you dont get to burn off the stress thats built up.Reward for all that hard work!

So a couple of days of relaxing in very nice weather, where the greenhouse has gone up, the dog panting away trying to find shade and the world cup entertaining us in the dramatic end of the group stages. Feeling good!

Things to do so I'm off! ciao

Friday 18th

2010-06-18T13:28:00.005+01:00

They have dropped my Tacrolimus as the blood results were better from Monday. I'm now down to 0.5mg at night, still on the 1.0mg in the morning. It's not been a great week, but I feel I'm over the worst of it. Next week at clinic I hope that most of my meds will be ended!

I have received many mails of support and it amazes me to discover how others see me. Gary wrote an email, which I'll pass on:

Hello my old friend I'm in shock to find out about ur condition and in awe about the way u have handled it. I was 13yrs old and a white belt when I first met u. You was a brown belt if memory serves me correct at Jav's WU SHU KWAN class at Gilcomstone school away back in the early 80's. In them days there was not much martial arts clubs to pick from apart from Karate,Judo,Lau Gar and Wu Shu.Thanks to u thats all changed now. I guess thats why Im writting this now as not only through martial arts but even working as a door steward u was a great inspiration to me and to alot of others aswell. I wish u and ur family the very best of wishes and Im privaleged to say thats my old friend PAT A TRUE WARRIOR.

The fights are on tomorrow. I'll be involved for as much of it as I can, but I have good people around who can help with the cornering as well. Chris has an 8 man comp, so he needs to win 3 different fights with a possible 11 x 2 minute rounds. He needs to reserve his energy, targetting point scoring techniques to get to the final with energy left. Allan needs to be calmer, be more efficient and try less to 'knock out' as he's sacrificing speed. They will both do well. Marks opponent pulled out so at the moment it doesnt look like there is an opponent, but that might change later today.

The ups and downs

2010-06-16T13:31:00.007+01:00

Fighters training session

Sitting in front of Dr Marianne Nicholson, a consultant in clinical oncology with NHS Grampian, was a wonderful experience. She was ecstatic and was grinning from ear to ear. In her job, she rarely has success stories. Mostly she prolongs life by a few short months, but here she was in front of a patient who had told her he would survive and he'd done it. This is exactly what she lived for in her professional capacity. As she shook my hand goodbye, because it is very unlikely that we will meet in clinic again, I left her walking on the clouds.

That was Monday lunchtime. Earlier at 8.45am i had been in to my local GP for blood tests. I then went home for a sleep before heading to the Oncology appointment in Aberdeen. I have to sleep most mornings, a clear reaction to the potassium levels. My blood pressure on Monday morning was 170 over 110! Whoops!

My weeks medication

I did have a busy weekend. Bob Spour had arrived on Saturday am and we went to the gym where he taught a 3 hour workshop in Muay Thai Boxing and Krabi Krabong. Heading back we ate whilst watching England's opening World Cup game. I feel Capello got things wrong selection wise and the 1-1 flattered the USA but the world cup has been great for my recuperation as it has sent me to sleep many a time!

Sunday we were up early and up to Aberdeen for a fighters session followed by a Self Protection workshop. Bob went south and we went home. Football on and sleep commences!

Kali was meant to be in today for surgery but got a last minute reprieve when a more experienced vet considered that one 'growth' was a cyst and the other a fatty lump. We are to watch them closely though. It was noticeable that Kali was relieved!

Caz and Kali at the vets this morning.

King of the Castle

2010-06-10T18:24:00.008+01:00

Dalhousie Castle

Caz and I set off to Edinburgh on Wednesday, taking advantage of a deal and staying at the plush Dalhousie Castle. We had Kali with us and the place wasn't busy, so the cheap deal had us in the Lodge, separate from the main castle. As it wasn't busy they had moved us into one of their themed rooms (four poster bed - the lot), but as we had the dog, we got a basement room instead. We took advantage of the spa for 50 minutes, which degenerated into a water fight between Caz and myself! We still nipped round to see Rob, Steph, Abbie and Sam though!

Dr Andrew Bathgate saw me in Clinic and has just phoned me on my return. There is still concern about my potassium levels which are high at 7.9 and the creatinine levels are still at 200! They have told me to reduce the Tacrolimus and increase the MMF to try and solve the issue. The kidney issue is caused by the Tacrolimus. My hand has tremors and right now i am very salty in the mouth. It leaves me feeling that I have no energy and giddy at times. There will be several blood tests next week to measure the progress.

On my next visit, which should see the medication greatly reduced, I will meet Professor Forbes and discuss my involvement in a trial. Once i have digested the information I'll discuss it in a later post. I also had an ultrasound scan which seemed to go well.

It was a good clinic and I bumped into James who had been in for the weeks assessment with me. He's 4.5 weeks post transplant and looking very well. It was great to see him in this state as when i was in with him, he was struggling with it all.

I asked about the size of the tumor at the time of the removal of the liver. I was told that there were in fact THREE tumors which if that had been known would have discounted me from Transplant immediately. The sizes of theses tumors were 3.7cm, 20mm and 5mm. There was no intrusion into arteries or veins, meaning that there is virtually no fear that the cancer spread.

Monday I went up and took the Filipino Martial Arts class. I really enjoyed it but Tuesday i was tired. I made it back to the gym to work on the roller door that has broken but was exhausted at night.

World cup starts tomorrow. I'll enjoy that. I'll support England but the African teams will no doubt excite. Argentina should be great to watch depending on the Maradonna factor - genius or madman - but the favourite, Spain, I don't think will win it. Watch out for the dark horses Holland and Brazil. It is going to be a good one I think!

Mother Theresa once said: "Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."

Kali the Deer hunter

2010-06-07T21:56:00.003+01:00

This is our evening habit. We walk down to the Dee and we 'hunt' the deer. It can involve just staying still for 10 minutes, something that wasn't natural to her at first. However she has learnt to stay quiet and be patient and the deer will move. As you can see, she's ready to go at the slightest movement. She's not fast enough for the deer so they are safe.

In the second video, she's trying to find her bone. She hid it somewhere but can't remember where.

Postcards fae Aboyne

2010-06-05T15:26:00.007+01:00

The old Deeside Railway route.

sunday get together

2010-06-03T19:37:00.000+01:00

morning breakfast

Caz invited a group out from AMAG to celebrate my birthday. A nice surprise and it was a lovely day where people relaxed and simply enjoyed each others company. We had gone to a local restaurant on the Saturday night in Aboyne and had a lovely meal. Unfortunately the weather wasn't the best on Sunday but being stuck inside with this bunch wasnt so hard!

I'm currently around 74.8kg, probably the lightest I have been since the age of three. I've had a 24 hour stomach bug (lets hope it's just 24 hours) so I'm probably lighter today. Still, its been a great week weather wise.

t-Week 8

2010-05-28T19:10:00.013+01:00

Recuperation's a chore at times

I get anxious when I attend clinic and I will have seen that I don't know the Doctors running it. Familiarity is important, at least for me, where I don't need to feel that I must 'educate' the Doctor to see me in a different light than they might do with the rest of their patients.

I'd traveled down the afternoon before on the train and was picked up outside Waverley station by Rob and taken off to his house outside Dalkeith. Steph (his wife) and Abbie and Sam were there although the kids were off to Guides and cricket practice respectively. While they were out we ate and chatted around the table for most of the night.

Up early in the morning and Steph dropped me off at the hospital having sent Rob and the kids off to their schools. I was in before 9 so I nipped up and said Hello to the Ward Sister. I was then in early with my book waiting for the 9.30 start of clinic. Whilst my appointment wasn't till 11.30am, I had been assured that if you get in early you tend to get seen earlier. I hoped that would allow me to jump onto an earlier train home.

As it was, I wasn't seen till 11am, mainly due to unforseen delays. I was called in by the more senior of the two doctors, in this case Dr A J MacGilchrist. Straight away I was put at ease when he introduced himself, saying that whilst we hadn't met he had been aware of me from the initial application. He explained he was going to change some of my medication, mainly the Azathioprine, replacing it with Mycophenolate(MMF). This will be better for my kidneys and will allow them to reduce the Tacrolimus quicker.

Generally he was very happy with my progress and with a month to go before many of the medicines are stopped it is encouraging to see someone with his experience tweaking the medicine in order to get the best out of it for me. A great clinic visit.

A taxi to Waverley and there was an earlier train, but because I'd taken advantage of a cheaper fare I couldn't change my times. I had an hour to wait which ended up with me buying a pair of 32" jeans and some kids toys for a birthday coming up - not mine I should add which is on Sunday! I'm eating well but I am down to 75.1kg! I'm wearing clothes in sizes that I haven't been able to get into since my teens!

Last Friday we had an abrupt end to the sunny scorcher with a monsoon type rain fall. Caz was unable to get into Aberdeen as the roads were closed around Aboyne. Elsewhere they never had a drop but that is the micro climate of this area. After a great weekend where we had a lovely meal on Saturday at the Longino's, I drove in to Aberdeen on Monday for the first time and went to the gym. Perry came past to see me and I gave some advice to the fighters training. Three people didn't recognise me at first! That was my first trip in by myself and I managed it ok. I was a bit tired the following day but I was visited by Kenny - an old doorman colleague, club student and friend - before he shoots off to Abu Dhabi for work. Big thanks to those who make the effort to visit - it gets boring at times this recuperation lark!

Today, I went up to my work and popped in to say hi to people. I had a chat with pals, colleagues, bosses and HR. It is only roughly a month away before I could return gradually to work. Its been a long journey for me and some of them have been on that journey with me in the sense that they have been impacted from the day I told them that I had cancer. It was good to see them and the place was busy and healthy too.

In the morning, I am going up to the gym and will cover the class and teach for the first time in a while. I wont do anything other than speak, but it should be good to do!

Burn O'Vat

2010-05-21T08:30:00.004+01:00

Caz and Kali

We went to the Burn O'Vat for a walk yesterday on another gorgeous day. The Burn O'Vat is next to Loch Kinord at Dinnet and is a beautiful area to experience. The Vat itself was used as a hiding hole by robbers who stole from the Royal estates, whilst it was often visited by Queen Victoria.

Do pets look like their owners? ; )

I have noticed my nails that had become thin and brittle during the cancer medication, have become thicker and stronger. I'm also have hair on my forearms again and rough stubble rather than the bum fluff that had developed.

Burn O'Vat

Loch Kinord

Find out for yourself

Posted:

Questioner: Why are some people born in poor circumstances, while others are rich and well-to-do?

Krishnamurti: What do you think? Instead of asking me and waiting for my answer, why do you not find out what you feel about it? Do you think it is some mysterious process which you call karma? In a former life you lived nobly and therefore you are now being rewarded with wealth and position! Is that it? Or, having acted very badly in a former life, you are paying for it in this life!

You see, this is really a very complex problem. Poverty is the fault of society - a society in which the greedy and the cunning exploit and rise to the top. We want the same thing, we also want to climb the ladder and get to the top. And when all of us want to get to the top, what happens? We tread on somebody; and the man who is trodden on, who is destroyed, asks, "Why is life so unfair? You have everything and I have no capacity, I have nothing".

As long as we go on climbing the ladder of success, there will always be the sick and the unfed. It is the desire for success that has to be understood, and not why there are the rich and the poor, or why some have talent and others have none. What has to be changed is our own desire to climb, our desire to be great, to be a success. We all aspire to succeed, do we not? There lies the fault, and not in karma or any other explanation.

The actual fact is that we all want to be at the top - perhaps not right at the top, but at least as high up the ladder as we can climb. As long as there is this drive to be great, to be somebody in the world, we are going to have the rich and the poor, the exploiter and those who are exploited. - Life Ahead Part One Chapter 4

A Scorcher!

2010-05-19T14:16:00.008+01:00

27 degrees according to the car temp and that wasn't at the hottest part of the day! It's been a scorcher and no cold breeze of the North Sea to spoil it, one of the reasons Aboyne was high on our list of where we wanted to live.

Gettingup around 7.30am, I took my daily feast of tablets as required and decided to take Kali up to the Bridge and Tower of Ess at the Glen Taner Estate. It was sunny and warm and we walked up the incline and dropped down to the river.

Whilst we didnt really go that far, it was a decent walk for me, especially wit the incline and I wasnt exhausted afterwards.

I wore my new Vibram Five Fingers (VFF) which are my second pair and are more for trail walking/running. These simulate you being barefoot, with a vibram sole that protects our soft feet from the likes of stones or over objects that could harm. It does improve your posture and my feet feel so much better than being cramped into ill fitting shoes. This replicates how we are designed to be rather than indulging in the over engineered cushioned athletic shoes that are/were the fashion.
[If you look at the section "Blogs I Read", I first got info about VFF from the Traceless Warrior. If you look back in his archives you will find a lot of info]

The difference that Im feeling is that I can feel myself getting stronger, I'm not exerting myself too much but I feel that I am on the eve of a new dawn. I have a refurbished Spinning bike that I will soon be working out on. I will be trying to increase the strength in my legs, my cardio and endurance without hitting the core muscles that are fragile at the moment. I find it bizarre that I'm eating ok, not exercising a lot but my weight is today at 76.9kg, 12 stone!

See if you can read the inscription on this?

Promising feedback

2010-05-14T19:01:00.004+01:00

After a week of feeling a bit run down, waking in teh mornings feeling a bit sickly, Thursday's visit to ERI Clinic was a bit of an anxious one. The one before had not been the best and I was worried that there may be something underlying that they may pick up on.

Being awake at 5am didn't help , even though I did sleep a good bit in the car, so when Caz dropped me off at the clinic - she takes Kali for a walk during this time - I knew my blood pressure reading would be high. Presenting myself at the reception, they looked bemused as I wasn't on the list! Turned out someone had entered the wrong date and to be fair I didn't have to wait long.

This week i got to see a Professor Forbes who had been involved with me throughout, although I couldn't say whether he had taken any active part in the surgery. He was there on every doctors visit so had seen me in various states. He looked at me and went back in his seat and said "You are looking well" already making it a good visit!

Based on what he saw and the discussion he reduced the steroid I take to just 10mg and the Tacrolimus to 1.5mg twice a day. He stressed that once I reach 3 months, most of the medication will be stopped and the whole world will seem a lot different. This was encouraging. To top the visit they also said I could go onto fortnightly visits, which is earlier than normal.

I slept on the way home. I had a relaxing evening, reading my book and watching some of the recent UFC.

Today I have felt invigorated. I walked a good two walks, the morning one being at a quicker pace. I pottered about in the garden, read and felt generally a lot better than I have for a week or so. I saw the Longino's the other day, who live on the other side of the hill - Tarland way - and it was mentioned how much better I look than pre op. After the good clinic visit I am starting to feel it as well! Might be down to Kali's ritual ceremony of watering the standing stones!

This weekend we go to celebrate Caz's nieces birthday up in Inverness. I'll keep away from the party as kids tend to carry a lot of illnesses that I shouldn't be near right now. With the FA Cup on I'll be tuned in and hopefully Chelsea will win the double. I turned down a ticket for the Wembley game as I am not well enough to endure the trip. Next year though!

A violet can never become a rose, but the violet in itself can be a perfect flower.

Presumed Consent

2010-05-09T14:07:00.004+01:00

In a television advertisement to be aired in Wales this month, Kerrianne Phillips is filmed in her hospital bed as if it were on death row. She has been ill for a very long time and needs a new liver, but there are simply not enough. It is proposed that a system of presumed consent could replace donor cards in Wales by spring next year - discussed here.

Now, I was lucky in that it took 15 days and I was a priority, unlike Kerrieanne. I can now look forward to a longer life whilst she is still trapped in her pain. There are many children waiting for livers to become available as well.

The problem I have with the presumed consent is that it takes the principle that the State owns your body. Yet it is clear that people who may well agree with donorship simply are not signing up and carrying a card. It could be something that they are asked on every visit to their Doctors surgery as an annual question. There must be a way of having a regular approach to those who have not signed up without resorting to State Control.

Please, please, do sign up if you agree with your organs giving life to others. This link will show you how easy it is!

Week 5 post op

2010-05-09T12:54:00.007+01:00

Monday was a blast. I was full of energy after a relaxing weekend and so I went up with Caz to the gym. Unlike the previous week where I found it very hard to deal with it emotionally, I was relaxed and empowered by being there.

Tuesday saw me a little bit more tired as I had done so much the day before, and so I spent most of the day taking it easily. It was during the night though that I awoke with a stabbing pain in my side.

This continued throughout Wednesday and I nipped into the Dr's to check it out. There was no infection but it was a kidney issue, or thought to be. When I breathed in, yawned or - the worst - hiccuped then I had a stabbing pain right through the kidney. Maybe it was inflamed, but at least it wasn't the liver!

So Thursday we set off as usual to Edinburgh for clinic. Paracetamol had taken the edge off the pain but it was still there. I took a bag in case they kept me in. Clinics up to now have been with the same doctor and Transplant Coordinator. This time though is was a new Dr, not yet up to speed with the ways of the clinic.

I found myself less engaged than usual, almost sulking that I didn't get the normal Dr who to be honest has been good for me in that she always promotes the positive. I had blood and urine tests taken and also a scan of the chest. I haven't heard from them so there can't be anything seriously wrong.

We went around to see Steph and the kids (Sam and Abbie) and had a bite to eat and a cup of tea. The kids played with Kali while we discussed their recent Dutch trip. Rob had assembled the shed that he'd picked up on the previous Friday. Then we set off on our way home.

These trips take it out of me so Friday was a daze. Caz has been working a lot so I have been walking the dog a lot, gently stretching the distances. Boothy - who lives just down the road and used to work on the doors with me in the 80's - came round on Friday and took me to see his Dads hen set up. It wont be long before we have some egg layers our selves.

Kali in the meantime has been chasing the deer in the woods, which has become a daily event. We walk down to the Dee and soak up teh warm sun before going round to an area where the deer are usually hanging out. Kali, being a boxer, usually goes in the wrong direction if you point, so I have got her used to her running in the facing direction when I crouch down. She'll never catch them but it gives her a blast and she comes back and sleeps contently.

So it's Sunday today, I've been up early with anticipation. Nothing to to do with the DemCon
talks but the fact that we are going to be 90 minutes away from winning the Title. Chelsea are playing Wigan on the last day of the season and simply need to win to be crowned champions!

If I was down there I'd have gone to the Mona Lisa on the Kings Road for breakfast, for a fry up
and a mug of tea. I'll then wander down the New Kings Rd on my way to the White Horse at Parsons Green. But i'll pop through Hortensia Rd to get onto the Fulham Rd and walk past the Black Bull and then the ground taking in the atmosphere. Right along passing and taking a nosey at the badge sellers, with the fried onions and sizzling meats filling the air.

Past the So Bar where the crowd have already spilled out onto the sunny pavement, voices raised in excitement, upto the stalls with tee shirts, fanzines, books and scarfs, before turning down the Cedame Rd, cutting through the Walham Green and eventually getting to the pub.

Its busy and everyones outside so you push through the crowds looking for a familiar face........

After a pint or two of Fullers, I'd leave to get to the ground via the stalls again getting to the ground before the last minute rush. Standing at my seat, I'd look around at the stadium that isnt simply a concrete bowl, despite being rebuilt from the old stadium, full of atmosphere that many stadiums have lost.

and then the game begins...........................

It's just past the 40th anniversary of the FA Cup win where we beat Leeds in a fierce encounter. My pal Ben was there yesterday to see them get promoted to the Championship.

I hope they get back to the top tier not only for the six points we'll get but so that I can join Ben in a trip both Home and Away! He'll have to stay off the pitch though!

My Surgeon who did such a great job!

Professor Stephen Wigmore
Consultant Surgeon at Edinburgh Royal infirmary Transplant Unit

MD
FRCS(Ed)
FRCS

Stephen Wigmore graduated from King’s College School of Medicine and Dentistry and after two further years in London moved to Edinburgh to undertake his basic and higher surgical training with Prof Sir David Carter and Prof James Garden. His thesis on hepatic acute phase protein expression in cancer was followed by a visiting post doctoral scholarship at the University of California San Francisco, as a Yamagiwa Yoshida Fellow of the UICC with Dr Bill Welch and on his return he was awarded an Advanced Fellowship by the Wellcome Trust. He held this post as a senior lecturer and honorary consultant surgeon at the Scottish Liver Transplant Unit, Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh. He was appointed Professor of Transplantation Surgery at the University of Birmingham and Liver Unit, Queen Elizabeth Medical Centre in 2005. Returning as Professor of Transplantation Surgery in Edinburgh in 2007.

His clinical interests lie in liver transplantation and resectional surgery and his principal research focus is on the cell and molecular biology of organ pre-conditioning and stress protein expression. Other research interests include the Kupffer cell, innate immunity, endotoxin handling and functional assessment of the liver in the context of surgery and transplantation.

Publications

Over the weekend

2010-05-04T18:38:00.000+01:00

Last Thursday's clinic was a good one. My potassium was down to 5 but before they knew that from the blood tests, they gave me a tub of Calcium Resonium to use. This is a calcium powder mixed with some water that tastes like liquid chalk.

<-- Caz driving through Glenshee

When I got back from Edinburgh I took two drinks and one in the morning before I got a phone call telling me not to use it as my levels were just 5. Oh well! At least the weather was great and I enjoyed the garden.

I also got a bit of a lecture, a warning. Seeing that I am doing very well and knowing that I'm keen to be better the Transplant Team are worried that I do too much. They went to great lengths to explain that the organs, blood vessels etc around the liver have a lot of micro stitches that will not survive if I start exercising that area. I can walk and work my arms but that is it till 3 months are past.

So I have been walking with Kali and now can walk around 3 miles without being too exhausted. My legs have a limited endurance but I'm feeling the improvement. I can see the improvement in my general appearance too.

Friday night saw a visit from Edinburgh Rob with his son Sam and pal Andrew who came and picked up a shed that I had and didn't want. I was visited by Ollie Chew on Saturday, a long term student of AMAG and a fellow motorcyclist. Sunday saw Perry come out and spend the night, so all in all a welcome distraction of visitors from the monotony of home life. In the meantime, three AMAG fighters were down in Dunfermline winning their fights, a testimony to the strength of AMAG.

I went in on Monday night to the gym while Caz trained. Not as emotional as the previous visit and I was feeling great being there. It was a long day but I was doing well. I was tired this morning though!

Tomorrow I am going to look at a Chicken coop that we might imitate for when we get our hens. I'm also going into the woods to pick up twigs for kindling for the fire. Kali will chase the deer while I collect and recycle dead wood.

Read more here.

Movin' on

2010-04-27T20:47:00.005+01:00

I spent the Thursday night in ARI with an infusion that put 2.5 litres into me and I had several calcium drinks that was literally liquid chalk. This brought the potassium down to 5 and the next afternoon I was allowed home.

Hospital isn't a place for rest and so after the Thursdays clinic trip and the night in ARI I was completed exhausted and the weekend showed it. It wasn't until Sunday late afternoon that I perked up and in the warm sun I took Kali for a walk.

Monday morning wasn't that great but after an afternoon nap I was able to accompany Caz up to the gym. This was more of an emotional test than a physical one but I came away stronger having talked with a select few. If I didn't speak to anyone reading this pleas don't take any disrespect, I had to manage what I was going through. I'll catch you soon.

Today I woke up feeling sick and spent the day doing paperwork. I then walked a decent walk that I would do pre-op, so that has lifted me. That's two major steps in the gym visit and a long walk.

Clinic

2010-04-22T16:41:00.004+01:00

Caz drove me down and back for the clinic in Edinburgh. Its a 30 minute appointment where they take bloods, change doses in medication, check the wound etc. The Dr laughed when she saw me as i was walking briskly and compared to others 3 1/2 weeks after Transplant, she couldn't believe the progress in me!

My creatinine levels have dropped from a high of around 500 down to 166 which means the kidneys are working on getting rid of waste. However my potassium does seem to be sensitive.

I just got in and received a follow up call and, as my potassium has jumped up to 6.6, I am sitting here waiting for a call to go to into ARI overnight where they will treat it with fluid and medication. I'm shattered from the day, so its the last thing I want to do but needs must.

We took the Glenshee road over the mountains down to Perth. A lovely run, can't wait to do it again on the Triumph during the summer!

Milestone

2010-04-21T12:03:00.003+01:00

Another Milestone achieved, the first being to get home.

Today I walked the dog down to the River Dee and back.

Some of you might want to sign here to stop legalization of whale hunting

Home

2010-04-20T18:54:00.003+01:00

Having spent most of the day in a waiting room reading my book, the blood results today showed a decrease in potassium and in general an improvement and so they said i could go home.

Guess i'll just have to get used to this as the medicines get adjusted.

Potassium, along with calcium and sodium, is an electrolyte (mineral salt) important to the human nervous system, muscle function, fluid balance and heart, kidney and adrenal functions.

HIGH potassium (more than 225 milligrams per 1/2 c. serving)

High potassium levels can be very dangerous –if you do need to watch your potassium intake, it is important. Blood tests will show how you are doing.

Main sources of potassium and alternatives A basic guide on common high potassium foods to avoid hyperkalaemia:

HIGH POTASSIUM (To limit or avoid)
Drinks Fruit and Vegetable Juices, Coffee; Milk or milky drinks– up to ½ pint/day. Beer, cider, lager, sherry, wine
All dried fruit, Bananas, mango, grapes, apricots, rhubarb, fresh grapefruit, pineapple
Tomatoes, beetroot, plantain, mushrooms, sweet corn, avocadoes, aubergine, parsnip, spinach
Chocolate, toffee, liquorice, black treacle. Marzipan
Snacks All nuts, All potato crisps, Bombay mix
Baked or Roast potatoes, Chips
IMPORTANT – AVOID ALL SALT SUBSTITUTES (e.g. Lo Salt)

LOWER POTASSIUM ALTERNATIVES
All fizzy drinks, Cordials and squashes, Tea, Fruit tea, Spirits
Apples, Pears, Tinned Fruit (drained of juice)
All boiled vegetables, onion, carrot, turnip, cabbage, cauliflower, lettuce, cucumber, celery
Boiled sweets, mints, fruit pastels, chewing gum, jam, honey, syrup
Snacks made from wheat, corn or rice (e.g.Doritos, Wotsits, Skips),Popcorn
Boiled potatoes. Rice, Pasta, Noodles, Bread

Readmitted

2010-04-20T11:28:00.002+01:00

I have been called in to Aberdeen Royal Infirmary as potassium levels have gone up. I will be kept overnight at least, although i'm still to keep my appointment at clinic in Edinburgh on Thursday.

Visitors

2010-04-19T12:52:00.005+01:00

I'm feeling a lot stronger. My kidneys are working and I've been measuring my fluid intake/output since Saturday. it equals out and what a difference! My potassium levels have dropped to 5.0 from 6.2 and i expect today's blood results to see a further drop.

I had some welcome visitors over the weekend. Saturday saw my son Perry grab a lift off Bill Mutch and so a great afternoon of chat which exhausted me out. Sunday saw Peter and Paula Richardson, Gillian and Graham Williams come past at different times. All these broke the monotony and were a welcome sight, but it tires me out, in a good way.

Peter and Paula gave me some exercise bands which are really welcome especially as my arms are so skinny. Bicep 28cm, chest 105cm. I've never been so small, well - since I was small! Ill measure them weekly from now on. Im 78kg (12.3 stone/172lb).

They also brought along Deezal, a young Rhodesian Ridgeback pup that played with our aging lady.

Kali and a young enthusiastic Deezal

Gillian and Graham had been hill walking. Grahams about to walk around the alps in one go, having done all the Munro's continuously, so I'll be following his progress with interest in the next six months.

Over the last 3 months I have heard the sensationalist screaming of climate deniers jumping on any bandwagon that calls into question the science. That's OK as science has to be challenged and what survives the scrutiny has value in the scientific community. What is happening with the 'email hacking' incident - which was claimed to show it was all a lie - has not seen anything but profound silence after the independent inquiry totally exonerated the supposed corrupt scientist. You can read about it here.

Its typical of the world where the media sensationalist to pander to the prejudices of their audience. How many people though have been influenced by the loudmouths who are not savvy to the long term facts, who are simply influenced by corporate sponsored denier groups? We live in a throw away society and I for one spend my life doing the opposite.

I'll be spending my time of recuperation in the garden when I can, creating along with Caz a garden that will also produce food. I encourage you to read into permaculture and even if you have just a small garden in a city you can still turn it into something and this has been proved by Spiralseed. I know that it is close to election time, but I have advocated all my adult life self responsibility.

I dont want to sit back and expect a politician to organise my life with 2 minute moments of hate as portrayed in Orwell's 1984. I dont want to be a product or a pawn for some globalised profit making scheme that leaves victims everywhere. I want my life to be an example of what can be and with this 'second' chance I wont be changing too much but I wont be idling either.

We are not saying "Don't Vote". Whether we vote or not, or who we vote for, is largely unimportant. What is important is realising that it is not a cross on a piece of paper which counts, but how we spend the rest of our lives. Real change comes about not because we vote for it, but because we fight for it, shout for it, work for it. Placing hopes and fears on who holds power, or who will gain power through voting, is wasting time which might be spent in creating alternatives, both for ourselves and for our communities. Whether you choose to vote or not does not interest us. But we ask you: Organise! Educate! Participate! - Chumbawamba Statement - 1987

Pictures from Hospital

2010-04-17T12:30:00.003+01:00

In the HDU - Dialisys

End of week 2

Kidney issues

2010-04-16T12:41:00.004+01:00

Relaxing in the garden

My potassium levels are at 6.2. What that means, apparently is that the kidneys are not working properly. Since i have been drinking 2.5 litres a day of fluids, I'm not urinating it out. I was avoiding fruit and chocolate because they have high potassium levels.

The shock of coming out of hospital may have triggered it but it may be my Tacrolimus that is causing it. Tacrolimus is an immunosuppressant that i will take for the rest of my life, stopping my body rejecting the liver.

I got to see a new side to other peoples kidney issues whilst at hopsital. Some of the Dialysis centres deal with 100 people a day. About 40,000 patients in the UK are receiving dialysis or have functioning kidney transplants, which are grouped together as Renal Replacement Therapy, RRT. With the rise in child obesity and our societies reliance on fast processed food this is a number that could explode.

Kali comes home today, having spent the last few weeks in Inverness. That will bring it all together, that I have no doubt!

Congratulations to an old pal who moved to New Zealand and with his wife have just given birth to their daughter Lucia. A Chelsea babygrow will be dispatched asap!

“See you on the other side!”

2010-04-15T17:12:00.007+01:00

Faced with driving myself down I took the route over the Cairn o’Mount which slowed me down and made an anxious journey a pleasant one. It was a swift but relaxed drive that saw me arrive at the Edinburgh RI Transplant Unit at 12.30. At the same time Caz had been up in Nairn with some of her pals on a spa weekend and had just made it back too the house where Kali was returning from a walk with a near friend.

I went upto Ward 206 and was met by the surgeon and the main Transplant team. Signing consent forms, I was informed the liver was in good condition. I changed into the gown and gave Caz the final call, saying “See you on the other side!”.

I was wheeled into the anaesthetic section and I don't recall anything else after that. According to report, I had an 8 hour operation that went without anything special happening. I was recovered but left in a sedated state until Wednesday morning. In the meantime Caz had made here way down and collected my stuff and simply had to hang around and stress.
I awoke on the Wednesday morning to the sound of a near patient shouting. If you read the Nov 08 operation you’d see the significance of this as it was a similar situation. I remained in ICU till that evening before moving into the HDU.

The HDU was quieter and you had a dedicated nurse. I was walked, washed, given dialysis, fed and given the concoction of drugs to make sure the Liver was not rejected. Dialysis was required to kick start the kidneys which had closed down in shock.

This was particularly harrowing as i was hallucinating heavily both visually and aurally. There was a picture by Van Gogh that was very much in my focus and caused some distress. I had an oxygen feed to my nose and this ran past my ear lobe causing a ‘rushing’ sound that led me to believe i was listening to he radio or music when i attached myself to a note!

On the Saturday evening i was moved up to the ward, a room shared by 4 of us. Whilst this gave me an outlet to communicate more, it was a very strange and hostile change. The first night I heavily hallucinated neon lizards climbing around the walls whilst I made a reality from the noises i heard, creating a madness that lasted all night. This happened for three nights and I was comforted only by talking to others who also said that they hallucinated because of the drugs.

I had no energy, trying too get up was nearly impossible and my thighs burnt as if after a long cycle sprint, simply from standing up. I needed to get more O2 into my body and they gave me The Bird which was featured on the previous video. This soon got my lungs working and I started to build energy in a very limited supply.

I knew if I wanted to get home that I had to start ticking the boxes, and since home means self medication I took control of my medication quickly. Not a hard task for me as I had self medicated for over a year on Cancer treatment.

Sleep was scarce as the nature of the hospital is that of a busy place. I rested when i could, exercised by walking around the wards, ate well and drank loads of fluid essential for the kidneys to operate.

I had a few visitors which helped break the monotony and Im eternally grateful to Caz for being there as well as the support to her from Rob, Steph and Julie. Visits from Perry, Wendy, Angie, Henry and even Justin who was over from NZ. As i was emotionally exhausted i kept away from the phone and the internet.

Two weeks after this major operation I was allowed home, well in advance of some who’d had their transplant a week before me. Coming home was a test in its own right and I went into a sort of shock but with the restful sleeps I could now have I have over come. After two years of fighting cancer and several more on top of that of poor health, I’m exhausted and relishing recovery time.

Today, Caz drove us down to Edinburgh for the weekly clinic I will attend for quite a while. They have taken blood in order to see if i need to adjust the medication but are in general very positive about my progress. There will be no doubt trials I’ll yet have to face and I haven’t even touched the emotional side of what has happened yet, so this episode is far from over. I do remind myself every now and then that I have beaten Cancer where many expected me to give up or be another statistic.

Instead the Cancer specialists are arguing over the liver as it could hold the key to getting Sorafenib more readily available on the NHS. I may be the first in the UK, definitely in Scotland to have responded in Liver Cancer with this medication, but as readers of this blog I am sure you’ll agree its more than just the drug, Its the whole attitude!

Pat exercising his lungs

2010-04-06T20:36:00.001+01:00

somewhat weakened, pat raised his spirits to show one of the exercises he is using post transplant

The Otherside

2010-03-31T10:52:00.002+01:00

We are now into day 4, and it has been a long 3 days.
After about a 8 hour operation, Pat was taken back to Intensive Care where he was kept sedated until last night, this was due to the fact that the stomach area was too swollen for surgeons to sew him back up at the time. So for the last 2 days he has been on a ventilator, kidney dialysis machine to help the kidneys to function, as they can be in a bit of shock, many various drips and machines.
Yesterday late afternoon they took Pat back down to theatre to sew him up :).
During the night they have slowly taken him out of sedation and off the ventilator. They are getting happier with the liver results and how it's settling into its new home :)
Again I would like to say a huge thankyou to everyone for their kind wishes and your support during his illness, hopefully now onwards and upwards xxxxx Caz

other side

2010-03-30T14:42:00.002+01:00

Its been a long 2 days, where Pat has been operated on and has been under sedation ever since. After the 8 hours or so operation there was too much swelling around the abdomen for surgeons to be happy sewing him up, so they packed him ice packs, or something, and kept him under sedation so they could monitor him easier.
Its now 14.30 on day 3 and I'm waiting for the phone call to say he has been sewn up and is back in the HDU.
All test and signs are good so far but its only the nurse in the unit who have given me information

Phone call

2010-03-28T09:37:00.001+01:00

Just received the phone call, Waiting for the ambulance to take me to my new liver. Should be operated on about 2pm as long as new liver is ok.
See you on the other side!

Optimist

2010-03-26T09:23:00.004Z

Aboyne

Im under 13 stone! I recall training around 1989 usually 3 or 4 sessions a day, including a lunchtime session with Mohssen who was getting ready for the Knockdown British Championships which he went on to win.

I was a mountainbike courier for Wolfpack - a co-operative that we had set up and so was on the bike all day. Id work on the bar and/or nightclub door at night and run home afterwards. I couldnt get below 12.5 stone.

I have got rid of a lot of redundant muscle mass so when i get back to full fitness I'll be starting with a fresh canvass! Im eating well, small portions but all the boxes are ticked. Ive just about cleared my cough and sinus issue, although Caz is still struggling.

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

Caz's father, Hamish, has recently appeared on Countdown, to be aired on the 6th. Dont worry, I'll be recording it for prosperity as well as for any boo boos he commits!

Meanwhile there is a SIX letter option on this one!

Countdown: Rachel Riley winces as she puts up the letters

Countdown co-presenter Rachel Riley was left cringing on Tuesday's show after the F-word popped up on the letter board, report the Sun and Star. Host Jeff Stelling grinned when he noticed that the letters U, D, F, C, K, and E spelled out a six-letter version of the swearword. The contestants prevented any embarassment by opting for the five-letter words "Faced" and "Caged" instead. Meanwhile, the dictionary team picked the seven-letter "Dockage" and "Dogface".

Identification

Posted:

The other day as one was walking along a secluded wooded lane far from the noise and the brutality and the vulgarity of civilization, right away from everything that was put together by man, there was a sense of great quietness, enveloping all things - serene, distant and full of the sound of the earth. As you walked along quietly, not disturbing the things of the earth around you, the bushes, the trees, the crickets and the birds, suddenly round a bend there were two small creatures quarrelling with each other, fighting in their small way. One was trying to drive off the other. The other was intruding, trying to get into the other's little hole, and the owner was fighting it off. Presently the owner won and the other ran off. Again there was quietness, a sense of deep solitude. And as you looked up, the path climbed high into the mountains, the waterfall was gently murmuring down the side of the path; there was great beauty and infinite dignity, not the dignity achieved by man that seems so vain and arrogant. The little creature had identified itself with its home, as we human beings do. We are always trying to identify ourselves with our race, with our culture, with those things which we believe in, with some mystical figure, or some saviour, some kind of super authority. Identifying with something seems to be the nature of man. Probably we have derived this feeling from that little animal. - Krishnamurti to Himself Ojai California Tuesday 10th March, 1983

cough cough

2010-03-23T23:55:00.003Z

Suffering from sinus congestion which is causing a cough. This in turn is giving regular headaches and tiring me out. Still, could be worse....

The prescription got messed up for the Sorafenib, so i have not had any for a week, which does give withdrawal symptoms that coupled with the coughing has not been nice. My weight has stabilized around 83.5kg.

Dog On Trampoline! - Watch more Funny Videos

Weight Drop

2010-03-17T19:10:00.003Z

When i was admitted to hospital they weighed me in my clothes whilst i sat in a scales chair. I was at 92kg, so reckon 91 would be a more accurate weight.

Today i weighed 83.4 kg, some 9 days later. My belly has disappeared. To give you a visualisation, have you ever seen a drinker who is quite thin but has a prominent beer belly poking out the front? That is the fluid retained by a dysfunctional liver.

that fluid has now left its vessel, to such an extent that I struggling to get energy right now. I am trying to eat more - i can only handle small portions - but spreading it out through the day.

I am not nervous, anxious or stressed out by the phone ringing. I find myself calm. After all, I have been through a major operation before and I came out still ill but still fighting. They threw everything but the kitchen sink at me then and so I don't think this could be as traumatic as then. Besides i can deal with it.

Think back to moments in your life in which you were totally happy and fulfilled. Psychologist defined it as the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing via a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity.

Take a moment and fully contemplate the meaning of those words. Full immersion and full involvement. This is attention. A state of being conscious of every detail as it flows past.

no

2010-03-15T21:28:00.001Z

.....not yet!

; )

On the list

2010-03-13T10:12:00.005Z

They said I could give up at any time, that I wouldn't beat the machine, but they ended up turning the machine off

Well that's me on the list, it was confirmed about 4pm on Friday but I'd felt I'd won it earlier on. I had to do a fitness test on the friday morning on the bicycle, linked up to a computer. The Dr overseeing the testing said at one point that I should give up when I felt ready, and a couple of minutes laughed that I wouldn't beat the machine. He turned it off two minutes later.
Then I had a meet with the surgeon. He was very much disengaged from personality but in the end he was chatting with me freely. I knew then I had his vote. Their major concern is me jumping back into physical training too quickly. I dealt with that.

There was a consideration that as i have a ticking time bomb in my body that they would simply take the first liver regardless of condition, even one they would normally refuse but after a call to BUPA, it was confirmed that my Sorafenib medication would be extended for 6 months. This allows them to make sure i don't get a liver with a tumour in it or with any other disease.

I saw two people during my stay who have both had transplants so I learnt a lot from them, one of which had returned to competitive contact sport withing 18 months. They say it takes a year to really recover and I am not allowed to travel abroad before then.

So thats it! I cant go further than an hour from my house and the tendency is that the phone call will come after 8pm. An ambulance will be dispatched and about 6am I will be operated on, an 8 hour operation. There is the chance that I will wake up and it has not happened as the liver was refused as being poor quality. I'll have to deal with that when it happens.

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more
experiments you make, the better."

day 3

2010-03-10T21:59:00.000Z

Happy Birthday to my sister. 21+vat!!

I have had breathing tests which I did well and an ECG. Caz and I had a discussion with a transplant coordinator who told us the facts of being on the list.

When I get a call they will send the ambulance to me. I will be prepped for surgery but I could wake up with a new liver or not if it's not considered suitable. That must be hard!

Afterwards I could be in hospital for 10 days to 5 weeks. After getting home I have to attend clinic weekly to monitor my state. As time goes on the intervals increase. I will feel my optimum after 1 year and I can't travel abroad till then.

Each case is individual so these are guidelines. Tomorrow I'll see psychiatrists etc and get my endoscopy. Friday I get a fitness test on a stationary bike and I'll hear the decision late afternoon.

I came in bloated and they weighed me at 92kg. Tonight I'm at 88 and you can see the water retention has decreased.

Day 2

2010-03-09T11:00:00.000Z

It's was a long day yesterday. Getting here I was immediately swarmed upon and I saw a dietician and a Transplant Consultant. She explained the parameters of the weeks assessment and laid out the bare facts that there are not enough livers out there to serve the ammount looking for one.

I was wisked away for a MRI scan where they injected me with an iron solution to get a better image of the liver.

Visitors came to see me including Caz, so that was great. I didn't get a great sleep though. I'm in a 4 man ward and one person has had a kidney transplant and is drinking about 4.5 litres a day which means he gets up for the toilet and turns the light on every time.

Another admission came in for a hernia but he's in with us because he's had a liver transplant 10 years ago. It has been great to hear his story as he returned to competitive rugby a year after the op. Fate brought us together and his story balances the over cautios nature of the medical advise.

I was meant to have an endoscopy today to check on the varicies in the esophagus. It has been delayed till Thursday maybe. They have till Friday tea time after all.

Off to Edinburgh

2010-03-07T12:34:00.003Z

Well that's me off to Edinburgh. Caz joins me tomorrow and I'll be in for the week, hopefully set free on Friday. This is the starting point where I will be put on the list and a cure will not be far away.

We had a good run down to Lanark yesterday, a 12 hour stint for a 4 minute fight. Allan pulled it off but there's a lot to learn from this fight for him.

I think the rest in hospital will be much needed

Caz and I got a wee housewarming gift from everyone at AMAG and so I would like to take this opportunity to say thanks.

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."

UFA

2010-03-02T09:40:00.003Z

Kali

The Doctor changed my medication and suddenly the clouds have parted and the sun shies through! Since the festive period i have been uncomfortable but the simple addition of the beta blocker has suddenly taken away the huge strain i felt i was under! What a difference.

With it being a week away from my stay at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary (ERI), I'm putting pieces in place to make sure everything is ok whilst I'm away being assessed. After that I will be on call and could be away at any moment, which will see me being bed bound for upto 6weeks - 2 in hospital and then recovery at home. So at Home, at work and in the school I am putting the required pieces in the right places.

We went down to Northampton at the weekend to the UFA camp hosted by Ewen Campbell and run by Marc McFann. Marc arrived with his partner Jennifer on Tuesday in Aboyne. teaching to a full turnout on Tuesday, Wednesday was more about battling the elements such as the snow.

Sifu McFann Teaches at AMAG

A full car load down to Northampton saw us join the Unified Fighting Arts (UFA) family once again and a great weekend of instruction took place and I was awarded my Full Instructorship and Black Belt by Sifu McFann. Quite a surprise and something I shall treasure always. I first trained with Marc in 94 and hes been a regular to my school in Aberdeen since 96. He has been a good influence and has opened my eyes to a lot more than simply martial arts.

What is truth? - JKOnline Daily Quotes

What is truth?

Posted:

When the mind realizes the limitation, the narrowness, the finiteness of thought, then only it can ask the question: what is truth? Is this clear? I do not accept truth given by philosophers - that's their game. Philosophy means love of truth, not love of thought. So there is no authority - Plato, Socrates, Buddha, but Christianity has not gone into that very deeply. They have played with words and symbols, made a parody of suffering and all the rest of it. So the mind rejects all that. - Saanen 1st Public Talk 13th July 1975

Numerado

2010-02-22T21:30:00.004Z

We worked Numerado at the class tonight. The students did well to pick it up even though it may have fried their brains. Sifu McFann arrives tomorrow and teaches tomorrow night at the gym. Teaching focuses my mind right now and is a welcome escape from all the trials and tribulations of hospital visits.

Dan Inosanto Interview:

The Numerado in the Villabrille System now, that means it’s a circular drill in which you will move around your opponent and what it is, is your opponent feeds you a certain angle of attack and you counter it and follow up with up to one, two, three, four or even five hits and then he’ll attack you on another line and this will continue. Meanwhile your trying to zone to his side where he cannot see, so he has to switch his whole attack and face you, that is the Numerado in the Villabrille System.

As in another system, the Numerado is a numbering system where you just learn twelve angles of attack. In other systems, the Numerado is 144 techniques, that’s 12 techniques for one, 12 techniques for two sometimes they refer to it as abecedario. Then again, the abecedario in some systems is a numbering system. In other systems they add the contradas, which is usually depending on what each instructor wants, will be 12 techniques for one, 12 techniques for 2, or 12 possible techniques for one and 12 possible techniques for 2 and 3 and 4 and so on.

Besides being a really cool drill, what are some of the combative benefits of the Numerado drill…..?

One of the benefits I think is, it teaches you to zone away from the rear hand and it teaches you to zone away if there is a another opponent within the equation of the attack. So I think it teaches you circling, zoning and mobility principles.

In teaching Numerado, what is the training progression …..?

In the Villabrille System they will attack with number one, if you were to think of a clock, and you were standing at 12 O’clock, your job would be to move all the way to 6.00 O’clock by the time you finished your last strike on the counter. Then when he attacks off number two, you will at least try to move 45 degrees from the original place that you were at. The idea behind this is to simulate more than one warrior, because one attack might be from this direction and one attack might be from that direction. Numerado is also a very good light aerobic exercise, however it could also be a heavy aerobic exercise, which could also lead into the anaerobic system.

Can the drill be trained with various weapons….?

Yes, the Numerado is a very good drill because you can inter-change different weapons. Double stick could be double sword, double sword could be sword and shield, it could be a staff versus double sticks, it could be a spear versus double sticks. It could be stick and dagger versus shield and sword or single stick or double sticks. There are just so many different variations that you can put into it, that’s why I think it’s a very good drill. You can have a hatchet; you can have a sword and dagger as opposed to a sword and shield as opposed to a shield and dagger as opposed to a shield and an axe. So you can have a shield and axe and then you have an axe and dagger. There are just countless of different ways that you can expose your students to the Numerado drill.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week

2010-02-18T17:50:00.000Z

Kali running with her new pal Guiness

It hasn't been a good time for me health wise. I've been ill and my stomach is very bloated. There seems to be an inflammation inside. I will see a Dr at the ARI on Monday and my local GP has also been treating me, especially as my blood pressure is high. I can deal with this as i have the Assessment visit to Edinburgh coming up. 'Screw the nut' as the saying goes.

I'm also looking at a friends blog which makes me feel that my problems are not as important. I'm humbled by his attitude in the face of adversity.

The blog talks about the tests his daughter is having concerning Autism, bed wetting issues and her eyesight. The strength the two parents have to deal with this is an inspiration and on top of this he's dealing with his recently widowed mother who is having many issues. You'll see the blog on the list of blogs I follow down on the right hand side of this page: Jeff's Revolution.

Whilst I don't really reply to comments, the comments do give me strength, so I hope you will let Jeff know that he's in your prayers/thoughts.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. – Spanish Proverb

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – E. E. Cummings

Assessment

2010-02-16T14:37:00.004Z

Kali meets Mr Chubby, the ferret

My date is fixed for the 8th March. A week in which scans, tests (physical and mental) and information to let me know what Transplant really means.

Then i'll be on call.

Testing Times

2010-02-12T18:25:00.004Z

Today I heard from hospital.

I'll be in hospital at the beginning of march for a week to be assessed for suitability for transplant. Social workers, Psychiatrists, Medical experts will spend time with me to make sure I'm suitable.

We already know though don't we.

Listen, there is NEVER, EVER a perfect time to do a transformation. There's always a future event or time demand that will make you want to delay getting started. ALWAYS.

But the most successful people, get started anyway. They just say 'I'm doing this', and they do something, anything, before it's too late."

A different mind

Posted:

In the confusion and turmoil of life, in its continual bustle and conflict, every individual is caught. To understand the meaning of it, one must first grapple with it intellectually and afterwards put one's intellectual theories into practice... And since thought comes first, it very necessary that it should be true thought. Therefore you must approach the problem with a clear synthetic mind, free from prejudice, vanity and superstition - a mind that is willing to probe to the real root of things and not merely to skim the surface. - J. Krishnamurti Early Works, circa 1930

Frankincense

2010-02-11T19:14:00.000Z

Still heard nuthin' on what is my late father's birthday.

"Cancer starts when the DNA code within the cell's nucleus becomes corrupted," he says. "It seems frankincense has a re-set function. It can tell the cell what the right DNA code should be.

"Frankincense separates the 'brain' of the cancerous cell - the nucleus - from the 'body' - the cytoplasm, and closes down the nucleus to stop it reproducing corrupted DNA codes." BBC Story

“A healthy social life is found only, when in the mirror of each soul the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the
whole community the virtue of each one is living”- R. Steiner

“Peace is not just the absence of war, it is the active presence of a capacity for love and compassion, and reciprocity. It is an awareness that our lives are not to be lived simply for ourselves through expressing our individuality, but we confirm the purpose of our lives through the work of expressing our shared sense of community in a purposeful and practical way.” — Dennis Kucinich

What is permaculture?
Much of permaculture involves what our great grandparents instinctively knew when they lived in villages, made their own things, and grew their own food. It could be said to be the art of respecting nature and working with it to cultivate land, plants, animals and people by fostering mutually beneficial relationships between them. Permaculture is a method of designing communities in ways that mimic the relationships found in the natural ecologies.

No news isn't always good news

2010-02-09T21:15:00.005Z

AMAG students on the Inosanto weekend 2010

The Head of the Transplant team did try and call me on Monday tea time but I'd been delayed at the Aboyne Health Clinic, mainly because i was seen by a student. Otherwise I'd have been able to have caught the phone call. I called and left a message on the answering machine but his secretary didn't pass it on so I never heard anything today.

I didn't mind being seen by the student, it was just once he realised I was slightly more 'serious' and called in what will be my new doctor, i had to go through the process again. A ten minute appointment took up an hour.

So at the moment, i don't know anything new : (

Life itself has no system

Posted:

Life itself has no system, for it is always in movement; always growing and striving. To systemize it, therefore, is to bind it and so negate its vital quality. For this reason pure reason can never understand; nor can its anti-thesis, which is pure sentiment, ever understand. Strength is needed for understanding, but sentimentality is always weak. - J. Krishnamurti Early Works, circa 1930

The Edinburgh Trip

2010-02-07T20:59:00.003Z

Thursday after being checked in I had an evening of answering questions for Junior Doctors. The Edinburgh Royal Infirmary (ERI) is a new building with a clean fresh and modern feel so much different to many hospitals built in the Victorian age. Didn't help me much with the sleep though.

Friday I was wheeled at 11am to where the Endoscopy was going to take place and introduced to the Liver doctor. The gave me a sedative and whilst I was awake to follow instructions I have no recollection of any of it. I do have a picture in my head of the doctor saying that all was well. Caz awoke me around 4pm and after a while the doctors came round.

It would appear that they could not find the second lesion in order to take a biopsy. This in itself may be good enough to allow me to go on the list but until its discussed at their weekly meet, there is no decision as yet.

They wanted to keep me in for the night but I asked to go and that was acceptable. Caz picked me up and we went and met with friends for something to eat.

Saturday and Sunday was spent on a seminar with Martial Arts legend Guro Dan Inosanto. To be considered a student of this man is an amazing honour. I look forward to seeing him later in the year in a better state of health. It was great to see old friends and make some new ones.

We are home now and a few days of relaxation before I get the phone call with the latest decision.

Peace within

Posted:

A mind that has understood the nature of pleasure and fear is no longer violent and can therefore live at peace within itself and with the world. - Talks and Dialogues Saanen 1967

Here we go now!

2010-02-03T17:51:00.002Z

Drive down tomorrow, check into hospital thursday tea time. Endoscopy Friday am. Released on good behaviour Friday afternoon. Recover Friday night.

Guro Dan Inosanto on Saturday and Sunday and then back up to the licks of Kali!

Sorted

"Cultivation to the mind is as necessary as food to the body."

If you want to board an aeroplane, but were told by a large group of aeronautical engineers that the plane was 90% certain to crash upon take-off, would you listen to them? Or would you listen to a small group, comprising of a PR consultant, a botanist and a plumber, who presented as evidence an article from Readers Digest magazine?

review of-climate cover up by James Hoggan

Off To Edinburgh

2010-01-28T13:46:00.002Z

Within 12 hours I have discussed with the Transplant Surgeon what he wants to do and in that action I have introduced myself to his world.

The result of this is that he started to hum and har over when they could fit me in and I interjected that I would be down in Edinburgh the following weekend. Immediately he said that they will fit me in on the Thursday or Friday and this morning it was confirmed that on Friday 5th Feb I will have an Endoscopy.

The endoscopy will be used to get a biopsy of the second growth to acertain whether it is HCC or benign. Of course it's going to be benign and once those results are in I will be put forward for transplant.

Today Im alert and energised, almost the first time this month. This is it guys, its all down hill from now on - just you wait and see. By the 3rd quarter this year I'm going to be a different monster, cured and working myself back to fitness and better health.

Caz's birthday on Saturday, we can enjoy this moment a bit more now!

AT LAST

2010-01-26T21:31:00.002Z

News at last. I'm now to communicate with the leading specialist in Edinburgh.

It confuses me when i get told one thing then I hear almost a contradiction. I was told that I only had one lesion but it would appear that there is a second 'something' but they are not able to identify it.

So if it is benign or no even not a tumour then I will be put forward to the Transplant Team for consideration.

If it is HCC then there will be no transplant and we will take another course of action.

What I am assured by friends knowledgeable in this area is that I'm now under one of the leading authorities in this area.

What will be happening is that I will undergo a biopsy to ascertain the condition of the 'other growth'. When this will be I don't know, but I'm ready to get my ass down to Edinburgh as soon as required.

This is a tipping point, one that will take me out of my doldrums and propel me into what will be a great February!

Lou Reed has written hundreds of songs, he worked extensively with Andy Warhol, and is widely recognized as a great artist. You've probably heard some of this songs without even knowing it.

Here are some things he said that might give some clues into how he was able to be so crazy-productive:

"There's only X amount of time. You can do whatever you want with that time. It's your time."

"Me, I've concentrated on music pretty much to the exclusion of other things."

"I'm in this business for too long to be half-hearted about anything."

"I try very much, whenever I do projects, whatever it is, there's only one thing on my mind, only one thing."

Address to a Haggis.

2010-01-23T17:19:00.001Z

Address to a Haggis.

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o need,
While thro your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An cut you up wi ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an strive:
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
The auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethankit' hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi perfect sconner,
Looks down wi sneering, scornfu view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit:
Thro bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whissle;
An legs an arms, an heads will sned,
Like taps o thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies:
But, if ye wish her gratefu prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

cheerful

above
paunch, guts
worthy
-

buttocks
skewer

-

wipe
skill
Digging

-

well swollen
bellies, soon
burst

-

sicken

disgust

-

weak, rush

fist, nut

-

choice

trim
tops, thistle
-

watery
splashes,
porringers

Blue Monday

2010-01-22T22:37:00.003Z

As you know I am not one to moan here. I don't indulge in self pity as it simply doesn't bring any rewards worth having. I have to say though that its been an awful two weeks for me.

I feel run down, struggling when I am tired with a heavy chest and coughing fits. I have been cramping up throughout the day and night and the weather hasn't helped.

We still have not heard anything from Edinburgh. Waking up every day involves the act of taking the two Sorafenib and I was nauseous this morning when I took them. I understand when people just say they are tired of the fight. So why have we not heard anything? I guess the positive is that they haven't rejected me.

The car died as a direct result of the heavy floods, where after water got in and damaged the electrics. 3 years without issue and the car dies just when I'm about to renew. So I have had an extra stress in getting about that has only added to my discomfort.

Officially this is the worst week of the year and the most depressing. Monday was known as Blue Monday and boy have I been feeling it. I'm bloated and yet I don't eat a huge amount. This is depressing and with the energy sapped you feel like your are at the bottom of the pit.

By tomorrow I will have changed this and turned it into positives, reframing the depression into more positive thinking. Ill work some yoga and silat, maybe some stick and we'll see friends on Robbie Burns day! I guess though what I'm trying to say is that don't assume that those positive people with a fight on their hands don't have bad days or weeks.

"I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die." Isaac Asimov.

We do not listen - JKOnline Daily Quotes

We do not listen

Posted:

We do not listen. There are too many noises about us; inside us, there is too much talk, too much questioning, too much demanding, too many urges, compulsions. We have so many things and we never listen to any one of them completely, totally, to the very end. And if you would kindly so listen, you will see that, in spite of yourself, the mutation, that emptiness, that transformation, the perception of what is true, comes into being. You don't have to do a thing, because what you do will interfere, because you are greedy, you are envious, you are full of hate, ambition, and all the mischief that thought can make. So if you can listen happily, effortlessly, then perhaps in the quiet, deep, silence you will know what is truth. And it is only that truth that liberates, and nothing else. That is why you must stand completely alone. You cannot listen through another; you cannot see with the eyes of another; you cannot think with the thoughts of others. But yet you listen through others, see through the activities, through the saints, through the dictum of others. So if you can put away all these secondary things, the activities of others, and be simple, quiet, and listen, then you will find out. - J. Krishnamurti, Bombay, 1st March 1964

whoops

2010-01-17T23:06:00.001Z

forgot to mention that Caz competed in the Scottish Open in BJJ on Saturday. lost by an armbar but won the silver medal!

Well done girl!

ramblings

2010-01-17T16:48:00.000Z

Funny old week. It's been one where no longer had i said i'd not had cramps I've been plagued with them. My stomach has been bloated and I have been tired. I have boosted my hours at work but the problem seems to be more in the digestion process. I will have to be strict on the diet side of things.

It's been a bit of a thaw here and with the rain all roads became rivers. I hit a pool and the car didnt half move...laterally.

really hoping to hear something soon. i feel like im in limbo. i cant organise things until; i know what course is being steered.

Adults in Scotland are drinking the equivalent of 46 bottles of vodka each in a year, a study has suggested. Now I don't drink and I know that Caz doesn't drink Vodka so someone out there is drinking our share! 3 bottles of voddie a week! No wonder there's no livers for transplant!

"Liverpool fans sing a song about Chelsea having no history. Of course it is false - it's just that Chelsea's history is not as illustrious as Liverpool's.
It would be equally stupid for Chelsea fans to sing that Liverpool has no future. Of course Liverpool has a future. It's just that it is not as illustrious as Chelsea's." Comment on The Independent website.

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.

Haiti

2010-01-15T16:48:00.002Z

The Red Cross and Save the Children have put out an Appeal for the disaster in Haiti! Click on the above picture to go to the appropriate page.

What your donation could buy:

£20 — 3 tarpaulins or plastic sheets to provide basic shelter to protect families
£40 — 24 buckets to help families carry clean water
£50 — 21 mosquito kits to protect children from malaria
£500 — 20 student kits, containing notebooks, plastic water bottles, rucksacks and stationery
£1000 — 80 hygiene kits with essentials such as soap, detergent, toothpaste and toothbrushes
£5000 — shelter repair kits for 142 families whose homes have been damaged by the earthquake

With the images being seen on the media, I cannot find it appropriate to discuss my issues concerning my predicament on this post

The Hospital Visit

2010-01-13T11:25:00.002Z

The Dr was quite happy with my condition despite some concerns for the Kidney that will be picking up some toxicity from the Sorafenib. Urine and blood tests were taken to check this out.

She feels confident that Edinburgh will soon be in touch and explained that the Transplant Teams have changed their criteria to take account of patients who have responded to the new drug treatments now available. From what I can gather I am one of the only ones to have taken Sorafenib and respond in such a manner, where most look to elongate existence for a month or two. This is why they are looking favourably at me and so it shouldn't be long before we hear if surgery or intrusion will be the recommended course of action.

If they should though decide that they will not involve themselves in my treatment, then she has started to put together a request to the NHS to continue Sorafenib after the Bupa financing runs out next month. She is confident that this would be looked on favourably.

We now wait on Edinburgh

Opening the door to creation

Posted:

Learning in the true sense of the word is possible only in that state of attention, in which there is no outer or inner compulsion. Right thinking can come about only when the mind is not enslaved by tradition and memory. It is attention that allows silence to come upon the mind, which is the opening of the door to creation. That is why attention is of the highest importance. Knowledge is necessary at the functional level as a means of cultivating the mind, and not as an end in itself. We are concerned, not with the development of just one capacity, such as that of a mathematician, or a scientist, or a musician, but with the total development of the student as a human being.
How is the state of attention to be brought about? It cannot be cultivated through persuasion, comparison, reward or punishment, all of which are forms of coercion. The elimination of fear is the beginning of attention. Fear must exist as long as there is an urge to be or to become, which is the pursuit of success, with all its frustrations and tortuous contradictions. You can teach concentration, but attention cannot be taught just as you cannot possibly teach freedom from fear; but we can begin to discover the causes that produce fear, and in understanding these causes there is the elimination of fear. So attention arises spontaneously when around the student there is an atmosphere of well-being, when he has the feeling of being secure, of being at ease, and is aware of the disinterested action that comes with love. Love does not compare, and so the envy and torture of `becoming' cease.
J. Krishnamurti Life Ahead Saanen 4th Public Dialogue 3rd August 1974.

Step Change

2010-01-09T19:07:00.004Z

There has definately been a step change. It's hard to describe but I'm able to do more during the day and whilst it still tires me, I'm not sufferring as much memory loss or confusion that the drugs did bring on. I do feel better, operating at 60% as a rough guide and this weather does sap you at times.

I have started doing three rounds of 3 minutes. Just padwork and at first the discomfort in my core was painful but today's pads didn't have the discomfort as my body starts to deal with it. More importantly there are no more cramps! Not to the same extent as previous attempts to exercise brought on.

Over the Christmas period, the liver did play up and I was in severe discomfort, sleeping more but also being ratty. Snappiness is a result of poor liver condition. That has passed right now.

My Soarfenib is about to run out and I have rung asking for a new prescription, but the Dr wants to see me first. I see this in a positive light. There is only one month left I think on the availability of Sorafenib and we await the recommendation from the Edinburgh Transplant Team. With the tumour in such decline and with other intrusions likely to bring it's demise, is there any need to continue Sorafenib?

If the weather shows us anything, it highlights how some people are totally incapable of taking responsibility for themselves. While I watch Man Utd and Arsenal fail to challenge Chelsea who's game was cancelled due to the snow, I have to wonder why the powers that be declare it unsafe for people to attend sporting events, effectively closing them down, and yet I dont see them closing shopping centres, especially the big ones outside cities. Are the dangers not the same?

We are scared of taking responsibility at times in case we get sued. Those who seek the litigiousness society are handicapping the rest of us and are more of a threat to our freedom than any religious fanatics who gain sensationalist headlines. If people sue the local council they are taking the money which helps look after our elderly and take the money away from resources that could help us all.

I feel that this blog's treasure is that I have taken responsibility for my illness and have worked with the experts in all areas and made decisions and behaved in a way that brings us to a successful conclusion. There's been no self indulgent moaning. Ive shared many tears but I've never really brought that here. If 20ten is to be anything then I hope its an era where people start taking responsibility for their actions rather than simply leaving it to someone else to decide.

20ten Snow pictures

2010-01-04T09:05:00.003Z

Saturday 2nd

Snowball fight

Will Chris dare to throw that snowball at Kali?

Goodness has no opposite

Goodness has no opposite. Most of us consider goodness as the opposite of the bad or evil and so throughout history in any culture goodness has been considered the other face of that which is brutal. So man has always struggled against evil in order to be good; but goodness can never come into being if there is any form of violence or struggle. - Letters to the Schools vol I

Welcome to 20ten!

2010-01-01T20:37:00.001Z

May this year be your best yet!

Auld lang syne

2009-12-31T19:34:00.003Z

Kali inspects the Aboyne Stone Circle

It's been a long year, a huge portion that I can't recall due to the medication and I'm still here.

Huge strides have been taken and I'm now about ready to propel myself into the future, a strong future.

To be here, I have been supported by many in various degrees and for that I will always be in your debt even though you gave your support without condition.

Enjoy Hogmanay and let the new year bring you wealth that only through love is worthy.

Yours truely

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and days o'auld lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp !
and surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pu’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary foot,
sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae paidl’d i' the burn,
frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
and gie's a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Permafrost

2009-12-30T22:47:00.003Z

Been suffering with the liver in a way I haven't had for a long time. I have been sleeping a lot and it's been hard to lie on my right (liver) side. I have managed to get in to teach my classes but thats about it. I have increased my water intake and being careful what I am eating.

Out in Aboyne, I have noticed the quality of the air and it feels 'healing'. With the bad weather we haven't seen the frost lift since before Christmas with some nights dropping to around -11 degrees Celsius. Permafrost! Saying that the roads are clear and its easy to move around, you just need to wrap up. There's no breeze off the sea so it doesn't feel as cold as it does in Aberdeen.

I have discovered Paramo clothing and this stuff really works, requiring less layers than I did when wearing my Gortex.

Hogmanay tomorrow and we have guests coming out to the house, so we look forward to that!

Pablo Picasso said ...

"My mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.' Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."

What will you fill in this blank with when you look back on your life?

If you choose to be re-born, you can be anything you want.

But remember that Picasso also said ...

"Action is the foundational key to all success."

Merry Kalistmas

2009-12-25T16:31:00.007Z

The River Dee 10am

Whilst celebrating the festival of Winter Solstice was akin to our ancient ways, the imposing Christians put Christmas day as near as hell to it (and bang on the Roman solar holiday Dies Natalis Solis Invicti) to which the vest majority here in the UK have grown up to recognise this as way to get the family together and be thankful for our wealth. The Julian calendar has it as the 7th January but we use the Gregorian calendar so hence the 25th.

This year Caz, Kali and I have celebrated in a new house. I can't recall last Christmas as i was still recovering from surgery and high on morphine but, whilst I'd started the I will Survive mantra, I guess I wouldn't have laid goods odds on making it this far. You can see by this post last Christmas that I was laying the right foundations but it wasn't till October that this tipping point was reached.

I owe the change to a lot of good friends who gave me strength, who have been there or who have helped in any way however big or small. For this I consider myself a wealthy man and so I can truly be thankful today of all days.

Its been a busy week with all the bad weather and hustle and bustle of this time of year. At the weekend we were up in Inverness, traveling in all the blizzards and it seems so long ago already. Kali has been lying protecting the tree with her presents around it, she's like a little child and sure enough she stuck her nose into every parcel this morning. The video clip says it all!

So I'm thankful for the health I have and the health I will have. After this Annus horribilis I can only see a more positive future. So let us raise our glasses, mugs of tea or whatever and join in a toast to the riches that are around us that money simply cannot buy! Amen

The Paulsonator

2009-12-17T10:48:00.008Z

Erik coming to town is always a marvelous experience. In the midst of a house move it made it the more interesting.

Erik and Tonya were up at the house to chill out and Tonya likes to see Kali. For me, it was a great opportunity to ask Erik about the best way to adopt his curriculm requirements at the school. We watch some fights and discuss training methods and tactics.

The seminar went well, ending up with all the students in the ring working boxing drills. The ammount of information, technique and advice was immence. There's enough information for students to take and utilise for a year. Early into the late hours Erik and I were watching fights and discussing martial arts.

Seeing them off is always sad. I had wanted to go to Ayr and take in the next seminar as well. This wasn't realistic at this stage of my fight and I had a fighter getting ready for a MMA fight as well as a house move.

Friday consisted of driving through freezing fog to Bathgate, hanging around in a freezing fight venue all for 6 minutes of fight action. Neil Cushnie was competing. He had trained for a previous show but was not matched. At short notice he was in good shape to step up and take the task and did so without hesitation.

I recall some 3 years ago, Neil was helping me moving rubble from our old Justice Mill Lane gym and expressed his desire to fight one day. I am sure Neil wont be embarrassed to hear that he is certainly no hard man and the idea of him being a fighter would have been laughed off by many.

At AMAG though, we have the culture of anything being possible. Neil achieved his dream and at the end of the fight the achievement dawned on him. He hadn't expected to win because he has always been told that he wasn't an achiever. Neil has stuck two fingers up at them and has proved to himself that he doesn't need to be chained to other people pulling him down. You can watch his fight here.

There are a multitude of examples at AMAG and each one of them fills me with pride and satisfaction. I may not have been able to be as active this year but next year I will be turning up the intensity as i return to good health, but having developed so many good students I know they also carry these values.

Establish right relationship with man first

Posted:

You will never find it if you seek it. You will never find it if you run after it. You will never find it if your intention is in seeing the beauty of the earth, in seeing the light on the water, in seeing the perfect line of a mountain, and you hope through seeing, to find that. You will never find it because you cannot find that through anything, through your sacrifice, through your worship, through your meditation, through your virtue. You will never come upon it because your motive is all wrong, because you want to find that, not in living, but somewhere else. You must establish right relationship with man first, which means you must know what it means to love, what it means to be compassionate, what it means to be generous when you have a great deal, what it means to share with another the little that you have, to establish this marvellous order in living, daily living. - Krishnamurti in India 1970-71, p157

MRI results and Edinburgh's reaction

2009-12-15T21:21:00.004Z

Apologies for the lack of posts but we have been moving out to the countryside and the internet access was shut down for a week. Its been a busy week and a half but before I cover those bases I want to share the results of the MRI scan and what we have heard from the Edinburgh Transplant Team.

The scan measured the lesion to have reduced again to 3.1 x 3.4 cm!

Furthermore it was established that there is only ONE lesion!

Now they want to again look at the first CT scan and the latest MRI and the Liver Doctor is saying he's getting very positive vibes. What these experts will decide may be a transplant or radio frequency, but they will determine the end of the tumour.

Now, in the next few days I'll cover what else is going on but that news alone should be covered in one post!

Man exists for only one purpose

Posted:

Students as well as teachers must work together to bring about the release of this tremendous energy to find reality, God or truth. Your parents and teachers, like the rest of society, have not perceived that man exists for only one purpose, which is to find reality or God. If even a small group of educators were to understand and give their whole attention to that search, they would create a new kind of education and a different society altogether. - This Matter of Culture, p.188

MRI scan

2009-12-07T14:49:00.004Z

Had my MRI scan this morning.
You have to hold your breath in an enclosed space whilst the machine whirs and make noise that sounded like the Gabba Techno my son used to listen to at one point.
[Originated in Holland, gabba means “buddy” in Dutch. Gabba is Dutch, four-beat hardcore. Hard as hell and fast, fast, fast, featuring distorted 240 beats per minute kick drums and big bass drum sounds.]
All in all it took over 30 minutes in which they put a dye into your blood. The ears hurt the most from the noise!

These results will determine my future treatment.

Tomorrow Erik Paulson, accompanied by his wife Tonya, will arrive to teach at the gym. A true legend and an inspiration in my life, Erik's visit will be great! Even the dog will enjoy their presence!

Religion is the cessation of the 'me'

Posted:

Have we shared this together? Because it is your life, not my life. It is your life of sorrow, of tragedy, of confusion, guilt, reward, punishment. All that is your life. If you are serious you have tried to untangle all this. You have read some book, or followed a teacher, or listened to somebody, but the problem remains. These problems will exist as long as the human mind moves within the field of the activity of the self; that activity of the self must create more and more and more problems. When you observe, when you become extraordinarily aware of this activity of the self, then the mind becomes extraordinarily quiet, sane, healthy, holy. And from that silence our life in everyday activity is transformed. Religion is the cessation of the “me”, and action born of that silence. That life is a sacred life full of meaning.
This Light in Oneself, p 77

The Roller coaster

2009-12-02T11:53:00.004Z

Monday morning I awoke after a mammoth sleep. You know how it is. You are under the warm duvet and you spread yourself right across the bed, half dozing. It was bliss. I stretched my left arm and the right arm like a giant starfish. My right leg, then my left leg and then SUDDENLY i had a fierce cramp cutting right into my left calf.

This is the life i lead at the moment. Its very much a roller coaster and one day you can be on top of the world and the next you crash and burn. With the moving into the new house ongoing, its tiring me out on top of the other duties but I wouldn't choose to stop it. WE'll get there.

"Most of us go through life as failures, because we are waiting for the "time to be right" to start doing something worthwhile. Do not wait. The time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."

This coming Monday I have an MRI scan booked, the results of which will be sent down to the Liver Transplant Team in Edinburgh who should then be in a position to determine the course of action in the new year. Que sera, sera.

"Whatsoever the mind can conceive and believe ... it *can* achieve." Napoleon Hill

Touch the earth

2009-11-26T08:28:00.004Z

“We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life.”

Climate change policies 'improve health'

Whilst the two political sides argue over the legitimacy of climate warming data and there is no doubt that the science has been manipulated to appease the different Governments, you should not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

When you go past the scientists employed/funded by self interested parties you see the true science, not altered graphs. James Lovelock has this on his website and in his books on Gaia. This is repeated in Steve Schneider's The Patient from Hell which is about his successful fight against cancer.

A special series of articles, published in medical journal, the Lancet, outlines how such policies could have a direct impact on global health.

Food: High-producing countries should reduce livestock production by 30%. If this translated into reduced meat consumption, the amount of saturated fat consumed would drop sharply, which could reduce heart disease

Transport: Cutting emissions through walking and cycling and reducing use of motor vehicles would bring health benefits including reduced cardiovascular disease, depression and dementia

Household: In low-income countries, solid fuel stoves create indoor air pollution. National programmes to introduce low-emission stoves could avert millions of premature deaths and reduce greenhouse gas emissions

Pollution: Short-lived pollutants including ozone and black carbon contribute to climate change and damage health. Reducing emissions of these would offer immediate benefits

Energy: Decreasing the proportion of carbon-based electricity generation would give health benefits worldwide, particularly in middle-income countries such as India and China

“Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

You can join the NHS Organ Donor Register by:

Filling in a form online
Calling the NHS Donor Line on 0300 123 23 23
(Lines are open 24 hours a day all year round. Calls are charged at your contracted rate for local calls)
By texting SAVE to 84118

“Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.”

Breaking News!

2009-11-25T11:25:00.004Z

Just off the phone to the Liver Doctor. He's heard back from Edinburgh and the great news is that as of yet they have NOT dismissed the application for a Liver Transplant!

They have requested a MRI scan. There seems to be some confusion over how many lesions there are in the liver. I was under the impression that there were two but this isn't clear in the CT scans and is NOT conclusive!

Two lesions and they will dismiss it and we will offerred different options such as the radio therapy where they put a prong into the lesion and microwave it to death. We then look to get the Liver to fight any HCV virus and regenerate as much as possible.

Transplant though is a cure all solution, fraught with it's own inherent dangers, but one that gives me the potential of actually collecting my meagre pension when the time is right!

While i'm elated, I know that there is still the overwhelming odds of refusal. It will not change my vision of surviving this and leading once again a life where I can achieve at the highest levels!

Cleanliness is next to godliness

2009-11-24T16:51:00.000Z

Gee Vaucher - Look at the birds - can you see?

Call me Dopey, but I've been sleeping for two hours every afternoon. The body is shutting down in its attempt to heal. However, today I've got the energy to go right through!

I'm down to 87.2kg (192.4 pounds or 13.7 stone) after last weeks 91.5kg (201.7/14.4) caused by bloating!

Aberdeen Royal Infirmary told to improve swiftly

A hole in a toilet wall was one failing highlighted/Image from NHS Quality Improvement Scotland report

Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon has demanded "urgent improvements" at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary.

It follows a Healthcare Environment Inspectorate report highlighting issues needing to be addressed, including cleanliness and infection control.

Ms Sturgeon said: "This report makes difficult reading. I am disappointed that so much room for improvement has been identified."

A follow-up inspection was said to already have found some progress.

My own experience last year was that the staff were always working on cleanliness. Apart from the age of the buildings, there was no issue that concerned me.

A never-ending struggle

Posted:

Meditation generally as it is accepted now is the practice of a system, breathing properly, sitting in the right position, wanting or craving greater experience, or the ultimate experience. This is what we are doing. And all that is a constant struggle, a never-ending struggle. This is a never-ending struggle, which is hoping to end all struggle! See what we have done. I am struggling, struggling, struggling to end struggling sometime in the future. See what tricks I have played on myself. I am caught in time. I don’t say, “Why should I struggle at all?” If I can end this struggle that is enlightenment. Total Freedom, p 334

Drug Company Watch

2009-11-22T20:13:00.000Z

Last night was the worst night of cramping I have ever had. I had had a good day and had joined in to the warm ups in BJJ and did some teaching. The rain was heavy which made me run from the bus stop. That was all. I ate decently, took my vits and even has a late afternoon sleep.

Wales and Chelsea won while we start to pack the house up ahead of our move out to the countryside.

Drug Company Watch
A few months back a certain drug - bevacizumab - was pulled from the UK because it is "too expensive".

Until recently, Pfizer were the only ones to have the patent for Irinotecan, they were the only ones allowed to produce it. Patent ran out, now other companies are selling Irinotecan for 10% of the price Pfizer were charging.

Meditation can not be a system

Posted:

So Meditation is Not conscious Meditation. You understand this? It can Not be conscious Meditation, following a system, a guru - collective Meditation, group Meditation, single Meditation, according to Zen or some other system. It can Not be a system because then you practice, practice, practice, and your brain gets more and more dull, more and more mechanical. So is there a Meditation which has no direction, which is Not conscious, deliberate? find out.
J Krishnamurti: Last Talks at Saanen 1985

please sir, can i have some more?

2009-11-20T08:27:00.005Z

please sir, can i have some more?

Whilst everyone is shouting at NICE for their decision:

Global Nexavar net sales as reported by Onyx's collaborator Bayer HealthCare Pharmaceuticals, or Bayer, were $229.2 million for the third quarter 2009, a 27% increase compared to $180.9 million in the same period in 2008. Onyx and Bayer are marketing and developing Nexavar(�) (sorafenib) tablets, an anticancer therapy currently approved for the treatment of liver cancer and advanced kidney cancer in the U.S., European Union, Japan and other territories.

Net income for the third quarter 2009 reflected growth in Nexavar sales and lower Nexavar commercial expenses, offset by expanded clinical development efforts, lower investment income and interest expense on the convertible senior notes issued in August 2009.

Source: PR Newswire

Onyx Makes a Profit and Management Takes the Cash

By Jim Edwards | Apr 13, 2009

Onyx finally made a profit last year — the first time the cancer drug developer has gone into the black in the last five years. It made $1.9 million and returned just 3 cents a share, on revenues of $194 million. Those revenues were nearly double the year before as Onyx’s deal with Bayer on the drug Nexavar fully kicked in.

Could that profit have been any higher? Yes, it could, had not the top executives at the company gotten such hefty raises in compensation. In 2007, the company’s four named executives received $6.8 million between them. In 2008, those top four had become the top six, and they shared $11 million in total compensation.

In other words, executive compensation was roughly five times the profits the company returned to shareholders.

Now, Onyx has some excuses: They replaced a CEO, added an HR chief and a corporate development chief. But those moves were offset somewhat by the fact that the new CEO, N. Anthony Coles, was paid $2.8 million in total compensation even though he only arrived in March, whereas the outgoing boss, Hollings C. Renton, only earned $2.5 million before he left. Coles’ basic salary nearly quadrupled over Renton’s.

Here’s the summary:

Name, 2008 pay, 2007 pay
CEO N. Anthony Coles, $2.8 million, NA
Ex-CEO Hollings Renton, $2.5 million, $2.6 million
CFO Gregory Schafer, $818,000, $690,000
HR chief Judy Batlin, $937,000, NA
COO Laura Brege, $1.7 million, $1.4 million
Ex- chief medical officer Henry Fuchs, $2.2 million, $2.1 million
SVP corp. dev. Juergen Lasowski, $1 million, NA
Numbers are rounded, includes stocks and options whose value changes over time.

Even here in the UK, we have been affected by the Right in the US using token phrases of fear when controls on companies or Health Care is concerned. There's a mantra of "freedom" used and the threat of 'socialism' or 'communism' are used to scare people away from really looking at this. Well freedom just ain't freedom when your back's against the wall.

The Drug companies are reaping in large profits in order to satisfy their shareholders. In a time of recession their profits are obscene.

Obscene is a strong word, but bear in mind some of these drugs are out the reach of many people because of their inflated cost, so people will die in order to satisfy the greed of the stakeholders.

And the companies that will provide these drugs? The Health Insurance companies will be investing their money into these companies because their returns are huge and they too can profit. No wonder so much money is being put into the political arena and promoting Private Health Care. In the mean time the poor will get a second hand service,if that.

That's not free market economics - its free market exploitation.

At the same time, other European Health Services provide these drugs because their societies view Health Care in a different light. Here in the UK we spend £1bn a year in Iraq which could be invested in the NHS (source) although recent figures put it higher at 1.5bn(source). This affect the squaddies who don't get a decent pension from the MOD for having their legs blown off.

Since the oil taps turned on in the North Sea we have wasted the revenue whilst countries like Norway have invested in their country and services to give their citizens a great standard of living. (source)

What type of society do you want to live in?
You might be in a hospital ward looking for hope, or seeing a friend or relative dying when you know that there's something that could help but it's priced out of range.

It WILL NOT change if you don't stand up and represent yourself. Whether its a letter to your local MP, writing to a paper, supporting an Organisation that will campaign on the relevant issues. If you do nothing then that's what you will get.

On another approach, you could change many habits that could put you in that circumstance. Reducing alcohol, reducing meat heavy diets etc would be a first step. Many options have been discussed before in this blog.

There are always choices and you can re-evaluate what you want in your life.

Cramps last night but feeling pretty good right now. Getting closer to the house move - clean country air awaits!

On the BBC website

2009-11-19T19:17:00.002Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8368954.stm

PATRICK DAVIES, DRUG PAID FOR BY HEALTH INSURANCE

"Because of Bupa, I am able to have it, but that runs out at the end of January. The medical insurance only lasts a year. I would hope to have destroyed the tumour by then.

"[But] If I hadn't have had the drug, I would still have fought it and I still would have won.

"There's lots of people with different situations, if the tumour is small, they won't put you on to a drug, because they'll look at a transplant.

They've got a pretty hard job to do. I've got a lot of sympathy for them, we've all got to make budgeting decisions

"Once a transplant can't happen, that's when they consider the drug - you're talking about people in a very serious condition. That's why they're talking about only extending the life for six months.

"I just think it's a case of really, we as human beings in a society, should re-evaluate our priorities.

"Other countries have access to drugs that could make a difference because they have a different set of priorities.

"They've [NICE] got a pretty hard job to do. I've got a lot of sympathy for them - we've all got to make budgeting decisions.

"The chemical companies themselves have just as much responsibility as NICE, if they want to sell their product at a price we can't afford. Why are they putting it out at that price? I'm pretty sure it's because they want to make profit for their shareholders."

Im on the telly Bill!!!

2009-11-19T14:15:00.001Z

3.15 News 24
Being Interviewed about NICE and Sorafenib

Liver cancer drug 'too expensive'

2009-11-19T10:24:00.004Z

The BBC's headline Liver cancer drug 'too expensive' has personal meaning. The company I work for had a BUPA private medical scheme and so BUPA has funded my Sorafenib for ONE year only. Coupled with my mental state, my recovery has happened but I was the first in Aberdeen to have Sorafenib for Primary Liver Cancer.

Others, especially anyone who can't afford private medical insurance, will not have that opportunity. Of course a budget means these type of decisions are made, like them or not. But if my taxes were going more into the NHS than into ridiculous wars in Iraq then maybe the budget could stretch?

More than 3,000 people are diagnosed with liver cancer every year in the UK and their prognosis is generally poor.

Only about 20% of patients are alive one year after diagnosis, dropping to just 5% after five years.

I am breaking those rules! I'm one year plus on the eve of the anniversary of the failed operation

It's your NHS, make a noise. Maybe the money put into conflicts abroad could pay for the Drug Treatment that your loved one's might need. You have a voice - USE IT!

If you have cancer, you can survive regardless of the type of treatment. You have to really want to.

There Is No Authority But Yourself

2009-11-16T18:12:00.004Z

Its been a day in bed, feeling rather poorly. These days hit you out of the blue and there's no pattern to it. I'll be alright tomorrow but after participating in the BJJ on Saturday I hoped to take part tonight. This tumours may be on the way out, but it's going to go kicking and screaming! Not to be with training today then, that day will come though.

When i was in my late teens I was heavily influenced by a band called Crass, to the extent that i toured around with them helping and learning about PA's and Sound Engineering. I brought this knowledge back to Aberdeen and set up the Music Support Group which was then copied throughout Youth Work places in the city. Some of these still exist.

We'd put the money we raised from gigs into paying local musicians to teach young unemployed how to play guitar, drums etc. You see, you don't have to live to stereotype, you can achieve anything and you merely need to go for it. With the way our society is, there's many young people who don't get this and leave school believing that they are no good as that's all they were told.

It doesn't matter at what age you are, you can change and do what you dream of. Its just a question of identifying what your dreams are, beyond the barrage of materialistic icons that we are told we must have to be fulfilled.

My life went from the music support group into martial arts and despite the different medium, my life's work is the same. People achieve and can make their choices for themselves, regardless of whether i agree or not. They just need to have the strength to take responsibility for their own actions.

Thats what i have done with my illness, i've taken responsibility for my own situation and i'm going to change it. Many simply give up. Not me.

This is a documentary with people who never told me i was wrong, who allowed me to participate and don't judge. Some of it isn't pleasant but you have to understand that the end of the 70's and the early 80's wasn't a pleasant time for many.

Not prayer, not devotion

Posted:

Prayer obviously produces results; otherwise millions wouldn’t pray. And in praying, obviously the mind is made quiet; by constant repetition of certain phrases, the mind does become quiet. And in that quietness there is a certain intimation, certain perceptions, certain responses. But that is still a part of the trick of the mind because, after all, through a form of mesmerism you can make the mind very quiet. And in that quietness there are certain hidden responses arising from the unconscious and from outside the consciousness. But it is still a state in which there is no understanding. And meditation is not devotion—devotion to an idea, to a picture, to a principle—because the things of the mind are still idolatrous. One may not worship a statue, considering it idolatrous and silly, superstitious; but one does worship, as most people do, the things in the mind—and that is also idolatrous. And to be devoted to a picture or an idea, to a Master, is not meditation. Obviously, it’s a form of escape from oneself. It’s a very comforting escape, but it’s still an escape. The Collected Works vol V, p 361

A week of mainly UP's

2009-11-14T16:12:00.008Z

Chris Moir receives instruction in between rounds

I had the Swine Flu jab on Thursday which saw me spend the whole of Friday in bed feeling poorly. After a good week where i put in some hours at work, the end was terrible. Kali had been the same all week too and Caz is fighting off a cold.

I managed to get it together to take a CSW workshop last night but I am chuffed to have gone down and participated in light drilling in the BJJ class with Peter PJJ Richardson and Scott Scotosan Pressley.

Generally, I'm much stronger and whilst I get the lows, I see them being less and less.

Don't know if I mentioned the new ring at the gym, seen here below!

Supporters who have given me words of support along with Caz

The foundation of a righteous life

Posted:

Meditation is hard work. It demands the highest form of discipline—not conformity, not imitation, not obedience—but a discipline which comes through constant awareness, not only of things about you outwardly, but also inwardly.

So meditation is not an activity of isolation but is action in everyday life which demands co-operation, sensitivity and intelligence. Without laying the foundation of a righteous life, meditation becomes an escape and therefore has no value whatsoever.

A righteous life is not the following of social morality, but the freedom from envy, greed and the search for power—which all breed enmity. The freedom from these does not come through the activity of will but by being aware of them through self-knowing. Without knowing the activities of self, meditation becomes sensuous excitement and therefore of very little significance.Meditations, p 6

A Time to Remember

2009-11-08T09:30:00.004Z

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.....Men can only be highly civilized while other men, inevitably less civilized, are there to guard and feed them. George Orwell

To move forward to peace we need representatives who will not be tainted by financial gain or fanatical or fundamental dogma. But they need to be our representatives.

This requires an engaged population, not a disenfranchised one. It starts, for me, with personal responsibility, living ones life in a manner that you treat others as you would want to be treated.

Yesteday was spent with the fighters on a show in Aberdeen. Leigh and Ray stood up to represent - although others were unable to be matched - and both did well. There is no such thing as failure, there's just a different result. You take what you experience and you turn it into a win by learning from the experience and adopting the lessons. It was both their first time in that arena, so both will be stronger for it.

James McIntyre puts up with me

All it needs now is for Chelsea to win against Man Utd. I have no doubts.

The first step is the last step

Posted:

... The first step is the last step. The first step is to perceive, perceive what you are thinking, perceive your ambition, perceive your anxiety, your loneliness, your despair, this extraordinary sense of sorrow, perceive it, without any condemnation, justification, without wishing it to be different. Just to perceive it, as it is. When you perceive it as it is, then there is a totally different kind of action taking place, and that action is the final action. Right? That is, when you perceive something as being false or as being true, that perception is the final action, which is the final step. Now listen to it. I perceive the falseness of following somebody else, somebody else’s instruction—Krishna, Buddha, Christ, it does not matter who it is. I see, there is the perception of the truth that following somebody is utterly false. Because your reason, your logic and everything points out how absurd it is to follow somebody. Now that perception is the final step, and when you have perceived, you leave it, forget it, because the next minute you have to perceive anew, which is again the final step.Krishnamurti in India 1970-71, p 50

CT Results

2009-11-06T10:49:00.002Z

Scan results show further reduction in the tumour, down to 4.1 x 3.6. This is a reduction that is "Better than Most"!

A letter has been sent for Transplant consideration, although we expect, as previously discussed, that it will not be considered. It will however now bring in the top Liver brains to look at what they consider as best option, which include things like radio frequency.

Then after a small period of recuperation, the medication will focus on repairing the liver.

Hints

2009-11-05T16:56:00.002Z

Still not heard from anyone about the CT Scan results, so I phoned up the Liver doctor. Speaking to his secretary I requested notification of any results.

She did inform me that a letter has been sent off to the Head of the Transplant Team. This will be the request to have me considered for Transplant, something I talked of a month or so ago.

What that news tells me that the CT scan would have cleared e of any secondary Turmours, especially in the chest. I can celebrate that.

Whether there was a reduction in the size of the tumours in my Liver I am yet to find out, but i'm sure they are reducing.

Its not been a good week, i'm tired and daren't be too far away from the toilet!

We went to see Eddie Izzard last night and an excellent show he did with ninja sheep and camels on the Ark!

Perry turns 21 tomorrow! WOW!

It's raining; it's pouring.

2009-11-02T17:48:00.003Z

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

It's raining; it's pouring.

The old man is snoring.

He went to bed and bumped his head,

And he wouldn't get up in the morning.

Think I might need to build an Ark. The ducks will be okay though! More rain forecasted....hmmmmm

Still waiting on the CT scan results. They might be in the post but the Royal Mail strike may be disrupting their arrival. I'll phone soon to find out.

Last week was a good week. I put in quite a lot more work and I felt good. Friday afternoon saw a sleep needed though. I then went down and partially joined in the Friday night Kettlebell/circuit class. I felt good even though i was careful. I don't believe this was the cause of my unwell feeling on Saturday morning, where i felt sick and shivery. I took it easy on Saturday and Sunday, but felt weak.

Today was better in that I was in the office and alert. I was hoping to join in the BJJ class but I'm tired and there are spasms shooting through my liver when i move. I must pay more attention to the amount ogf water I'm drinking. I don't think I'm drinking enough at the moment. My Sunday night sleep was disrupted with cramps.

Other than this I'm slightly heavy at 90kg which some of which is water retention. My stomach is bloated, a sympton of a poor functioning liver. What I'm eating has not risen a huge amount.

Caz had a weekend away in Edinburgh with her pal Julie and took advantage with a nice spa trip on Sunday. I'm glad she is back but this predicament is hard for her too.

Lord of the Rings Fan? This is brilliant.

Stuart Godfrey, a friend, has made his own music video. Well done.

Permaculture

2009-10-28T15:40:00.005Z

Gandhi: Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.

During this year we have been looking to sell and therefore buy a new house. To be perfectly honest, the determining factor of suitability was the ability to walk around stark bollock naked without either offending or titillating anyone. [The latter being more in hope than in reality!]

I wanted seclusion from city noise. I wanted to see the stars and I wanted fresh air.

We are now in this position and have bought a house which will see us settled before the Winter solstice. There is work to be done in the property but that work will see some ethical choices.

Our heat source will be an air source heat pump, using natural air to fuel the heating we will use, freeing ourselves from oil based solutions. This will work alongside a wood stove which will heat the house in the worst that winter will send.

We will continue to look into other methods of ethical living, where we treat the earth with respect as a living organism. Click here to learn more about permaculture.

Meantime, whilst the benefits of the new drug recipe were set back after the exhausting weekend with the fights, I find myself able to do more work. I do have a bloating issue and have gone up suddenly to over 90kg, but I'm using the likes of Fennel and other natural remedies to bring it into order.

Learning from experience?

Posted:

Questioner: Can we learn from experience?
Krishnamurti: Certainly not. Learning implies freedom, curiosity, inquiry. When a child learns something, he is curious about it, he wants to know, it is a free momentum, not a momentum of having acquired and of moving from that acquisition. We have innumerable experiences; we have had five thousand years of wars.We have not learnt a thing from them except to invent more deadly machinery with which to kill each other. We have had many experiences with our friends, with our wives, with our husbands, with our nation—we have not learnt. Learning, in fact, can only take place when there is freedom from experience. The Impossible Question, p 78

Caz's Fight

2009-10-26T08:50:00.002Z

Caz Ewan vs Mary McKay (Caledonian MT) 5x 1.5 mins C Class (Win Caz points)

Achieving your goals

2009-10-25T15:19:00.006Z

Wai

Well the guys did very well last night. We had three wins out of three on a tremendous show which was deafening at times!

Saturday started early walking the dog, followed by a trip to the Doctors for the flu jab. Then i went down to the school and taugt a 90 minute class covering Silat and CSW. Back to pick up Caz, take Kali to the the dog sitter and then down for the weigh ins. Caz is fine, Alan is light and his opponent heavy. That gets sorted but there always a lot of hanging around at this point.

Fight time comes and Caz powers her opponent for 5 rounds, even though she's been laid low with a heavy cold for over a week. Its a good win and her opponent was a good match. Alans up next and he had the chin to show that he could take the heavy punches which was all his opponent really had. Alan smiled during the round breaks as he was thoroughly enjoying the experience. Chris was against a good strong fighter from Cork but came through strong in the end.

Keith organised the show and was top of the bill. He trains with us on Mondays but represents Ronnie MacPherson, and he did very well winning his bout. All in all a great show which didnt see us get home till late and exhausted.

Caz acknowledges her 'fan club'

Someone asked me if i was proud and I guess there is, but it's more than that. This is my lifes work and the fighters are just learning to deal with certain situations for themselves. It's part of their growth, so being 'proud' isn't the intention. It's nice to see that we develop our skills and can compete against clubs totally focussed on fighting whereas we look to develop the arts. Whilst three fighters achieved, there was a whole team behind them who came together and achieved.

What makes me 'proud' is when i get notes like the one below, where I hear that I have provided the platform for someone to go and achieve. I may not necessarily choose that path but then again it isn't my journey. theres some more in the comments section on certain posts but whilst I may not reply then I do appreciate them and hope you will give that strength to those near you when they have difficulties

G'day Pat,

You probably won't remember me, but I trained under your direction at the Tillydrone Community Centre in Aberdeen many years ago now...I think possibly 1991-1992(?). I only remember "Dod" (talented boxer) and "Bob" (older guy - hard as nails, worked at the paper mill) as the other students there.

I am still training, albeit in a haphazard way, and am attending a Krav Maga knife seminar in the coming days.

Per the e-mail address, I now live in Perth, Western Australia, and happened to google martial arts in Aberdeen for some reason - can't think why, Karma maybe - then chanced upon your website (congrats on the School - looks the biz) then saw your news.

All I can say Pat is that you (+ the other guys) were an inspiration...you gave me self-confidence and focus at a time in my life when I really needed it...the proof is in the pudding (so to speak), I followed my dreams, joined the Army and the rest is history...here I am, "living the dream" in WA. You and the other guys all helped make me who I am.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery Pat...who knows, if I make it back to Aberdeen, I'll look you up for a coffee and check out the facilities at your School. Best wishes for a full recovery,

Regards Duncan

Kia ora e hoa Greetings my friend
I have been following your blog and inspired by your continued strength and determination. It has helped me personally and I have shared your wisdom with a friend here in a similar situation.....
..I thought I would share some Tibetan wisdom I rediscovered recently with my girls
1. a man walks down a path. He sees a hole. He falls into it. It isn’t his fault. It takes a very long time to get out.
2. a man walks down a path. He sees a hole. He pretends it isn’t there. He falls in. It isn’t his fault. It takes a long time to get out.
3. a man walks down a path. He sees a hole. He falls in. It’s a habit. He gets out quickly.
4. a man walks down a path. He sees a hole. He walks around it.
5. a man walks down a different path.

Kia kaha! Be strong! Dino

feeling stronger

2009-10-22T15:56:00.002+01:00

Feeling stronger every day. Did a long shift at the office yesterday - 8 hours. I ended up teaching at night as well. I'll take it easy and tomorrow i'll do kettle bells, TRX exercises and some bag work.

Hearing without the ear - J Krishnamurti

There is an art of listening. The word “art” implies putting everything in its right place. If you understand the meaning of that word, the real art is not painting pictures, but the art of putting your life in its proper place, which is to live harmoniously. When you have put everything in yourself in its right place, you are free. Putting everything in its right place is part of intelligence. You will say we are giving a new meaning to that word “intelligence”. One must. Intelligence implies reading between the lines, between the words, between two silences, between speech, listening with your mind all the time alert to listen. You hear not only with the ear, but also without the ear.

On Love and Loneliness, pp 87-88

CT Scan

2009-10-20T21:29:00.005+01:00

Caz at Madstock earlier in the year

Today i had my CT scan. It will be a week or so for results.

I feel very different. We have changed from the Spironolactone to Furosemide. This has seen several vital changes in my reaction to the drugs:

I have no tenderness in the breast area that was hampering me before. I couldn't hold a box in my arms without huge discomfort.
I feel much less dizzy when exercising - i did some cartwheels tonight!
I'm bloating and have gone up to 90kg in a very short period of time without a huge increase in diet.

The bloating may just be a reaction to the change which is strange as that is meant to be what the drug stops happening. I'm starting to use Flaxseed in my diet as these supply anti-inflammatory omega 3 oils which are essential for health.

Bread is hard to give up, it's such a staple but a lot of people have problems with it - if you lack digestive enzymes for example it will not be fully digested. It will ferment and release by-products and cause wind. It also has a high glycemic index which means it will keep weight on.

Try different breads - Spelt is similar to wheat but has less gluten, rye is good gear but an acquired taste, millet is extra nutritious. If you have to have the bread get the best quality wholegrain - brown bread is dyed white bread, wholemeal is second best to wholegrain.

Whole grains contain an array of nutrients which help to break down the wheat itself - so you can see as bread is further and further refined it loses these qualities and becomes harder to digest. It's bizarre that they now fortify breads and cereals with the very things that can be found in the original whole-grain!

Fennel, aniseed, cardamon will all help with wind - in Chinese medicine they 'move the qi'.

Caz fights in Thai boxing on Saturday. She is recovering from a very heavy cold and it 's cleared mostly just in time. I'm sure she'll do well and there will be many there to support her and the other AMAG and Aberdeen fighters.

Have you ever sat very silently, not with your attention fixed on anything, not making an effort to concentrate, but with the mind very quiet, really still? Then you hear everything, don’t you? You hear the far-off noises as well as those that are nearer and those that are very close by, the immediate sounds—which means, really, that you are listening to everything. Your mind is not confined to one narrow little channel. If you can listen in this way, listen with ease, without strain, you will find an extraordinary change taking place within you, a change which comes without your volition, without your asking; and in that change there is great beauty and depth of insight.This Matter of Culture, p 32

The cat

2009-10-16T21:01:00.004+01:00

The Cat

Peter Bonetti was a child hood hero. My uncle got me in the early 70's the goalkeeper jersey and i had the original cotton gloves before the rubber palms was introduced. My uncle was a goalkeeper in the Swansea schoolboys team when they were quite an elite organisation. He played at clubs like Blackpool, Millwall and Wrexham.

I say this because Danny, a Chinese Medicine expert explained the use of Milk Thistle in these terms:

Milk thistle is a hepato-protective - imagine a goalkeeper standing guard at a cell door trying not to let anything in - there is conflicting evidence that as a result the Lamivedene is less effective as less is absorbed. Lamivedene basically inhibits an enzyme prouced by the retrovirus that may have caused the cancer in the first place. The enzyme basically allows the retrovirus to replicate inside the cell. But there is also evidence that milk thistle inhibits the retrovirus itself.

Your GP/oncologist will advise against it because they are not trained in its biochemistry and will therefore err on the side of caution with all herbal medicine. The choice is yours really but the evidence IS conflicting. Certainly if you are coming off the drug for a while then start the milk thistle. It is illegal for me to tell people what to do with their medication so all I can do is present the information.

There are also hepato-restorative (as opposed to hepato-protective) herbs and foods which help to regenerate liver tissue. These would include artichoke and asparagus and dandelion. Eating these regularly would help - dandelion can be bought as a dried root from health food shops - boil in a pan with a lid on for 10 mins, strain and drink.

I'm going to visit a herbalist in my area - http://www.nimh.org.uk/ - these guys have the credentials.

I'm eating porridge with raisins in the morning, a great way to start the day - slow release carbs and raisins build the blood. I'm chewing pumpkin seeds as a snack will offer a steady supply of all 8 essential amino-acids (protein).

Beyond belief

2009-10-14T23:03:00.004+01:00

More than at any time before, I have now the conviction that I am going to beat this. I've spoken about it, visualised it and now, whilst I know there will be many ups and downs yet to be faced, I just have a feeling that cannot be put into in words and is beyond belief, beyond faith

that
I'm
going
to
win
this!

Learning about the Liver

2009-10-10T09:45:00.003+01:00

I'm learning more about the liver. My understanding of it can help is any decision making process.

This info has been supplied to me by Danny, a Chinese Medicine Specialist, to whom my association is by a loose association to activities around a band and lifestyle I actively enjoyed in my late teens, early twenties. I'm in his debt for this, not that he intends any remittance.

I will be resuming the Milk thistle regime, combined with artichoke and dandelion.
snippets:
The liver stores blood and regulates the volume of blood circulation according to the needs of various tissues and organs. During rest the amount of blood required by the body decreases and the surplus is stored in the liver. During vigorous activity blood is released from the liver to increase the volume of circulating blood. As Wang Bin's Annotations on the Suwen notes, "The liver stores blood, the heart circulates blood. When the body moves blood circulates in the channels, when at rest it flows back to the liver." If the liver's blood storage function is abnormal, there will be an affect on normal body activities causing hemorrhagic diseases. For example, if liver blood is deficient the following problems may appear: the symptoms of vertigo, contracture of spasm of muscles and tendons, impairment of flexion and extension of limbs or scanty menstruation and amenorrhea.

The liver harmonizes the emotions. Traditional Chinese medicine considers that the normal or abnormal function of an unrestrained and free flowing qi is directly related to emotional activities, and that the mental state is not only dominated by the heart but also the liver. When qi activities are normal, the body has a harmonious circulation of qi and blood, an easy mind and happy emotions. If there is a dysfunction of qi's free flow, it will directly affect the individual's emotional state. For example, liver qi stagnation will give rise to stuffiness and fullness of the chest, unhappy feelings, hypochondriasis, or even mental depression, crying, irregular menstruation, etc. If there is hyperactivity of the liver qi, there may be irritability, anger, insomnia, dream disturbed sleep, dizziness, vertigo, a ringing in the ear (tinnitus), or deafness. Any sudden change in the normal pattern of the emotions, especially great anger or mental depression, can affect and free flowing and spreading function of liver qi resulting in the pathological changes of liver qi stagnation.

"Nails are the remains of the tendons," The dryness or moisture of the nails can reflect the sufficiency or insufficiency of liver blood. When liver blood is plentiful the tendons are supple and the nails appear hard and moist. If liver blood is insufficient and incapable of nourishing the tendons, then the nails may be thin, soft, brittle, and pale.

A visit to the hospital

2009-10-08T21:09:00.005+01:00

I'm pleased to see Gavin doing so well in his recovery from the training accident. His legs are getting back to work and the neck brace is off. Hopefully he might be out of the hospital this weekend.

Its not been a nice week health wise. I've felt nauseous, tired, cold, fatigued and spasms that have shot into my liver. That's with the Chels having beaten the bin dippers at the weekend as well!

I was in to see the Cancer Dr yesterday for an appointment. I asked her about what the long term view was and whether they had thought I wasn't going to make it after the operation.

She concurred that it did look like I was in the wrong end of the reapers scythe but that with the drug and my attitude this was now all change.

I talked about how good I'd felt with the weeks holiday without the medication and we discussed how the body goes into comfort zones. This has led to a possible pulsing of the medication, depending on results after that upcoming CT scan, possibly on a 3 month on 1 month off rotation. That would be great, allowing my body time to heal and get fitter, put in some hours at work etc.

Blood pressure was ok, a prod around the tummy showed the liver was ok, despite the spasms. Onward we go!

Creative I was, creative I am, and creative I shall remain.
‘ART AND NOTHING BUT ART.’

Guardian of the genome

2009-10-04T10:40:00.009+01:00

Fighter Training - Sunday

What a weekend of mixed fortunes.

Saturday was busy and i taught two long classes, Silat and BJJ. Unfortunately one student got a bad injury in the BJJ and is in hospital as we speak. It has disturbed me although there is no blame to lay at any ones door. Yesterday became a long day.

Today i trained the fighters and a tremendous session put in by all. After that i went to meet my son and watch Chelsea against Liverpool. Chelsea won, Liverpool didn't. Puts us Top Of The League!

During the game I had cramps. After dropping my son off, i managed to get home, feeling very feint as i got in through the door. I am cramping badly and have bouts of nausea.

Caz on a night out on Thursday - look gorgeous!

Scientists on brink of cancer treatment revolution: a human protein called p53, shown to play a pivotal role in the spread of nearly all cancers. Cancers arise because DNA errors build up inside the body's cel ls. It is the role of p53 to correct those errors and prevent cancerous mutations from spreading. Hence its nickname, the "guardian of the genome". It organises repairs to damaged cells and, in those beyond repair, it arranges for the cell to be killed off before it can spread and divide

kali wanted her picture on as well!

JKrishnamurti.org - Daily Quote You and I as individuals will have to transform ourselves

The individual is obviously of the greatest significance in society because it is only the individual who is capable of creative activity, not the mass - and I shall explain presently what I mean by that word creative. If you see this fact, then you will also realize that what you are in yourself is of the highest importance. Your capacity to think, to function with wholeness, with an integration in which there is no self-contradiction - this has an enormous significance.

We see that if there is to be any real change in the world - and there must be a real change - then you and I as individuals will have to transform ourselves. Unless there is a radical change in each one of us, life becomes an endless imitation, ultimately leading to boredom, frustration, and hopelessness.

Just a tiddler

2009-10-01T15:03:00.005+01:00

a small fish in a big ocean - I'll take my inspiration from the likes of Guro Dan Inosanto

On Saturday several us traveled down to Glasgow for the Ultimate Self Protection (USP) course, in which I covered aspects of getting off the ground as quickly as possible whilst inflicting maximum necessary damage against the aggressor. It was amusing to watch some people who thought that they know it be unable to do as taught.

I am one of the most qualified instructors in Scotland and yet there are those with far less experience or ability who believe that they are either equal or know more. We all learn and some of the participants who displayed the better attitude got my attention and I gave them more. Ego holds you back! I travel - when I am well - great distances to learn and experience from the best but there are those who wish to be a big fish in the small pond.

I have world renown experts in my school at times to teach and I'm often surprised at the turnout. An Erik Paulson on the doorstep and people don't make the effort! Look at the quality of students coming out of the school! Its with good fortune I have more time with the AMAG students and my own instructors and studies.

After a satisfying day, a long journey back and after we eat some Thai takeaway, Bob conducts a hypnotherapy session on me. It takes about 40 minutes and wipes Bob out while i awake refreshed and focused on clear visualisations!

Sunday saw me train the fighters although many are absent with seasonal colds. I go home and simply sleep as exhaustion takes me in both arms. I have restarted my Sorafenib as well which affects my appetite.

Monday again sees me sleep and teach in the BJJ class at night. On Tuesday I attend a 1st aid refresher course and teach two classes at night. I am completely exhausted and am in bed before 10. The refresher course continues on Wednesday and i get my certification renewed! The threat of my giving mouth to mouth resuscitation should make sure no-one falls in around me!

I've been at work today but will go for a cat nap soon. The medication requires this. The weather has turned chilly. bbrrrr

Spours 'ere

2009-09-25T16:19:00.000+01:00

Showing me his new film taster:

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